


To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before - JENLISA

by robyntbh



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Actually no she's not a top, Actually they just didn't understand shit, Also YG please stop being an ass and take care of the girls, Eventual Smut, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay puddle, Lalice, Lesbian Sex, Lovers To Enemies, No Noah Centhshsjiwm or whatever his name is, Please excuse the title it's nothing like that Netflix joke trust me, Ruby jane, She's just really stubborn, Smut, Top Jennie Kim, Well technically Lisa here is Bi, jenlisa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 65,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27655832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robyntbh/pseuds/robyntbh
Summary: Lisa Manoban has fallen in love with 4 different girls in her life. These are their stories.Tags:Jennie Kim, Lisa Manoban, Blackpink, Jenlisa,  YG RELEASE BLACKPINK'S ALBUM FOR FUCKS SAKE,  Lalisa Manoban, Lalice, Ruby Jane, Jen
Relationships: Jennie Kim & Lalisa Manoban | Lisa, Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa, Kim Jisoo/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé
Comments: 58
Kudos: 121





	1. // TATGILB: The First Love

* * *

#    
The First Love.

* * *

“You remember your first love because they show you, prove to you, that you can love and be loved, that nothing in this world is deserved except for love, that love is both how you become a person and why.”

― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

“Something about first love defies duplication. Before it, your heart is blank. Unwritten. After, the walls are left inscribed and graffitied. When it ends, no amount of scrubbing will purge the scrawled oaths and sketched images, but sooner or later, you find that there’s space for someone else, between the words and in the margins.”

― Tammara Webber, Where You Are

“That first love. And the first one who breaks your heart. For me, they just happen to be the same person.”

― Sarah Dessen, Along for the Ride

“I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

― John Green, Looking for Alaska


	2. // TATGILB: Chapter 1

**Summer, 2006**

“Dangsin-i yeonjuhago sip-eo?”

The small, lithe-bodied girl tried to stop her doe eyes from rolling upwards but failed. She defensively tightened her fingers on the stick in her hand that she’s been using to draw random shapes on the sand area.

“I. Don’t. Speak. Korean. Okay?” She burst in staccato, poking the sand with each frustrated word.

She knows her mum would never approve of this attitude, but they’re miles away from home and in a place she can’t understand. Surely when her mother told her to “make friends in the park” and finding no one her age speaking English she had to account for these adjustments.

“Well, you didn’t have to be rude.”

The unapologetic response came from a girl about her age standing in front of her. She’s slightly stockier compared to her own frail-looking build, and a bit more tan compared to the kids she’s seen for the past few days. She looked distinctly Korean, however, so she’s surprised to find words from her that sounded anything but.

She frowned to herself, a bit ashamed of being called out. She continued to sit on her feet and prodded her stick stubbornly on the sand.

“I asked if you wanted to play,” The Korean-looking child crossed her arm arrogantly, which came across as odd for a girl her size. Not to mention with the pink arm cast on her left that’s refusing to be disregarded.

“What happened to your arm?” The leaner girl asked, curiosity getting ahead of her. The other girl looked at her own arm cast then shrugged.

“I tripped.”

“You tripped?”

“I was running with orange juice and tripped.”

“You tripped with orange juice?” The leaner girl’s tone sounded more and more incredulous.

The other girl shrugged again. “Shit happens.”

The leaner girl looked at her tentatively, hanging on the other girl’s last words. The new girl sounded more and more foreign to her by the minute, speaking English in a tone more confident than most locals in Seoul and using words that sounded less native to her. Even at the age of 9, she barely hears kids saying ‘shit happens’ in real life. Not even from the international school in Thailand that she goes to.

She’s definitely making her curious.

“What’s your name?” The leaner girl asked, finding the courage in her voice again.

The other girl hesitated, then spoke carefully.

“Ruby Jane.”

“Ruby Jane,” The leaner girl repeated as she took this information thoughtfully. “I’ve never encountered two English names being used much around here in Korea.”

“Well, that’s my name in New Zealand.”

“New Zealand?” Suddenly it makes sense to the girl. “I thought you were Korean.”

“I am, but I started studying in New Zealand late last year. I’m just back for the holidays.”

The girl nodded. “Where in New Zealand?”

Ruby Jane, despite trying hard not to be conceited, couldn’t help herself when she asked, “Do you know of any cities in New Zealand?” She was getting impatient with their small talks and she already wanted to play, but it’s hard to coax this small foreign girl out of her shell.

As predicted, the girl shook her head, but more out of sincere lack of information and less out of embarrassment that she didn’t know much about kiwi country.

“I stayed in Auckland. It’s the largest city there,” The arrogance has left the Korean’s voice and is mostly just informative now. “It’s not that bad. But everyone speaks English so it can get intimidating.”

The other girl remained quiet, listening. There’s something about Ruby Jane’s soothing way of talking that makes her just want to hang on her words. Maybe it’s the accent that’s new to her Asian ears.

“How about you, where are you from?”

“I’m from Thailand. We’re just here for a vacation.”

“What’s your name?”

The Thai paused for a bit. She definitely has her own share of pet names back home, but now that she’s in front of this Korean girl who studies in New Zealand, she wanted to sound a little cooler. Pokpak just didn’t have a ‘cool’ ring to it.

“Lalice,” The girl finally answered.

“Lalice, huh?” Ruby Jane looked at her curiously, then at something behind her. “Is that your bike?”

Lalice looked around at the blue BMX bike that she haphazardly left on the edge of the playground earlier. It came with the rental house they’re using for the summer; something that she’s thankful for albeit her mum disapproves of. She vigorously nods her head, proud to have something that Ruby Jane seems to approve of.

A glint of mischievousness is evident in Ruby Jane’s sharp brown eyes.

“Come, Lalice of Thailand,” She extends her hand towards the girl looking up at her, offering to hoist her up. “Let’s fly away from here.”

\--

Her glorious tanned arms extended in the wind; the screams echoing in her chest that Lalice could feel from her back every time the small Korean girl had to lean hard in order not to fall; the soft unruly wavy hair of teenage years that she kept brushing away from her face; the way she pedalled hard on the bike to chase the afternoon sun with the buildings and parks flying past them as they took on the smaller streets of Seoul like the queens of summer.

Those were the memories Lalice would never forget from that month, even if she never had pictures of them together.

When people would ask her how her summer was that year, she would fondly smile and remember that pink arm cast hugging her from behind, the giddy laughter and sharp gasps of breath on her ear as her friend leans to regain her balance on the back of her bike, those days they spent lounging in different parks, the smell of the sun on their skin mixed with the distinct smell of strawberries from the girl’s used Chapstick.

Lalice would smile and say she had a blast but won’t elaborate. But to be honest, she just didn’t know how to start putting in to words how much she enjoyed that one month more than her whole childhood growing up in Thailand; that one month of summer with her new Korean friend Ruby Jane.


	3. // TATGILB: Chapter 2

**Summer, 2007**

The Korean girl tightened her grip on the Thai girl’s shoulders, then tapped her softly, advising her to slow down.

“The ice cream shop’s over there,” Ruby Jane pointed to a small store, and although Lalice couldn’t really see her arms she intuitively looked towards the same direction and saw what her friend was referring to. She parked the bike on a vacant wall and followed Ruby Jane inside, who has already bought two sandwich creams for them. They settle on a railing near the streets instead of the store’s dine-in options so they can watch people outside.

“Wait, so you’re saying when boys annoy you they like you?”

“That’s what Mindy said.”

It’s the middle of the month and the girls have been going around the neighbourhood again to pass time. Lalice was worried about flying back for the summer wondering if their friendship would change, but she found that picking things up with Ruby Jane felt just like a home you’ve left for a year – as cosy and as familiar.

Ruby Jane’s mom also bought her daughter a cruiser bike after finding that Lalice has been doing most of the work for the two of them, but Ruby Jane refused to ride it, saying she prefers being Lalice’s passenger on the back of her bike.

Lalice preferred it, too, but she wouldn’t tell her that. She adored the way the Korean is clingy to her and would do everything to sustain that.

Lalice frowned on her ice cream. “That’s probably not true.”

“That’s what Mindy said.”

“That’s stupid.”

“You’re young. You wouldn’t know.”

“I’m only one year younger than you!”

Ruby Jane shrugged her shoulders. The girl has gained half an inch of height against the Thai this year but still hasn’t lost her chubby cheeks. Lalice has taken to them fondly, especially when the girl pouts.

“But we’re still older. And Mindy’s had two boyfriends and she says boys like you but they just don’t know how to tell you, so they annoy you instead.”

“That’s not what I feel when I annoy my classmates,” Lalice retorted defiantly. “It just means I want to annoy them because I don’t like them and they’re annoying.”

Lalice hasn’t fully improved her vocabulary this year, but Ruby Jane’s not critical. It doesn’t mean she won’t let it slide, however.

“So, you don’t like me?”

Lalice stopped eating her ice cream.

“Why would you say that?”

Ruby Jane shrugged again as she licked through the ice cream sandwich. “You annoy me all the time.”

Lalice pouted, hiding a small blush creeping up on her cheeks. “That’s not true at all.”

Truth is, the Thai liked annoying the Korean because she always does this small pout before she hits Lalice’s arm playfully. She enjoyed making her laugh and adored her small fake outbursts. And since she’s at this age that she’s less eloquent with communicating, she latches on to doing the things she knows can make Ruby Jane laugh—and, to Ruby Jane’s mild displeasure, repeats it.

Constantly.

“Then why do you annoy me?”

Lalice ignored her pointedly, focused on licking her ice cream. Ruby Jane then grabbed her wrists and got on her ice cream, refusing to be ignored.

“Hey!”

“Mine’s finished, I want more.”

“Then buy another!”

“But I want yours, it tastes better.”

“They’re the same ice cream!”

“Yours is better!”

Lalice gasped when Ruby Jane insisted on another lick on her ice cream sandwich. She knew her friend’s just teasing her at this point.

“Why are you annoying me?” Lalice squeaked a whine instead of actual words, but it didn’t really matter. Ruby Jane knew what they meant anyway. She pressed her sticky fingers on Lalice’s cheeks, forcing her into an exaggerated pout.

“Because you’re so cute when you’re angry.” Ruby Jane made a pouty face along with her. After the Korean dropped her hand, Lalice’s small pout remained unwittingly, giving Ruby Jane a satisfied chuckle.


	4. // TATGILB: Chapter 3

**Summer, 2008**

Their bodies are stretched across Ruby Jane’s bed, the latter’s head lounging lazily on Lalice’s chest. Jesse McCartney’s song on the loop blasting from Lalice’s headphones that’s hidden somewhere under the magazines they’ve littered, connected over to Ruby Jane’s iPod.

“Do you think he’ll be like Nick Jonas as a boyfriend?”

It’s a Tuesday afternoon, with the Seoul weather rather unforgiving to the skin. The two opted to stay indoors and flip through a few magazines they bought earlier, air conditioning on full blast.

With the help of Ruby Jane, Lalice has started to pick up on a few Korean phrases and are up to speed on Korean influences now, but the latter marvelled at her friend’s pop culture choices that are staunchly New Zealandish, if not more international in taste. Something Lalice was a little jealous of and was trying to educate herself with, since her friends in Thailand were still stuck on whatever MTV’s playing at the time.

Lalice raised her head a bit to look at what Ruby Jane is reading: some article about cool couple Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus.

“Who will be like Nick Jonas?”

“Cole.”

Lalice rolled her eyes.

“Pretty sure that boy will need a lot of work.”

“Hey,” Ruby Jane dragged the word, then playfully twisted to slap the Thai with her magazine. She rolled herself away to lie beside Lalice with her belly down, arms propped up so she could read the magazine beside her. “Don’t be mean.”

Lalice already missed Ruby Jane’s weight on her chest, but she didn’t object. She can look at her friend’s face better from this view.

It’s only been two years since they’ve met, but she felt they’ve grown differently. While Lalice has experienced a growth spurt and has overtaken her friend by an inch in height, she feels she’s still distinctly Asian in a lot of things, unlike her counterpart who have grown up almost distinctly Westernized. Ruby Jane’s hair was longer now and much more immaculate compared to before; her clothes much more diverse and trendier, throwing in jean jackets with summer dresses along with fashionable tennis shoes.

Lalice was still stuck with comfortable boyish shirts and walking shorts, her wardrobe “diversity” being just different colours. She does have trendy oversized hoodies as well, but it’s starting to make her feel uncomfortable being plain.

Not that Ruby Jane ever mentioned anything, but she just doesn’t want her friend to see her as that.

Ruby Jane pouted at the magazine she’s reading. Lalice also noted that Ruby Jane wears tinted lip balms now. And earlier she saw a branded pressed powder on her study table.

She’s starting to feel the difference in their worlds.

“What?” Ruby Jane whispered as she gave Lalice a side glance. The latter wasn’t entirely being very discreet about how she’s staring at the Korean.

“I’m just trying to see if you can be a Miley as a girlfriend.”

Lalice faked a loud ‘owww’ as Ruby Jane pinched her sides, then giggled as they turned into tickles. “Stop! Okay, you’re a Miley. You’re a Miley!”

Ruby Jane found herself straddling Lalice’s hips in place as she tried tickling the girl hard. Her chuckles slowed when the Thai caught her arms and pulled the Korean close to her chest. She rested her chin on the Thai’s sinewy arms as she looked at Lalice, still perched on her hips.

Lalice never complained. The two have always been unexplainably close, but Lalice always chalked it up to Ruby Jane being a little too Western in methods. Truthfully she’s never had friends this close, and it’s funny to note that she’s only this intimate with someone she sees one month per year.

She adored it, though. She loved being this warm and close with Ruby Jane. She was the only friend she was ever comfortable with this way.

She studied her friend’s face up close as Ruby Jane continued to stare at her, a frown on her face. She knew there’s something in the Korean’s head right now. Lalice waits for her to compose her thoughts; she moderated her breathing, careful not to make the pensive teenager on top of her uncomfortable.

“You think it’s going to be amazing?” Ruby Jane asked tentatively.

“What is?”

“Having a boyfriend?”

Lalice paused for a moment. She contemplated whether she should tease Ruby Jane or not, but as she looked into the Korean’s brown eyes, she knew the girl’s not asking for an actual answer.

“Do you like Cole?”

Ruby Jane sighed.

“I’m not sure. He’s nice. He’s a New Zealander so he can be very forward sometimes.”

“What do you mean?”

“He holds my hand a lot.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Lalice paused again, unsure of what to say. Boys aren’t exactly unexplored topics for her, but she also doesn’t really know how to talk about it.

“Do…do you like it?”

“Which one?”

“When he holds your hand?”

Ruby Jane shifted her face on Lalice’s arms, resting her cheeks on them instead so she could stare vacantly across the room. The Thai noticed that she usually does that when she’s trying to avoid answering directly.

Just as she suspected, Ruby Jane doesn’t answer.

“Do you think it would be better if Cole would take it slow?” Lalice gently prodded. “Or like maybe if the boy is Korean? Like Seok-jin oppa?”

At the mention of another boy they encounter at the playground, Ruby Jane faced her and crinkled her nose in playful disgust.

“Ugh, I don’t like Seok-jin. He’s too old.” When she calmed down a bit, she continued her thoughts. “I don’t know. It just feels weird, I guess.”

Lalice’s brows wrinkled in thought. One of her hands slowly made its way into one of Ruby Jane’s, entwining it slowly.

“Does this feel weird?”

Ruby Jane pouted but didn't remove her hand.

“It’s not the same, Lalice. We’re girls.”

Lalice wouldn’t understand it then, but her young heart constricted a little. She wished she heard a different answer, but she wasn’t sure why.

“I’m sure you’ll be fine when you’re back in New Zealand,” She croaked, trying to swallow her disappointment. “Imagine kissing him though. That would be harder.”

“Oh my god, don’t remind me,” Ruby Jane rolled her eyes. “I feel like everyone has already kissed and I just feel…ugh!” She buried her forehead on Lalice’s chest in embarrassment.

“Sorry, I can’t help you there, I haven’t kissed anyone.”

Ruby Jane’s face looked up quickly.

“Hey, how come I’ve never heard you talk about boys? Do you not like anyone?”

Lalice shook her head. “Not anyone I’d like to kiss, no.”

Ruby Jane snorted, then resumed resting her chin on her arms. She stared at the Thai girl’s lips for a while.

“What do you think it feels like?” She softly asked.

“I’m not sure,” Lalice murmurs.

They let their breathing fill the space for a moment. Then nervously, Ruby Jane asked:

“Can I kiss you?”

Lalice, even in her young mind, knew she could never say no to Ruby Jane.

Even more so, she could never say no to a vulnerable Ruby Jane.

With her heart currently feeling like it’s lodged in her throat she could barely speak, instead, she slowly nodded.

She watched as air caught between Ruby Jane’s teeth when she drew in a short breath, then nervously licked her lips as she continued to stare at Lalice’s lips.

They only had to cross less than 3 inches of air between them, but it felt like a lifetime when Lalice nervously closed her eyes and finally felt soft warm lips on her own.

It was gentle and delicate, easy and innocent.

It was perfect.


	5. // TATGILB: Chapter 4

**Summer, 2009**

She couldn’t help but excitedly run as fast as her long legs could carry herself across their neighbourhood in Seoul, as if she didn’t come off a 5-hour flight. She was so excited to surprise Ruby Jane that she has arrived that she hasn’t even thought about what they could do tonight, or if her family was even at home. It’s only 7pm South Korea time; she’s sure there’s still plenty of spontaneous things to do.

She impatiently knocked on their door and waited, then called her name for a good measure. As she heard approaching steps she readied her big smile but was surprised to find Ruby Jane’s mother instead.

“Lalice!” Her mother gasped. She welcomed the Thai into her arms and hugged her well. “Look at you, you’re so tall now! How are you?”

“Annyeonghaseyo, Mrs. Kim,” Lalice gushed after freeing herself from the hug. “Is Ruby Jane around?”

“Oh, no, did she not tell you?” The worry on Mrs. Kim’s face looked severe. “She’s not coming home for the summer. She planned to spend the summer camping with her friends in Queenstown before they started Secondary School.”

Lalice’s face fell at the news. “When is she coming back?”

“I’m not sure, sweetheart. I think she might be spending about 3 weeks or so there. I’m surprised she didn’t send you a letter. Or maybe even an email?”

Now that she’s standing there and was asked the question, Lalice did wonder – why didn’t they swap emails? Maybe they’ve been so cooped up in their world in Seoul whenever they meet that they’ve just never really seen a world outside of it.

Although she did remember writing her Thailand address at the back of Ruby Jane’s diary two years ago, so surely her Korean friend would have her address?

Too young to hide her crestfallen face, the Thai girl whispered painfully: “I didn’t receive anything, Mrs. Kim.”

The kind mother tried to sympathize and promised to chastise Ruby Jane once she calls, but there’s dread and disappointment settling on Lalice’s stomach: she’ll have to tell her mother that Ruby Jane’s not home for the summer, and she’ll be forced to admit she made a hopeless decision to fly instead to Korea when her mother desperately asked her to spend time at her step father’s hometown in Switzerland for the summer to spend time with her grandparents instead.

How do you explain that you had faith to choose someone you looked forward to see the whole year who chose something else and didn’t even bother to tell you?

Thankfully her mother took her news well; Lalice expected being grounded for the rest of her life. Instead, her mother hugged her tight, as if understanding that this is her daughter’s first heartbreak.

After three days her mother decided to fly them instead to Switzerland to spend the rest of her summer vacation - including every summer vacation after that year - 5,600 miles away from South Korea.


	6. // TATGILB: The Teenage Dream

* * *

# The Teenage Dream.

* * *

“Before we belonged to anyone else, we were each other's.”

― Elizabeth Noble, The Way We Were

“One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love”

― Elizabeth Aston, The Exploits & Adventures of Miss Alethea Darcy

“Did I think he was “the one?” Iʼll never know. At sixteen, everyone is “the one.”

― K.A. Tucker, Ten Tiny Breaths


	7. // TATGILB: Chapter 5

**2013**

The clean roads, the high-rise buildings, the muted colours. They looked exactly as she remembered them 4 years ago.

She sighed, trying to fix the anxiety that’s been stewing in her stomach for almost a week now. She ran her palms nervously on her vest and pleated skirt as she crossed the area towards her new school. Even with a year of advanced Korean language tutorial under her belt, she’s still nervous about her new life entering high school.

Her parents are anxious, too; her stepfather even offered to take a leave just to bring her to the school. But she’d rather be seen as a grown-up than to be seen as daddy’s girl in the eyes of her new schoolmates.

(although she is very much a daddy’s girl, undeniably)

It was about a year’s worth of looking forward to this day and yet the anxiety remains the same. Her step dad’s company was opening a new hotel in Seoul and wanted to make sure their best executive Chef would look over the pre-opening, planning a fusion along with their rooftop bar to nab a spot in the Michelin Guide for Korea and the top 50 Best Bars Asia list, a feat that would take a minimum 5 years of his commitment.

The family was willing to move, of course. But International Schools in Korea are much more expensive than International Schools in Thailand, so she opted to learn Korean instead – which, now that she’s chastising herself, seemed like she was ready for up until she found herself stuttering asking students for directions.

Very impressive one year of advanced Korean, indeed, she sighed.

20 minutes later, she found her way around the school’s impressive structures and into the school’s Principal’s office, where she was greeted by the warm eyes of a Mr. Gil. They have already met previously while she was following through admissions, but he wanted to make sure the Thai found her way around and was onboarded properly on her first day of high school.

“The classes today shouldn’t be that bad, Ms. Manoban. I can walk you to the first class under…” Mr. Gil looked at her printed class schedule. “Ms. Seo. It’s just introductions for this week so you will have plenty of time to catch up.”

The Thai nodded appreciatively, although her eyes remained curious and roaming, studying teens loitering the hallways.

“Your formal name, Lalisa, is a bit native to Thailand, isn’t it?” Mr. Gil observed after studying her form schedule. “Do you have another English name you go by or are you using this name here?”

She shook her head. “No, I will go by Lalisa.”

Mr. Gil nodded distractedly as he looked for Lalisa’s designated room, bumping into a few students in the process. She heard Sorry Mr. Gil along with a few nervous laughter.

“Jennie, you are running late again. I don’t want to have to call you into my office this week.”

The shortest girl in the group giggled, obviously not very intimidated by their principal. Lalisa took it as a sign that maybe the atmosphere was friendly here and this eased her anxiety a little.

“I won’t be late, Mr Gil. I promise you won’t see me this week.”

Lalisa’s heart jumped. That voice sounded very familiar.

She looked up to see a girl in uniform with her hair playfully parted in side ponytails, her eyes highlighted with a soft brown eyeliner, with muted make-up on her cheeks and a delicious sheen of tinted lip balm on her lips – pretty much the typical trendy Seoul student archetype. But that’s not what made Lalisa’s knees tremble.

Because behind those cat eyes were those distinct sharp brown eyes she had spent summers of her youth memorizing, the tinge of green and dark hues and bright lines she found herself getting lost in.

Countless of times.

Then she finds the familiar gummy smile of a girl she used to adore, naughtily trying to squirm her way out of her Principal’s stern gaze. Lalisa felt all of her energy drain out of her, leaving her slightly lightheaded.

It’s a surprise she managed to stay standing. Although she supposed her body ultimately realised it as well as she found herself reversing aimlessly and subconsciously looking for anything to keep herself upright, carefully hitting one of the lockers nearby announced by a slight clank against her backpack.

The noise called on the group’s attention collectively as their interest shifted, curious gaze on the Thai even as they were starting to walk away.

SHE then finally noticed Lalisa.

Mouth slightly open, an obvious familiarity flashing on her eyes.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, not knowing exactly how to react. But for all of Lalisa’s light-headedness, her lips managed to call on her name softly, as if the declaration would help her brain process the truth.

Softly, but enough for the other girl to hear when she uttered breathily: Ruby Jane.

“Lalisa, the room is here,” Mr. Gil called her. But if it weren’t for the cat-eyed girl leaving her stare and glancing confusedly at their principal, Lalisa wouldn’t have had her attention broken and heard anything else. Years after and Ruby Jane still has that effect on her.

“Jennie,” The girl was tugged determinedly by one of her cohorts. She eyed Lalisa again before finally walking away.

“Do you know that girl?” Lalisa heard one of the girls ask her, and while she could hear Mr. Gil trying to call her attention again, she couldn’t tear her gaze away from the Korean girl’s retreating form, waiting for some sort of confirmation.

The Korean looks at Lalisa over her shoulder very quickly before disappearing into another hallway.

The Thai felt that tinge of disappointment again in her young heart. It felt suspiciously similar to the same heartache of four years ago.

Ruby Jane may not have denied her, but she didn’t choose to acknowledge her either.


	8. // TATGILB: Chapter 6

**2013**

She thought she would never really get used to it, but truth be told she was willing to take anything she can get.

It will after all take some time for Lalisa to learn about self-respect, but at 16 and with Ruby Jane sneaking into her house every so often and sometimes even spending the night, she couldn’t care less even if she can’t say hi to her in the hallways. Or at the restaurants where her friends frequent. Or at the mall, when Lalisa’s attention gravitated towards her laughter and she found her and her friends nearby, and she wished she knew what’s going through Ruby Jane’s mind, wishing she’s closer to hear her more.

Jennie. She goes by Jennie now, she forgot.

Jennie, whose reputation as a cool girl from New Zealand is important to her as she tries to breeze through her second year of high school, she said. She’s not in the cheerleading team and cliques are important, she said. Being friends with freshmen, especially foreign students, could easily break her reputation, please understand, she said.

And she did. She did because she could never say no to Jennie, especially when the Korean found her alone the day they met each other again while the Thai was hiding in the library for lunch, the cat-eyed teen looking slightly dishevelled and manic like she was trying to find her everywhere. And when she finally sat down beside her and her cat-eyes softened to a way Lalisa remembers in those young summer days whenever she used to meet Jennie in the mornings and it’s almost like the Korean’s relieved to finally see her again, after a long night of not being together – it was so hard not to be reminded how being with Jennie felt like.

Like coming back to a home you’ve left for years - as cosy and as familiar.


	9. // TATGILB: Chapter 7

**Winter 2013**

It’s her first winter in Korea and she’s been going through a lot of other firsts: first time to layer multiple winter coats (she hates all the weight of it); first time to layer multiple winter coats to cover their short pleated uniform skirts (it’s absolutely stupid, mom, she once whined); first time to finally see snow – something she has dreamed about all her life.

The latter unfortunately still isn't happening to her; she heard Seoul sometimes doesn’t get snow, so she may have to convince her mom to bring her up north for it on winter break.

It did make waking up late on weekends worth it, snuggling inside her comforter and trying to hold in as much heat inside as possible. Jennie claimed she’ll outgrow it soon and would hate the cold like the rest of them, but for all her 16 years in muggy Thailand, she decided she WILL get to have her honeymoon period with Korea’s winter.

Besides, how can Lalisa hate winter if she has Jennie’s warmth underneath the comforter making her feel snug, too?

“What’s that smell?” The Thai grumbled, after waking up to warm arms snuggled behind her. Teen Jennie usually brings with her wisps of soft musk and a velvety fragrance mix of jasmine or ylang-ylang or peach, she’s not sure; a great departure to the fresh citrus colognes of their young summers. Today, however, she smells of something spicy.

Like gochujang spicy.

“Mum asked me to bring you some tteokbokki.” Jennie’s muffled words were warm on Lalisa’s nape.

“What’s that?”

“Spicy rice cakes. They’re winter food.”

“Oh. So that’s why you smell like gochujang.”

“Do I?” She felt Jennie withdraw from her hug and sniffed herself. “I was helping in the kitchen so I guess, yeah. I’ll spread it all over you, then!”

Jennie launched into a full tickle hug, rousing Lalisa and squealing under the Korean’s tight hold. The Thai might be sinewy but she’s always been tougher, so she wrapped her pyjama covered legs around Jennie and tackled her, pinned her on the bed.

“You always fight dirty,” Jennie laughed, still squirming under Lalisa’s strong hold on her wrists.

“That’s what you always say when you lose.”

“That’s because you ALWAYS fight dirty.”

“You’re just a sore loser.”

“Hey,” Jennie pouted. “I’m not. Take that back.”

Lalisa chuckled at the Korean’s antics. The girl can be very easy to frustrate sometimes, although she’s almost sure she’s just trying to play with Lalisa’s emotions. The Korean knows she’s…what’s the term—whipped?

The Thai bent down and kissed her friend on her button nose.

Lalisa could swear she heard a small gasp, but maybe she’s just imagining things.

Jennie gazed at her slightly wide-eyed, looking a little ridiculous still pinned down on the bed under Lalisa.

“…kiss me again.” She whispered. It was soft and almost pleading.

Lalisa was a little confused but she acquiesced. There are times Jennie could be very emotionally volatile: playful now and then needy next. She gently lowered herself on Jennie, then carefully placed a long kiss on her nose.

She felt the Korean hold her breath. She saw the green in her hazel eyes go darker, eyelids softly hooded.

“You’re not a sore loser. I promise,” Lalisa affirmed her through whispers, almost worried about breaking the spell between them.

After a few tense moments, Jennie nodded, then slowly slipped out of Lalisa’s hold. The latter hesitantly crawled out of the bed, surveying her room for her house slippers.

“Let’s try the tteokbokki, then. I’m starving,” Lalisa declared, trying to diffuse any butterflies that never quite left her stomach. She found the slippers near her window and ambled towards it, leaving a reluctant Jennie on the bed. She heard the Thai let out a loud gasp.

“It’s snowing! It’s finally snowing!”

In her excitement, the wide-eyed girl opened up her bedroom window, not minding the cold greeting of the winter wind that immediately swathed her lithe body, wrapped only in thin cotton pyjamas. Her grin almost froze on her skin, wide and adorable as she took everything in.

She stood in front of her window just mesmerised.

Lalisa felt arms circle her waist; the Korean’s chin rested on her shoulders as the two girls were transfixed at the sight outside. The sun has barely risen and the streets were wet, the weather casting a diffused grey on Seoul’s buildings…but there it is: soft cottony strands of white were strewn across the neighbourhood which created a beautiful contrast Lalisa has never seen before in her life. She knew seeing snow was magical, but she didn’t realise it would be this breath-taking.

The two bodies stood there, wrapped in the soft winter wind’s hum and breathing in sync, savouring the moment.

“Do you know what first snow means in Korea?” Jennie’s words were barely released in the air as if worried about breaking the magic.

Lalisa gave a hazy imperceptible head shake, worried about breaking the stupor herself.

“They said that the person you’re with during the first snowfall,” The wisps of Jennie’s breath on her ear made her shudder. The Korean then tightly brought herself around Lalisa, perhaps thinking the latter was cold. “Will be with you for a long, long time.”

“That’s beautiful,” Lalisa heard herself murmur after a few minutes of losing herself in the trance brought about by the feathery white flakes in the air, as she pulled the girl’s embrace tighter, then rested her head gently on the girl’s cheeks.

It made her feel warm to think that hopefully, if the first snow’s promise delivers, she will be with Jennie for a long, long time.


	10. // TATGILB: Chapter 8

**2014**

The fingers running lovingly on her scalp and playing with her hair soothed her anxiety like she knew it would. If only she could stay in that position forever and just blur out the rest of the world.

The Korean hummed a random tune as the gaps in Lalisa’s sobs increased. The Thai clutched Jennie’s free hand to her chest as the Korean sat cradling Lalisa’s head on her thighs. The latter still hasn’t eased from her foetal position even after she’s finally stopped crying.

Jennie was angry. Lalisa knew it. She could feel it from the Korean’s strained breathing, but the latter’s touch remained tender and warm.

“Please, don’t be mad,” Lalisa’s lips were raw from crying. She kept biting her lower lip to stop herself from bawling hard and her dry mouth have begun to chafe.

“I’m not mad,” Jennie responded after a few deep breaths. “But I will kill Cheol-soo.”

Lalisa pulled on Jennie’s hand as she kept muttering ‘stop’.

“No, I will fucking kill that guy. Seriously, I WILL kill Cheol.”

Lalisa squashed her face on Jennie’s stomach and still kept pleading ‘no’ and ‘stop’ alternately, still not letting go of Jennie’s hand. She felt the Korean’s body contract as she heaved some sighs.

“No one hurts you,” Jennie’s voice started to break, almost like she’s just about to cry herself. “He can’t hurt you. No one hurts you.”

“He was drunk.”

“It doesn’t excuse that asshole. Boasting to friends about what you did in private is not okay!”

Lalisa’s sobs returned. It scares her whenever Jennie’s angry.

Jennie kept muttering ‘I will fucking kill him’ and other string of profanities, but still managing to cradle Lalisa tightly. This is the first time the Thai has ever seen Jennie livid; if it weren’t for her own breakdown earlier after telling her what happened over the weekend, she was worried she wouldn’t be able to stop the Korean from running out of the house and hunting Cheol-soo herself.

The silence between their words kept growing. Jennie kept muttering ‘fuck’ every once in a while, but never released Lalisa in her arms.

“Did he hurt you?” The older girl quietly asked.

“No. I just overheard him bragging to his friends near the pool. I don’t think he saw me.”

“No, I meant…when you had sex.” Jennie staggered through her words as if she was having a hard time forming them in her mouth. “Did he hurt you?”

Lalisa’s body betrayed her when she tensed, even when she tried to whine a ‘no’. Jennie resumed gritting curse words in between her teeth.

“Jennie, please,” Lalisa whimpered on Jennie’s body. “It…it was my first time. And…he wasn’t as sensitive. It was my fault. I didn’t tell him at first because—”

Lalisa’s thoughts were derailed by Jennie’s tighter hug and curses that were echoing in her chest. The younger girl’s last words almost quietly dissolved into Jennie’s jumper.

“—I was worried he wouldn’t want me if he found out I’m a virgin.”

Jennie snapped. Her eyes flashed with intensity, of anger that Lalisa has never seen before in her life. The girl gripped both her shoulders hard in rage and forced the Thai to face her.

“YOU DON’T EVER FUCKING SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?” Jennie’s words exploded out of her. “Lalisa, you are gorgeous. You are the best person I know. No one should ever make you feel like you’re not worth it, do you hear me? I WILL KILL ANYONE whoever makes you feel that way and I will fucking kill Cheol and his fucking friends I swear to god—”

“Stop, please, Jennie,” Lalisa pleaded, trying to console her. It scared her how much anger Jennie could show when she’s being protective of her, because she doesn’t want her friend to get into any troubles. Especially not because of her.

She’s almost sure that through this rage Jennie might actually be capable of anything and she wouldn’t want to lose her to that.

“This is all my fault,” Jennie started rambling, almost to herself. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to protect you. I’m a senior now, I can protect you better from them. I will kill Cheol-soo on Monday—”

Lalisa quickly pulled herself up and sat on her thighs, straddling Jennie as the girl’s forehead landed on her collarbone and sobbed in panic; she couldn’t think of any other ways to calm the Korean down aside from tightly hugging her. She held her tight until she finally felt the older girl calm down, her own body mirroring the girl’s tension. When she eased on her hug she covered her palms on Jennie’s jaws and pressed their foreheads together.

Only Lalisa’s soft sobs could be heard between them for a few solemn minutes.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t—”

“Shhh,” Lalisa kept cutting Jennie’s apologies. She was never to blame in this incident.

When she managed to hush her down, she kissed Jennie’s temple tenderly.

“I love you.”

This further aggravated Jennie’s emotions. She grabbed Lalisa in a passionate hug and tucked her face on the side of her neck.

“I’m sorry – I’m so sorry, Lalisa, I should have protected you from them—” Jennie’s cheeks are now wet with both their tears. “I’m so sorry. I should have been better for you. I’m sorry.”

It will be a while before Lalisa gets Jennie to calm down, the words “I’m sorry” and “I love you” in constant repetition that hummed both girls like a bitter lullaby.


	11. // TATGILB: Chapter 9

**Summer 2015**

“Shoooots!” Eun Mi screamed at her ear, and while she may be slightly drunk, Lalisa still winced at the unwelcome screech. 

For years she looked forward to this: finally starting the transition to the senior year of high school and being cool enough to join the packed house parties. She saw a lot of the seniors who have still hung around; a few other older kids who have moved on to Universities but are visiting for the summer.

Now that she’s here she felt like she’s wearing a different skin.

Everything felt like a façade. Of something others chose to see.

This wasn’t really her. This wasn’t really what she wants, this wasn’t really where she wants to be.

She heard an English song play on the speakers – Justin Bieber, she remembered, something that’s on loop on Jennie’s playlist recently. She took a shot of the tequila from her classmate Eun Mi and whooped, smiling to herself when her feet started moving to the chorus.

_**Don't want for us to end, where do I start? / First you wanna go to the left and you want to turn right** _

She tried to dance while she balances her remaining beer in her cup, recognizing that while the kids danced to the beat, they don’t have the intimacy Lalisa has with this song– the beats reminding her of the days she and Jennie would spend holed up in their private spaces, Justin Bieber and other english songs on repeat, lyrics sung at the top of their lungs.

With Jennie off to New York soon for university, Lalisa was left again with the distinct Jennie Kim Legacy that she’s been unwittingly given since 2009: the way she makes you taste her world and leaves you reliving and longing.

She closed her eyes, a deep sigh hurting her chest.

Jennie promised this time that she would stay in touch. Flying to the US has always been in Jennie’s plans, but actually going through it was another thing for the Thai.

Now Lisa’s going to go through the last year of high school alone and perhaps pushing through to a local university after, or back to Thailand, she’s still not sure. Or just anywhere else maybe that wouldn’t remind her of Jennie so much.

Yeah, the last one could work, too.

She just wishes she wouldn’t miss her friend that much.

_**Said you're running out of time** _

_**What do you mean? / Better make up your mind** _

Her cup was snatched. She prepared herself to apologise thinking she must have hit someone with her hand when her eyes widened at the sight of Jennie finishing her remaining beer.

“What are you doing here? You’re flying off tomorrow!” Lisa shouted through the loud noise. Jennie shrugged cockily.

“Maybe that’s why I need one last party,” Jennie ogled her appraisingly. “Look at you barely starting senior year and already being a badass drunk. I taught you well.”

Lalisa snorted, flippant. She eyed her friend guardedly. Jennie pointed to a quieter area closer to the kegs and the two shuffled over.

“I figured you were here because your mom said you went out with Eun Mi,” Jennie’s scrutinising look at a loud Eun Mi over at another crowd of kids did not escape Lalisa’s eyes.

“Yeah, I didn’t really want to stay at home so I figured a party is better than nothing.” The Thai shrugged. “It’s interesting what parties get to Eun Mi’s radar.”

“I don’t like that girl.”

“Yeah, well, you’re leaving tomorrow, so you don’t have much of a say about it,” Lalisa sighed. “Again, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on an early flight tomorrow.”

Jennie paused, any hint of confidence drained and replaced with what looked like conflicted uncertainty. Her teeth clamped on her bottom lip hard as she watched the crowd, eyes slightly damp.

“I went to your house. You weren’t there.”

Lalisa knew that tone. She swallowed thickly but remained silent.

“I came to say goodbye,” Jennie paused through each word painfully. “You weren’t there.”

“I didn’t want to stay at home and cry, okay?” Lalisa swiftly hissed the words between gritted teeth. “I thought you were packing. And you already said goodbye yesterday. I thought you might need some time to get ready and say goodbye to your other friends.”

“Why would I not want to see you again for the last time?” Jennie husked through her dry throat, still not looking at the Thai. “You’re the one I’ll miss the most.”

The two stood there beside each other, just gravitating towards the heat of each other’s skin. Lalisa’s heart throbs, dying to reach out and wrap herself around the girl to apologise, but she reminds herself that there are other people around.

That has always been their dynamic, hasn’t it? Intimate, but not intimate enough. Familiar, but not familiar enough. Cherished in private but restrained in public.

Close, but still never too close.

Lalisa always waits on Jennie. The former never really does demand, just takes what the Korean can give.

And right now, she’s basking on the small crumbs that Jennie slipped to her. Lalisa wanted to hug her tight and affirm to her that she would miss her, too. Tell her of how frightened – no, terrified – she was of starting a new life tomorrow without her, but like everything Jennie, that has to wait, too.

\--

A drunk Eun Mi with multiple shots of tequila on hand stumbles near them; Lalisa automatically moves away a bit from Jennie out of habit.

“Jennie unnieee!” The girl drawled, missing the way Jennie looked at her with slight contempt. “Congrats on Columbia University, you big shot! Let’s drink, let’s drink!”

The girls were shoved shot glasses and clumsily went through it while Eun Mi whooped again, before disappearing towards the crowd. Jennie’s scrunched face made Lalisa chuckle.

“I really don’t like that girl. She’s so loud,” Jennie grimaced.

Her attention was called by a few graduate seniors from afar. Lalisa was somehow thankful for the distraction—at least they won’t have to talk about feelings anymore—but wishes she could stretch the night with Jennie.

“Yo, Kim!” One of them ambled over and gave Jennie a quick hug. “I heard you’re flying tomorrow, babe. I’m gonna miss your ass.”

“I know. I’ll miss you, too, bitch.”

“We’re heading out for a few bites; do you want to come?” The girl eyed Lalisa with slight caution, unsure whether to extend the invite to her, too. “I can drop you off at your house later.”

“I’m good here. You guys enjoy.”

“Alright, safe flight tomorrow, yeah?” The girl waved a small goodbye as she left but didn’t bother hiding eyeing Lalisa again. The latter sighed as the feeling of relief ripples through her.

“Wow, she’s definitely not happy with me.”

“Who, Hayoon?” Jennie glanced at the senior who joined her group lingering near the door. “Don’t worry about her, she just hasn’t quite shed off her snobbishness yet.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because you’re not supposed to be seen with me, so maybe you should go and bugger off with your friends.” Lisa didn’t mean the slight bitterness on her words, but years of keeping themselves private can feel a little exhausting.

An apologetic grimace played across Jennie’s face.

“I haven’t been a really good friend, have I?”

It sounded more like a resigned statement than a question from Jennie. Lisa felt a little guilty, because despite her shortcomings, Jennie tried hard. But Lisa didn’t know how to say she always felt short-changed without seemingly demanding too much from her friend.

“You know what, fuck it,” Jennie asserted after some silence from Lalisa. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Dance with me, Manoban.”

“Jennie, it’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“I’m leaving tomorrow. I don’t care about this town anymore.” Jennie extended her hand towards Lisa as a new song comes up.

The Thai takes a beat to hesitate. “Are you sure?”

Jennie nods and walks backward, eyes still trained on hers.

The younger girl’s hand reached for the older girl’s uncertainly before she lost her to the crowd.

Even in a slight daze, Lalisa follows. She always does.

\--

Soon they are two bodies sauntering their way into the middle of the dancing crowd, two pairs of eyes heavily looking for meaning from each other – a commitment, if you will—two pairs of feet that move to a dance that seemed to feel like it was made for them. Their frames close but not touching as they move, stilted at first; but now fluidly, sensually, calling each other to mirror their desires, even just for the night.

She thought it’s the bass of the song that pumped a little too hard in the young Thai’s chest when she felt her heart race as Selena Gomez croons.

_**Do my hair up real, real nice** _

_**And syncopate my skin to your heart beating** _

_**'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you** _

_**I just wanna look good for you, good for you** _

Lalisa would forget the bodies around them: in fact, she has completely forgotten about everything else. Her eyes now only attentive on the striped half-open black cardigan that falls loose on Jennie’s hips, barely covering the skin-tight short black skirt she’s wearing as her hips sway to the beat. The black neck choker that’s now glistening in sweat. Her long brown hair that moved with her shoulders.

Her spicy red lips that Jennie constantly licked as if preparing them for something.

_**You say I give it to you hard / So bad, so bad** _

Flushed faces.

Heavy breathing.

Small spaces.

Unsaid messages.

Private moments.

_**Make you never wanna leave** _

_**I won't, I won't** _

Where she moves left, Jennie follows seamlessly. Where she breathes in, Jennie exhales knowingly. Where she takes in more of her, Jennie gives generously.

It’s like the universe allowed them to have this perfect unspoken moment of synchronicity.

_**Let me show you how proud I am to be yours** _

_**Leave this dress a mess on the floor** _

_**And still look good for you, good for you** _

Tonight, Jennie left her again with a world that left Lalisa reliving and longing. But this time, everyone partook in the emotions between them that they’ve always kept private.

Lalisa only danced to one song and was stripped of a skin she didn’t need.

Jennie only danced to one song and she managed to tell everyone how proud she was to be Lalisa’s.


	12. // TATGILB: The One That Got Away

* * *

# The One That Got Away.

* * *

“What are we doing?” she wanted to ask, except she already knew the answer.

They were being reckless and foolish; they were tempting fate; they were breaking the rules; they were falling in love.

But they both knew that last wasn't true. They had already fallen in love, a long time ago.”

― Katharine McGee, American Royals

“I guess crushes that have lasted for years don’t go away that easily."

― Kailin Gow, Loving Summer

“You're in the middle of something wonderful, something so tremendous you may never experience it again. But you can't really understand how wonderful it is. That makes you impatient. And that, in turn, leads to despair”

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore


	13. // TATGILB: Chapter 10

**2017**

She looked at the address she scribbled on a piece of paper.

Whoever writes addresses on a piece of paper at this age, she’s not sure. But the whole time, she was wishing she could leave it to fate: if she scribbled the address on a piece of paper and tucked it in her trousers, maybe at some point she might lose it trying to grab coins and her metrocard along the way, and she can easily say to herself, well, fate meant for me to lose your address, so yeah.

Standing in front of a door on the 7th-floor building in Morningside Heights, the Thai girl almost cursed herself for rapping her knuckles on the brown door in front of her.

She heard a few murmurs and steps, then the door opened.

And there, she found those cat eyes looking at her sharply, then widened, then just combust – all in the space of 3 seconds.

“LALISA! WHAT THE FUCK - WHAT ARE YOU – WHAT – OH MY GOD” – she heard her friend’s surprise in staccato but only registered the words after she got practically mauled into a bear hug that threw her off again like it used to. That warm and tight hug, the familiar body moulding into hers, the fingers grasping her nape – all intimate and warm and thawing.

And she was busy melting into the arms of her when she saw a brown-haired guy with pretentious looking brown specs sitting on the couch while tying up his pretentious looking brown leather boots, tugging his dollar store undershirt in place after he stood up and fixed himself. His bed hair screamed overnight sex but his confidence displaced her when he smiled a dimpled grin her way and said:

“Hey, you’re Lisa, right?”

And for a moment, with her mouth hanging and her eyebrows forming into an angry v on her forehead and just looking incredulous in general, she wanted to drive a punch into his fucking cocky pretty face.

“Lisa?” She heard her person ask, confused. But even more confused was Lisa standing there in a hug that was interrupted, wondering who the fuck exactly this guy is.

“Yeah, we’re classmates in Photography Culture Studies,” He drawled as he looked at Lisa curiously. “I remember you because you’re the hot transferee.”

“Transferee?” More confusion.

“Yeah, she’s also from NYU. I’ve been seeing her around the East Village, too. I’m just surprised you know each other since you’re from Columbia. I guess hot Asians have their network, huh?” The boy winked, making Lisa’s stomach curdle and leaving a bad taste in her mouth.

“Tef, can you just fucking leave now? I told you to go an hour ago,” Her cat eyes rolled but barely made the provoking point. She looked too excited to find Lisa standing in front of her.

“Alright, Jen, Jesus. I’ll be going,” The boy called Tef asserted, grabbing his jacket from the floor and stepping out. “Bye.”

The Korean didn’t even bother with the formalities when she pulled Lisa in her apartment and closed the door shut behind them. The apartment was clean and minimal, bare white walls, and a few pieces of furniture that are coordinated with the apartment fixtures. Her room’s open door smelled of stale sweat, but still distinctly Jennie Kim as she remembered it.

“You just kicked out your date?” Lisa gingerly asked as she studied the messy bed inside her room. The apartment was clean but her room told obvious gossips of last night.

Her friend just waved off her hand. “Don’t mind him. Stefan’s not a date. I won’t date someone that ignorant.”

Lisa wasn’t comforted. She eyed the flustered girl carefully.

“So, you’re Jen now, huh?” Lisa chose a comfortable topic.

“And you’re now Lisa,” Jen pointed out cheekily. She ran her fingers through Lisa’s hair thoughtfully, now bleached ash blonde; eyes raking in the Thai girl’s face and getting a fill of her after being deprived of Lisa for two years. “Seems like the United States has done us a change, wouldn’t you agree?”

A change that she hoped wouldn’t deal with one-night stands, Lisa wanted to reply, but she chastised herself. She just smiled, hoping not to say anything impolite.

Jen continued to touch her face like she still couldn’t believe she’s there in the flesh. Lisa couldn’t help but revel in her touch; she closed her eyes and let her face rest on Jen’s palm when her cheek caught it. She heard herself release a deep sigh.

There it is again, the feeling of home.

Jen’s forehead launched unto where her neck and shoulders meet, body melting unto hers. This Jen feels and smells different, but the way her body moves into her space, the way her warmth radiates into her skin, the nuzzle she makes when she’s cuddled into Lisa’s embrace – those were the things not even 2 years could make her forget.

“How are you here?” Jen murmured, fingers softly tracing Lisa’s neck and collarbones. The Thai struggled to answer as she continued to drown in her friend’s touches, overwhelmed by the realisation of just how much she missed her.

Clearly, downplaying feelings never worked for her.


	14. // TATGILB: Chapter 11

**Early 2018**

“I’ve always meant to ask but keep forgetting: how long have you been dating Jendeukie?”

The loose waffle Henley sweatshirt suddenly felt very tight around Lisa’s neck.

This piece was always her particular favourite. Lisa wasn’t sure what kind of cotton blend mix was on this tan oversized sweatshirt, but it always held Jen’s smell the longest.

When Jen snuggled up to her early this morning before she left and asked her to meet with Jisoo and Chaeyoung over at Nuss around 9 am while she meets with her professor at 8, the Thai just grunted and pulled this tan sweatshirt from under Jennie’s pillows and wormed into it before wrapping herself under the sheets. New York winters can get really harsh and there are times she wishes she never had to leave the bed, where it becomes bearable only because she’s either wrapped in Jennie or her scent.

For that reason alone, she barely found the motivation to go back to her own apartment, too, knowing that place is devoid of Jen in the first place.

At 8:15 she slipped again into the tan sweatshirt after a shower, before layering with heavier winter coats. The Wu + Nussbaum coffee shop, or Nuss as the students call it, was usually warm inside filled with the welcoming smell of baked goods, and now that her body’s calling for a decent cup of coffee she wasn’t feeling too averse to walking 10 minutes to meet the gang.

The group, or the “Colombians” as Lisa lovingly called them, is Jen and her schoolmates from Columbia University. Jen would always point out that it’s not politically correct to use the term and might offend actual Colombians who would hear it, but the play on the name wasn’t just because they came from Columbia University, but secretly because the three reminds Lisa of mafia leaders. A Pablo Escobar in shorter, feminine forms if you will.

Sans the drugs and killings of course.

And yes, she’s kind of scared of the three.

Jisoo, the eldest, is the youngest child of a chaebol family in South Korea. And while Lisa has heard of stories about how chaebol families can get extreme with their sons, Jisoo as a chaebol daughter doesn’t fall too far from the tree and can be fairly intense and sans emotions at times. Chaeyoung, the youngest of the three, is a New Zealand born Asian who came from a family of lawyers and has developed quite a network in Melbourne where their family moved. Developing the same rectitude, Chaeyoung is quite the over-achiever, slaving away with studies till the morning and still finding time to sing at a local church choir on the weekends. And Jen...just became a more intense Jen.

Lisa loved describing them as such because despite seeing the intensity in them, working with them, and motivating herself to operate at their pace, the three Columbia University students adopted her NYU Tisch ass as a close friend and looked after her in ways she could never thank them enough for. She knows Chaeyoung and Jisoo were Jen’s first but soon it felt they were hers, too, and that kept her warm. 

But, that doesn’t mean she’s still not scared of them.

Especially of Jisoo, when she starts asking questions like this.

Lisa subtly pulled on the neck of the sweatshirt again and tried looking into Jisoo’s eyes. Big mistake. It felt like the Korean just tried looking into her soul.

“What are you talking about? She’s my best friend.”

If Jisoo heard that her voice practically went 3 octaves higher, the Korean’s face did not show it. Her face barely flinched, a small smirk across her face.

“You can date your best friend, what’s wrong with that?”

“We’re just friends.”

“Really? Because I could swear you’re practically lovers at this point. You sleep over at her place more than your own. You’re even wearing her clothes.”

“What’s wrong with borrowing clothes?” The blonde piped up, exasperated. Her mouth dropped and eyes pleaded to Chaeyoung for help.

The Kiwi shrugged and shoved one of the bagels Lisa bought earlier in her mouth. “Not gonna help you there, mate. You’re on your own here, sorry.”

“Then stop eating my bagels if you’re gonna be mean.”

“Hey, no takebacksies,” Chae pouted cutely before scrunching her face at Lisa. “And we’re not being mean. We’re just asking you a question.”

“We’re just friends. I don’t know where you’re coming from with this!”

Chaeyoung leaned towards Jisoo conspiratorially. “Notice how she just keeps insisting on the friend card when she could very well make a stronger point by saying…I don’t know, that she’s straight?”

Jisoo allowed herself a chuckle. “That’s because she’s not straight.”

“Oy, who says I’m not straight? I’ve dated guys.”

“You can also taste wasabi multiple times before you can confirm you don’t like it, but that’s not the argument here.” Chaeyoung pointed out, chunks of bagel evident in the swell of her cheeks.

“Lisa,” Jisoo called out softly but sternly. “We’re all friends here. I know we didn’t come up with the best friend rule book, but we’re just curious because the way you and Jen treat each other is just different. You’re practically like an old couple who are co-dependent on each other, except for the heart eyes you have every time you’re together –”

“Oh, yeah, the heart eyes. I see that, too.” Chaeyoung interrupted.

“See, even Chae can see it. And to add to the fact that Jen stopped seeing guys when you arrived—”

“Jen says she’s swamped recently,” Lisa argued.

“—and she just didn’t bother meeting anyone at all. And Jen’s ALWAYS swamped, even before you arrived. It just feels as if you both were trying to date each other without really saying it out loud.”

Lisa took a sip of her coffee to buy time. The two sat across her on the table, Chae focused on spreading more cream cheese on a bagel and Jisoo just slowly twisted her mug, both waiting for a response.

Lisa took a deep sigh. “It’s just…I don’t think I’m gay. I’m not in love with other women.”

“Lis, you don’t have to be gay. You don’t have to be in love with other women,” Jisoo gently expounded. “We’re just telling you that the way we see it, it’s just obvious you’re in love with Jen. And Jen is in love with you.”

Lisa looked at the two girls grimly. She would never tell them that this wasn’t the first time it has ever crossed her mind, but this was quite possibly the first time she heard it said outside of her head. Numerous times, she asked herself if what she feels for the Korean and how they treat each other was still within the context of friendship.

But they were never forced to define what they had. And that was enough for Lisa because she knew what they have together was simply what it was: magic.

The truth, however, was that she also never tried to define it. She’s scared to face the answers.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” A slightly dishevelled Jen reached their table, brushing a bit of snow off her coat before removing it and scooting beside Lisa. “Mr. Fischer took a bit more time trying to get me through the papers.” She greedily ogled the bagels in the middle of the table. “Whose bagels are these? Can I have a bite before I order? I’m starving!”

“They’re yours, I got them for you. They just freshly baked those cinnamon-raisin ones you like,” Lisa winced a little, remembering Jisoo’s words: you’re practically like an old couple. She motioned to a server. “Let me get you some brewed coffee.”

“Oh god, I love you, thank you.” Jen’s words were muffled by the bagel in her mouth. A warm wave washed over the blonde as Jen melted on to the bite with a delicious and satisfied hum, making a little dance in her seat.

“What are you guys talking about?” Jen washed the bagel down with a sip of coffee from Lisa’s cup, impatient to wait for her own.

“Oh, nothing much, Jendeukie,” Lisa could hear the playful stress on Jisoo’s pet name for Jen as the older Korean smiled wittingly, studying the two girls. “We were just talking about what heart eyes looked like.”

Lisa felt her cheeks burn.

“Oh? And what does it look like?” Jen asked distractedly as she tugged at her sweatshirt on Lisa, oblivious to Jisoo’s joshing. She softly murmured at the blonde. “Why did you wear this? I wore this last night, it might still smell of my sweat.” She started sniffing at Lisa’s shoulders, then found her way unto Lisa’s neck and burrowing before sighing contentedly, “My jumper smells good on you, though.”

Jisoo and Chaeyoung shared a knowing glance before smirking at Lisa, whose face now looked like she’s stuck in between conflict and reluctant concession.

“I don’t know,” Jisoo chortles on her cup. “You tell me.”


	15. // TATGILB: Chapter 12

**2019**

You know how they say nothing good ever happens after 2 am?

For the first time in her life, Lisa gets to confirm that yes, nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

Well, some good. Maybe a little good. Mostly shocking. And then…just a discombobulating mess of an aftermath.

It started when Chae thought it would be fun to do a bar crawl around Manhattan. They just ended their final exams and everyone wanted a breather; Jisoo went on to rant that she misses the days in high school where she passes out drunk from parties.

And Chaeyoung went, “Then let’s go do that again!”

And everyone groaned, but everyone still went anyway.

It was expensive, Lisa thought after they were on their 4th shots and a few vodka mixes and 3rd bar. They started late at 11:30 pm and by the time it was almost 2 am and deciding on the next bar, they were toeing the fine line of drunk and really drunk.

“Wait, I got a brilliant idea,” A devious grin spread across Chaeyoung’s face as they were walking outside the stretch of Hudson Street. “I know _**exactly**_ where to go next.”

\--

Lisa didn’t even really see the name of the bar when she got ushered inside – after all, most bars look the same after a certain number of drinks. She only heard Jisoo’s excitement and praised Chae for her good taste; that was pretty much the only endorsement she needed.

What greeted them was a packed dim bar in red and purple highlights. Lisa looked around, wide-eyed, surprised at how fluid the energy was even for a (technically) Sunday morning. The crowd felt different – like everyone had shed their day coats and stiff characters and were simply having a great time.

Jisoo patted her shoulder in appreciation. “You like it?”

“It’s interesting,” Lisa conceded. She glanced beside her and Jen’s not as overwhelmed as she was, although she seemed like she approved.

Chae returned with four shots, raised her own for a toast. “To the best gay bar in New York City!”

Wait, what? Lisa choked on her tequila.

“We’re in a gay bar?” Lisa asked Jisoo incredulously. The latter scoffed at her mildly.

“Lighten up, Manoban,” Jisoo clapped her back. “It’s 2019. We can go anywhere we want to. Besides, I love the vibe here on Saturdays.”

“You frequent this place?”

The older Korean’s eyes narrowed. “Obviously, Manoban. This is one of the best places in the city where our little gay hearts can have a lot of fun.”

Jisoo slinked towards the dance floor and left her and Jen standing beside each other.

“Jisoo’s gay?” Lisa turned to Jennie. The latter looked at her as if she asked Jen if Jisoo had a head at all.

“Yeah, she’s fluid. You really didn’t know?”

She shook her head. “And Chaeyoung?”

“She’s experimented before I think, but all guy exes.”

“So…she’s still gay? Or not gay?”

Jen shrugged and started dancing in her place. They were soon joined by Chaeyoung who apparently disappeared to get herself a vodka tonic from the bar.

Getting a hankering for a beer, she left the two and strode towards the bartender, taking the time to process this new information. She felt bad for being a little too ignorant of her friends’ activities. Has she really been that dense around things that she doesn’t pick up anything that wasn’t blatantly told to her face?

She studied the bar curiously. The only object that openly describes the place as a gay bar was the rainbow flag behind the bartender. Everything else was evident in the subtle things contributed by the patrons, like how the crowd was filled by gorgeous girls and boys, some in fluid characteristics but most overflowing with a certain confidence enhanced by safe spaces such as this bar. Or how there was so much energy, joy and freedom, magnifying the celebration of individuality. Lisa decided she liked it; if anything, it felt like a very New York thing to have.

A shot of tequila appeared in front of her.

“I didn’t order a shot,” Lisa told the bartender, but the guy amicably pointed to someone on the other side of the bar.

Lisa’s eyes widened in shyness. The other pair of tequila shots came from a stunning woman with piercing blue eyes that shone even in dim light; her long wavy light blonde hair playing on her shoulders freely. The stranger cocked her head slightly as if taking in Lisa’s reaction, the end of her lips tugged upward as the Thai’s blushing mess played out in front of her.

Lisa awkwardly tossed back the tequila in an attempt to avoid the blonde woman’s stare, choking a little at the alcohol strength hitting her palate. A hand cautiously ran across her back trying to soothe her.

“You’re not supposed to drink clumsily like that,” The words escaped the woman’s lips in a low croon, husky and spicy. It made Lisa shiver.

“Are you okay?” The woman asked. She looked a few years over thirty, but then again anyone in New York could look young and be 50. Her low-hanging blue silk cami left nothing to imagination, but even more so the leather black slim pants hugging her hips wonderfully, accented with tall stilettos. Her intensity felt overwhelming, just like all her physical attributes.

Lisa just nodded. She’s still trying to process this scenario.

The stranger’s blue eyes latched on to her brown ones as the woman took her own tequila shot, expertly swirling the alcohol in her tongue. The pink tip shot out playfully, grazing through the lower lip, cleaning drops of alcohol from the contrast of the fuck-me-vermillion colour on her mouth.

Lisa never thought she would ever come across this in her lifetime, but only one word came to mind: sensual.

This woman was undeniably sex on legs.

“Dance with me,” Her eyes never left Lisa’s as she smirked at the Thai.

Lisa’s mouth dropped as she tried to think of what to say. This woman’s confidence was overpowering her, not to mention the last tequila shot was doing a number to her senses.

“I’m sorry…I’m not gay.” Lisa heard herself mumble naively. “I’m just here with friends.”

The woman chuckled, then leaned towards her ear. “You don’t have to be gay to dance, do you?”

Lisa hazily shook her head. She felt her hand tugged playfully so albeit reluctantly, she sauntered towards the older blonde.

“Go, Lisaaa!” She heard her name called out by Chae and found her getting cosy in the packed area with Jisoo. Jen’s dancing beside them but was mostly watching Lisa tentatively, maybe even a little protectively.

This gave Lisa a bit more confidence as she’s soon started to groove on the dance floor, a few bodies away from her group. Random EDM beats drowned her senses.

She let herself give in, alcohol overriding her feelings. Her eyes were every once in a while trying to find Jen as sort of an anchor, but later on she closed her eyes and just…decided to be.

Never really hurts to let go just for a bit, right?

She felt hands landing on her hips and guided her as she swayed sensually to the beat, the stranger’s chest pressed close on her back as they intimately moved together.

It felt strange yet arousing, how the older woman panted near her neck, raw need obvious in every breath. Even the older woman’s smell intoxicated her: a mix of expensive bergamot and smoke and maybe pheromones. She felt her senses heightened to these introductions despite the alcohol numbing her defences.

The stranger’s hand tentatively touched the inside of Lisa’s waist, fingers softly carved itself on her bare skin and it triggered her, her body suddenly on fire.

She opened her eyes a little and tried to look at the person – any fuel that could stoke this fire. Yet she could only make out parts of the face as the woman latched on to her back , chin perched on her shoulder. Frustrated, she redirected her hooded gaze to a now frowning Jen, who looked too distracted to dance as she kept eyeing Lisa.

Confidence and alcohol doesn’t always mix well, Lisa would learn later on, but it suited the narrative in her head as she taunted Jen, grinding on the stranger’s body. Her lips tugged upwards as she saw the girl’s jaws set hard. The possessiveness looked so good on the Korean.

She further swayed seductively, unsure if she’s still seducing her dance partner or her best friend. To be honest she didn’t really care either way.

She just wanted to get a rise out of her best friend. Or any emotion, really.

Just…anything.

A moan escaped her lips, and the stranger, taking it as a welcome, pulled their bodies closer. Her backside resting on the woman’s pelvis, one hand spreading more on Lisa’s toned midsection and the other hand holding the space below the Thai’s collarbones possessively. Lisa felt like a marionette helplessly played around, overtaken by this deluge of wickedness.

Soft kisses land where Lisa’s neck and shoulders connect, an approving sigh vibrating on the woman’s lips. Lisa shut her eyes, letting the sensations take her, imagination plagued with images of sharp cat eyes and a sexy hue of vermillion on the Korean’s mouth and—

Vermillion.

Woman.

Her eyes opened wide.

Oh my god.

She pulled herself away quickly, then muttered “I’m sorry” before running aimlessly, away from the crowd, away from her. She heard someone calling her but she couldn’t stop each step from moving.

Oh god. Oh god.

She found herself at the end of a short line in the hallway towards the women’s toilets. She softly hit her forehead on the wall, never minding how absurd she must look like to the other girls standing in line. Stupid, stupid, she chastised herself.

Is she gay? Christ, it would be funny to note that she would learn about her sexuality in a gay bar, of all obvious places. Why was she affected by that woman?

No, she was just overwhelmed by everything. Confidence. Sexuality. And let’s be honest, that woman was gorgeous. She can appreciate it, no?

Then why the hell was she aching to be touched like that, to almost want those kisses to make way into something—

Vermillion. Those sexy vermillion lips.

But, oh god, why was she imagining Jennie’s instead and—

“Are you okay?”

There it was again, the husky sexy voice. Lisa closed her eyes as she felt her body move to face the stranger, the latter’s hands sliding on the side of her shoulders.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just…”

Lisa didn’t hear anymore when the woman cupped her hands instead on her cheeks, her forehead flat on the Thai’s. She seemed to be murmuring something but Lisa was getting intoxicated by the strong fragrance on the woman’s wrists, the way she husked near her face and how she annoyingly smelled so sexy even with her perspiration mixed with the smell of the bar.

How does this—

“Lisa!”

The Thai was jolted by the yank of a fuming Jen towards the wary figures of Jisoo and Chae who were waiting at the end of the hallway. She looked apologetically at the older blonde before following the Korean like a kicked puppy.

Lisa knew she asked for these emotions from Jen – anything to make her feel that the girl’s feeling even a fraction of what she feels for the girl. But with a million things clouding her drunk head, the questions of why eluded her and instead she just felt thoroughly confused.

Tonight, instead of feeling anchored by her best friend’s presence, she felt even more discombobulated than before.


	16. // TATGILB: Chapter 13

**2019, 2 days after the night at the gay bar**

Her head was throbbing again, not just from all the stuff she needed to finish over at Tisch before the semester’s break begins, but also from the pressing haziness of the weekend. She still hasn’t heard from Jen; the Korean deliberately trying to avoid her by not answering any of her calls. She’s not at her apartment either.

It’s driving her insane. It’s been a long time since her best friend got mad at her like this, but at least she always knew why. This weekend was so muddled in her head that she didn’t even know WHY Jen was angry. She kept asking Jisoo and Chaeyoung, but both girls were swearing they’re not keeping Jen in their apartments and haven’t really heard from her either.

Lisa hit her right temple repeatedly, trying to get the headache out as she pressed her phone to the other ear. She’s starting to get the ire of Chaeyoung but she doesn’t care. She will call them again to get them to give up Jen’s location if she can.

“Lisa, for the last time, Jen’s not with me!” Chae’s voice on her phone’s speaker blasted through her ear and made her other temple hurt. Great. Now both temples are throbbing.

“Chae, please, just tell me where she is. What did I do?”

A soft knock goes through the door of her apartment. Lisa wedged her phone in between her shoulders and her ear to pull the locks on the door.

“Like I said, Lisa, I don’t know what happened. She never told us anything that night. I just know she was pissed but that was—”

Jen was standing there, looking conflicted as Chaeyoung’s exasperated voice on Lisa’s phone echoed on the quiet halls.

Lisa’s jaw dropped, eyes widened.

“Chae, I’ll call you back,” Lisa cut her off and ended the call.

The blonde nervously stood there, unsure whether to hug Jen or not.

“Jen…I—”

Her words died in the dryness of her throat. Nothing she could say felt right. Nothing she could say seemed like it could encapsulate everything she wanted to say. But Jen continued to linger; brown eyes fastened to the Thai’s face, soft but stubborn and refusing to look her in the eyes.

It took a few more breaths, both of them gauging how to move forward. Where Lisa looks pleading, Jen looks absolute; and as Lisa wondered exactly what that look meant she heard the air through her teeth as the brunette suddenly gasped—

—and launched herself into the blonde uncertainly, lips softly landing unto hers, as innocent, as tentative and as experimental as a first kiss could get; but also as calm and as secure, an assertion that only years of familiarity could bring.

Both of them lingered in the kiss, melting in each other’s warmth…yet Lisa’s head was plagued by the plausibility of ruining something perfect.

How was it possible to feel two ends of opposing feelings in a kiss? How can you find the warmth of coming home then suddenly jump to the fear of losing the only home you’ve known all your life?

But that’s the thing, the blonde thought to herself. I’ll never stop wanting her.

_Then, fuck fear._

_Fuck it._

Lisa was about to indulge herself deeper into the kiss when Jen hastily broke away, eyes wide in obvious worry about this trespassing she allowed herself to do.

Oh, no, Lisa’s heart sank. Jen realised it, too.

“Lis, I’m sorry, I—”

But Lisa cut her by grabbing her sweatshirt forcefully, pulling the Korean towards her and claiming her lips with greedy vigour. Two days of worrying about Jen’s whereabouts and being shut out made her realise that she could never really be without the Korean in her life. If there’s any other time to tell her how she feels, it would be now.

_Fuck it._

She catapulted all her emotions into this kiss, begging – no, demanding – to be understood by Jen, of how much she wanted her, of how much she couldn’t explain all the why’s and how’s of what they have and who they should be but she needs Jen to feel everything that she couldn’t put into words.

They found their way inside the apartment, continuing the unspoken apologies and declarations between the tugs and nips of their lips. Lisa selfishly took answers in every gasp the older girl makes; Jen confidently affirmed for every run of her tongue in Lisa’s mouth, of all the years of yearning for this to happen.

No longer uncertain, no longer exploratory.

_This is us, each caress of their lips claimed. This is us. It took us a while, but this is us._

\--

“Jen,” Lisa breathed unto the brunette’s swollen lips, “what are we doing?”

Jen felt slightly manic as she constantly whispered “I want you,” to Lisa; to her mouth, to her cheeks, to where the blonde’s pulsing neck ached to be adored. Once again the Thai let herself be taken over by the Korean like she always allows. She indulged in every press Jen’s fingers made on her exposed back, feverish and firm as she lost herself in every declaration of desire.

She didn’t remember how they found their way towards the bed. What she did remember was how Jen commanded her to take her; how intense and impatient they were trying to get rid of their layers ripping them apart from their bodies and letting them fall on the floor. How they just couldn’t get enough of just wanting to touch, of wanting to feel.

And then all haziness stopped.

It stopped as Lisa moved two fingers inside Jen as the latter arched her body sexily, hungrily, needing more…and as if sensing it weren’t enough, Lisa plunged another finger. Mouth opened in overwhelming admiration, she watched Jen push her body upwards towards the blonde’s to meet her as Lisa buried her fingers, knuckles deep inside her. She could feel how the Korean’s walls gripped her tight as Jen ached for her.

It was an unravelling that made them both lose their minds amidst an already lingering insanity.

But it was also surprising how an intense undoing can create a sliver of clarity in the stupor of desire, where it dawned on them, as if for the first time:

_That this is her Jen._

_And this...is her Lisa._

They felt it, the shift in their emotions. How the intensity subsided as they both moved in unrehearsed synchronicity and was replaced by what feels like an orison. Lisa couldn’t take her gaze off the gentle rocking of Jen’s hips, each thrust asking to take more and more of what Lisa’s wet slick fingers could give. Jen latched on to Lisa’s bruised lip and sucked on them like a lifeline.

Their cries echoed loudly with every thrust, the brunette’s legs wrapping around the blonde’s body. With her free hand Lisa cupped Jen’s breasts, kneading gently as she ran her tongue on the brunette’s flushed skin, giving her taut nipples relief as she swirled them on her buds adoringly. Each push, each cry, each grip, each kiss were a string of invocations, of utter devotion.

It was worship in its rawest form.

“Lisa, please, don’t stop,” Jen’s voice cracked as her body convulsed with need as she kept repeating it over and over. Lisa thrusted deeply into the girl’s core, hooking her fingers in to further reach Jennie’s spot.

This unfolds Jen as she trembled under the blonde, her own fingers raw from grabbing the sheets tightly. And Lisa was in absolute awe as the girl came undone under her, tears in Jen’s tightly shut eyes, absolutely beautiful in her ache, in her pleasure. The Korean’s eyes glazed dreamily, limp in her post-orgasm bliss.

“I love you.” The girl faintly uttered before she surrendered to exhaustion.

Lisa’s heart sank as she seized the girl close, wondering how to take that in.

Because in all the years they’ve been friends, their meaning of “I love you” wasn’t exactly what she wanted it to mean.


	17. // TATGILB: Chapter 14

She woke up disoriented and alone. Her windows were dark; her bedside digital alarm clock glowing in bold numbers: 2:05 am.

Lisa took a moment to gather her thoughts. Surely what happened between her and Jen wasn’t just a dream, was it?

No, she was sure she could still smell the brunette’s scent on her sheets. She found her underwear and slipped it on along with a flannel that ran till her thighs. She carefully opened her door and winced, letting her eyes adjust to the meagre light of the common room.

“Jen?” Lisa tensely whispered in the dark. For a moment she was worried that the brunette left her, regretting their tryst. After her eyes adjusted in the shadows she found a figure sitting on the floor in front of the window, contemplating at the view of New York’s busy nothingness. She’s bundled up in Lisa’s sweatshirt that she probably found amongst the other clothes they haphazardly removed and were currently strewn around the apartment.

Lisa settled herself quietly beside her. She found a tall can of beer in front of the brunette, possibly swiped from her beer stack in the chiller.

“May I?” Lisa gingerly pointed at the can. Jen nodded, observing her as the blonde took it to her lips to take a swig.

They both continued to silently observe the view in front of them in the dark.

“I don’t think I have ever seen this view at 2am,” Lisa broke the silence, trying to start small talk. Her place over at East Broadway may not be as swanky as Jen’s neighbourhood in Morningside Heights, but she loved it for its personality. In the morning she can walk around the small parks and enjoy taking photos of the local shops around the vicinity before she disappears to the subway towards Tisch. She also loves that her place was just 10 minutes away from Bowery Ballroom, which hosts quite a lot of good bands on weekends.

Of course, these would have been really good perks if she ACTUALLY spent time in her apartment. Because she didn’t. Most of her time was spent sleeping over at Jen’s apartment if not walking around and memorising the shops all over Morningside so that she can get Jen a good breakfast before she leaves for her morning classes at Tisch.

Kind of explains of course why Lisa has never seen her neighbourhood’s view before at 2am.

A small smirk crept through Lisa’s face as she tried not to laugh at the thoughts in her head, but immediately righted herself when she realised the strain that’s starting to rise between them.

Jen stubbornly remained silent. Lisa awkwardly offered the beer back but the brunette just softly shook her head.

“Where did you stay?” Lisa tried again as she swirled the beer can a little. “ The whole weekend. I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

Lisa looked towards Jen to assess her a bit but the latter kept staring outside, refusing to react at all. The Thai retreated her gaze when she noticed that the girl’s only in her underwear and probably nothing else under the sweatshirt, and right now she didn’t want to be reminded of what happened this afternoon.

Not right now when her heart’s still a little bruised.

So maybe Lisa couldn’t help herself when she suddenly hissed, “I wish you at least told me you were okay. I worried so much about you,” because her heart was trying not to give way, but it has been so heavy the past few days. Lisa didn’t apprehend how huge NYC was until she realised she couldn’t figure out where her best friend holed up in trying to avoid her. She hated it, not being able to find her when she thought she knew Jen very well.

The tension between them was thick, and they haven’t even gotten to the part of the sex that happened between them.

Lisa rubbed her face in frustration. There’s just so much mess right now she couldn’t even really put a tick box on their issues anymore.

“Lisa, I’m sorry,” Jen sighed after a few moments. She saw the Korean glance at their messy bed for a bit from where they sat before looking at the Thai, then pulled a deeper sigh.

Lisa wished she didn’t see the guilt in Jen’s eyes but she did. _Damn it_.

“I don’t know what to say. I--" Jen stopped herself and shook her head, her forefinger nervously scratching her sweatshirt.

_This was it_ , Lisa thought. _This was the part where all the regrets pour in._ _This was where everything they’ve had gets reversed._ She took in a long drink from the can to prepare herself. 

“I wish it went better, but something…happened…on Saturday,” Jen tensely continued, almost narrating these thoughts to herself, oblivious to Lisa’s hesitations. “I think…seeing you dancing with that girl…it kind of struck me differently. I don’t know.”

_No, I don’t know either_ , Lisa almost said out loud. That night was a fucking mess in her head. She continued to drink from the can, swirling the bitter alcohol in her mouth.

“But you have to know, Lisa,” Jen insisted, glancing at Lisa’s hardened face, jaws pressed in frustration. “You have to know that I love you.”

_Yeah, this is definitely the prelude to telling me we’re friends and this was a mistake_ _,_ Lisa thought bitterly. But she wouldn’t let her best friend ever hear that from her, so instead she said dismissively, “I love you, too, Jen. You know that.”

Lisa thought she delivered it flippantly, making it sound like it didn’t hurt.

Like her throat wasn’t drying up from the boulder of emotions she’s trying to swallow. Like the stewing emotions in her stomach weren’t making her want to vomit.

“No, Lisa,” Jen took a deep breath and faced her, hands finding her stiffened jaw and moulding delicately her palm on the blonde’s cheek. “I mean…I’m in love with you.”

Okay.

This was not the declaration she was preparing herself for.

Her eyes tried searching Jennie’s for more answers. It felt as if those declarations were a little too brief for her liking.

“You’re in love with me?” Lisa repeated tentatively. Jen’s eyes looked anxious, but it seemed like she couldn’t help herself as she ran her fingers on Lisa’s scalp, playing with her blonde tresses lovingly.

“I think I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.” She whispered.

Lisa’s mouth hung open as she slowly sucked air in, her head hazy and ears unbelieving. Did Jen really just tell her she’s in love with her?

“Lisa,” Jen murmured hastily as she wrapped her palm around Lisa’s nape, her misty eyes pleading, worried about upsetting the blonde. “Please. Please, don’t get mad at me. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and I am worried you don’t feel the same way and I—”

The kiss caught Jen by surprise. The press of Lisa’s lips however wasn’t as demanding as compared from yesterday: it was tender and affectionate, but she could feel the girl’s emotions in each movement of her lip. Lisa’s fingers enveloped the back of her head and pulled her closer, and when that wasn’t enough Lisa wrapped Jennie’s arm around her neck, urging the brunette to hold the blonde tighter.

Jen nervously giggled but never stopped kissing Lisa as her arms tightened around Lisa’s nape, pulling the girl on her thighs, long legs strapped on Jen’s sides securely. Jen’s mouth tasted of cheap beer but Lisa would only remember how she couldn’t get enough of how heavenly she tasted.

Every swipe of the girl’s tongue on her felt like a calling. Every press of the creases felt like the fit of a puzzle that’s been trying to find a space for the past 10 years.

It finally felt like a home that guarantees you can stay. 

“You’re in love with me,” Lisa mumbled between their kisses, still not believing the confession. Jen nodded, muttering “I love you” and “I’m in love with you” and “I want you” interchangeably, and Lisa’s head swam hazily with so much adoration of Jen Kim and all these pent up emotions she’s bursting with.

She unconsciously started rocking her hips on Jen’s core, her body beginning to feel needy. She wanted to be set further on fire by Jen in every way possible, but she still revelled in the sweetness of this moment they are sharing. It seemed Jen understood her as her hands started gliding her back, a heated touch through her flannel. Her palms rested on the blonde’s hips for a moment as she softly tugged on the hem of the girl’s shirt.

“May I?” Jen husked in between kisses.

Lisa nodded. She felt Jen’s fingers working their way on her skin tentatively, treating her like a treasure she was worried to break. Her right thumb lingered just below the curve of Lisa’s breast, shyly running her touch on soft skin that’s betraying itself with the goosebumps that followed her fingertips. Lisa’s nerves were set alight by the chaste movements; her impatience making her wet.

She just wanted to finally feel Jen inside her, needy of wanting to know how much the brunette loved her. 

Jen pulled the flannel out of Lisa carefully then removed the sweatshirt that the Korean wore in a quick movement. Under the moonlight and wrapped by the soft hum of the sleeping city, Lisa’s gleaming pale form looked perfect.

There was a glint of hesitation from the brunette as her eyes marvelled at the blonde’s naked body. Her fingertips reached Lisa’s taut nipple, lightly tracing around her skin.

“I don’t deserve you,” She heard Jen whisper. “You’re so beautiful.”

Lisa closed her eyes and derived as much pleasure as she could from that small touch. When she opened them, she found Jen’s hooded gaze on her face, unmistakable lust painting it. The blonde delicately placed both of the older girl’s hands on her own breasts and gripped them in encouragement.

“I’m yours,” Jen’s palms vibrated with Lisa’s soft hums through her chest. “I’m yours, Jen. Forever.”

The room echoed Jen’s muffled sighs as the Thai fisted her hair, revelling in the way the Korean launched herself and sucked carefully on her chest; hands on her midsection, stroking and scratching them. Lisa shivered with a satisfied purr as she’s filled with more caresses while her hips started bucking again, looking for more friction.

Lisa was getting very much aroused and Jen could feel it.

Jen threw the girl softly on her back on the floor as she nipped and marked her younger lover’s body. Jen’s hands began to wander on her thighs and Lisa bucked under her, trying to get as much touch between them as possible. Jen’s thumb ran across the Thai’s underwear, pleased to find it damp in anticipation.

She pressed on the younger girl’s clit a few times before expectantly tugged the underwear aside, teasing her fingers smoothly across the folds.

She moaned at how soaked Lisa was for her.

Two digits thrust in exploringly, twisting inside the gasping blonde. They were instantly replaced by whimpers when Jen pulled her fingers out gradually, and Lisa was preparing herself for a deeper thrust when she realised the brunette had completely left her empty.

“Jen, what—”

But the Thai’s mouth dropped when her eyes zeroed in on the Korean’s tongue as it licked her taste off, face lost in savouring as she thoroughly cleaned her fingers.

Jen’s eyes darkened in heavy lust.

“Baby—” Lisa didn’t even get to appeal as she couldn’t stop Jen from diving between her hips and frantically running her tongue across her soaked underwear, then growling in impatience as she removed the underwear away from her legs and thrust her tongue inside her folds. Lisa’s cry pierced through the quiet walls.

Lisa felt Jen become desperate, her mouth covering Lisa’s soaked slits, the texture of her tongue tickling her nerves. Lisa felt so fucking good and she couldn’t stop herself from moaning out loud; and when she thought she was just about to burst she felt Jen’s fingers thrust inside her as her mouth expertly sucked on her hardened clit.

Oh, how she howled with pleasure exploding across her eyelids.

“God, Jen, fuck, it’s—” And she forgot her words as the older girl thrust deeper and alternated her licks and sucks, taking in as much of the blonde as she could, a second wave of orgasm already impending.

It didn’t take too long when Lisa’s fingers found the Korean’s hair and impatiently pulled her closer to her core and the Korean generously gave more. The blonde just cried uncontrollably in her gushes and pulses and screams and shudders and collapses, waves of pleasure assaulting her brain and leaving her high.

In the midst of this insanity, Lisa’s lips unconsciously uttered the one thing her heart has been keeping hidden for the longest time, like a manifesto of her existence:

“Please take my heart,” Lisa murmured desperately, like trying to succumb to a greater feeling other than her pleasure.

Like maybe an offering: to the higher gods, to the universe, to every deity willing to listen to her declarations.

“It has always been yours. Just yours.”

And oh, how Jen heard it, and how she kept delivering as the blonde rode her high, tears lingering in Jen’s eyes as she thought: finally, they’re free. Her adoring gaze awash the girl under her, mesmerised and hypnotised at the beautiful sight of the love of her life that was Lisa Manoban, unravelling in her arms.


	18. // TATGILB: Chapter 15

**Early 2020**

Lisa tugged on her long grey skirt nervously, hands trying to smoothen imaginary creases on her pleated long skirt. The weather was crisp enough for the blue striped light knitted cream sweater she was wearing, but her left arm was starting to feel clammy.

Suppose it didn’t help that she’s lugging two huge designer bouquets in one arm: one full of lilies and one full of grape hyacinths and daisies, both very much expensive but worth it. Lisa anxiously looked around the flood of togas dispersing the area, eyes looking for a few familiar faces.

When she couldn’t find what she’s looking for, she paused a beat to take in the Columbia University grounds, feeling nostalgic for a place that was never her own and yet was part of shaping who she was. Sure, she wasn't really a student there, but she had been an honorary Columbian to a degree, spending so much time in these school grounds the past years that there’s a stewing melancholy in her for places she has gone to love.

Like there’s that place over at Dodge Miller Theatre to her left, where she would meet the group for a quick lunch bringing sandwiches from Pret-A-Manger, sitting on the steps and Jen and Jisoo trying to cram more details for their econ class while the blonde crams food inside Jen. The latter would even get snippy in between bites why Lisa’s not studying with them.

Or that area near the sundial over at College Walk where she used to take photos of Chaeyoung for her projects, asking Lisa only for bowls of Pho over at Columbia Ave as payment. Lisa was so glad about how that shoot turned out that she even bought the girl more bowls on their late night bff dates together, which they later on made into a tradition every time they wanted to bond.

Or when Lisa and Jen would lounge around Morningside Park just outside the university and Jen’s hankering for something a little Asian, so Lisa would bring her Korean cheesesteak sandwiches from Wich-One. They then sit on the grass after studying while Lisa took photos of Jen’s gummy smile or she’s editing her latest project on her laptop, then they just catch up on each other’s lives when they’re apart.

Sometimes they talk about what they plan to do after graduation.

Usually, it’s about world domination.

Or at least, New York domination.

Or often, it’s about finally getting their own place in New York, where Jen will work for an international firm as a strategy consultant while Lisa works hard on her portfolio and securing top internships before she graduates. Jen would insist they get a 2 bedroom apartment so she can convert the other room into Lisa’s studio. _One that has natural light_ , Jen would push. Lisa would insist on a loft type apartment so she can still work with a bigger space – the common room. Jen would then push back and say they can still get a 2 room loft so she could have her own darkroom for her photography.

Then they would talk about how they would spend their quiet nights together with Chinese take-out and stale wine, or with Jen’s quick pesto pasta dishes spiked with dried chilli and sometimes sweet Thai basil that the blonde absolutely adores. Lisa loved it when Jen’s eyes light up when they talk about finding a place with a nearby farmer’s market, where they can go on weekends to get Jen’s strawberries and condensed milk fix.

Or planning on finding a better-looking loft for them later on that would allow pets, finally.

_Leo_ , Jen would argue. _That’s a perfect first name for a cat_ , the brunette would say.

_Luca_ , Lisa would dispute. _Would be a much better name for a pretty cat_ , the blonde would say.

Lisa smiled wistfully, lost in these memories. It’s usually the small things that bring heavier sentiments. It’s never the grand gestures.

But it did feel like the closing of another era. Graduations make you reminiscent that way, she supposed. 

An arm cradled her and Lisa leaned her head on her shoulder automatically. Like Jen, this woman smelled like home, too.

She met the serene gaze of Mrs. Kim and sighed. The Korean woman smiled knowingly.

“It feels like you’re graduating, too, no?” The older Kim remarked. Nowadays she spoke softer, but still as refined as Lisa remembered her.

She has been a mother to Lisa, too, and have become very much attuned to the Thai. However, after not seeing Mrs. Kim for close to about 4 years since she moved to New York Lisa was surprised to find like life has taken its toll on her: the older Kim seemed softer and less commanding as she used to be. In fact, she looked…frail, and a lot more human than she intended everyone to see.

Lisa never told Jen, but the past days that they’ve been spending time with Mrs. Kim she felt like the older woman always felt spent. The younger Korean chalked it up to jet lag, but it bothered her because that’s usually not how Mrs. Kim was. Lisa remembered her as the strong chastising woman who told her only child to use her own bike to not tire out Lisa back in those young summers.

Although frail or not, like Lisa’s mother, Mrs. Kim still understood her without saying much, still.

Lisa nodded and sighed again. If only Mrs. Kim recognised what the thoughts are going through her head right now.

The woman tightened her hug on the Thai sharing as much warmth as she could give.

“You helped her graduate, Lalice. Thank you for always looking after her,” Mrs. Kim whispered. Lisa surprisingly glanced at the older Kim, her old name resonating, unsure of what to say. She felt that it was the softest sentiment she got from Jen’s mum.

She swallowed thickly, trying to decipher what the words meant. But she wasn’t allowed to dwell when she heard a high pitched scream of “Lili!” and her head looked up, finding a barrelling Jen Kim in her toga, screaming and practically flying as fast as her heeled shoes could take her.

Lisa readied the bouquet of hyacinths and daisies but was surprised when she was assaulted with a massive bear hug, the flower arrangements in her arm crushed between them. Lisa laughed hard, her free arm wrapped Jen tentatively. But even before she could fully hug the Korean closer Jen pried them apart and gave her a soft kiss on her lips.

Oh.

If Lisa’s arm lay resting on Jen’s waist calmly, her face just showed so much panic that she couldn’t fully comprehend how her body parts were attached to just one body.

Did Jen just barrel into her and kissed her?

In front of her mother?

Lisa cleared her throat and, despite the furious blush on her face, gave the hyacinth bouquet to the new graduate. “Congratulations,” she croaked.

It seems Jen realised it too once she finally got to breathe. Sometimes habits are a bitch.

She herself blushed as she received the bouquet of flowers from Lisa, and then proceeded to jump on to her mom with the same vigour.

It didn’t escape Lisa though that Mrs. Kim was looking at her oddly. Like she’s trying to piece things together.

A burning feeling crept up to her neck. She tried to dismiss it but it made her feel a little uncomfortable.

“Nallalisa!”

Lisa’s head jolted towards the sound of one of Jisoo’s pet names for her. She saw Chaeyoung and a beaming Jisoo in a toga, and she felt her face tear with the smile that pulled across it. Relieved, she looked at the two Kims for a hint of permission before running off to the two other girls she had come to adore.

“Congratulations, Jisoo,” She gave the lilies after their group hug, with Jisoo looking at the Thai’s skirt ensemble appraisingly.

“You clean up well,” She remarked approvingly. “Thank you for the flowers.”

“The only time you’ll get something expensive from me, Jisoo. Dwell on it.” Lisa laughed, wrapping her arm around Chae for a soft hug. The latter has the same nostalgic look on her face, maybe daydreaming about her own graduation next year.

“Bitch, if this is expensive, it ain’t enough.” Jisoo sneered. She allowed herself a moment of softness however and smelled the bouquet. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re here.”

“It’s your graduation,” Lisa’s smile was ready to break her face. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Of course you wouldn’t or else Jendeukie would kill you if you weren’t here,” Jisoo’s eyes rolled as she playfully nodded to the two Kims who are currently absorbed in their selfies.

Lisa’s finger crossed her lips. “Shhh, her mum might hear you.”

“What, you telling me Mrs. Kim doesn’t know? The way you’ve been flirting since childhood, she probably knew before you two did.”

Lisa was about to retort when Chae hugged her closer while messing up her hair. “Shhhh. She just graduated, she gets dibs on teasing you today.”

“Last I checked, she makes sure she gets dibs on teasing me every day. Why would today be any special?” Lisa snorted but playfully smirked at the Kiwi. “Don’t worry, love, I’ll be sure to hold my tongue when it’s your graduation next year.”

“Thank you!” Chaeyoung playfully responded. “And I will hold mine on your graduation next year, I promise.”

“That is if Chae doesn’t lose her eyeball to so much eye-rolling over your batch’s pretentious art student asses over at Tisch next year.”

“Shhh, again let Jisoo have this moment,” Chae held her finger over Lisa’s lips when Lisa was just about to roast Jisoo’s ass. “I promise to not roll my eyes too much at your graduating class next year.”

Lisa elbowed Chae playfully which the girl mocks pain for. The two girls gave her so much crap over the years for being an art student, not to mention the fact that NYU Tisch School for the Arts does have a reputation for housing snobby rich if not eccentric brats. They did after all have the Sprouse twins as alumni, and, well, the more notable ones like Spike Lee and M. Night Shyamalan.

“You’ll be here then for our graduation?” Lisa asked Jisoo as her arm tightened on her Kiwi friend for emphasis. It was an open secret that Jisoo’s parents' plans were to haul her back to Korea to take over their business. “I’m sure you won’t honour the ‘new graduate privilege’ and tease Chaeyoung at the very least.”

Lisa could swear her two friends looked at each other weirdly before Jisoo replied.

“Of course, I’ll be here. To pester both of you,” Jisoo pointed out to Lisa, “because ‘new graduate privilege’ applies only to me.”

Lisa felt a hand encircle her waist and she found Jen’s chin on her shoulders, moulding on to her body. It felt calming to be sharing hugs with Jen and Chae on her sides, with Jisoo looking in fondly. Mrs. Kim stood beside them quietly, appraising the group.

A tear on her eye was threatening to spill, and when her eyes found Jisoo’s she realised the girl’s eyes were brimming with tears, too. A sad smile on her face.

“I’m gonna miss this place, too,” Lisa whispered, loud enough for the others to hear. “I’m gonna miss all of us here.”

Jisoo approached them and wrapped the girls in a tight hug. The group dwelled on the silence between them, part pride for accomplishing another step in their life, but partly a mix of anxiety and excitement for what’s in store for them next.

\--

When most of their friends dispersed around 1:30am, Lisa stood in the kitchen watching a drunk Jisoo and a drunk Chaeyoung cuddle on the floor, backs resting on the sofa frame instead of the actual sofa, both nursing a bottle of beer on their free hands. Chaeyoung kept giggling on Jisoo’s neck while the latter’s arm stretched around the Kiwi’s shoulders, fingers drawing random circles on her shoulders and every once in a while playing with Chaeyoung’s blonde tresses.

Boxes of pizza and bottles of beer were strewn around the apartment; the kitchen has two empty bottles of tequila, about three different flavoured empty gin bottles, and various kinds of chips all around the floor. They just hosted their final party for the year just before Jen’s about to move out. They’ve managed to pull about 20 folks from Jen and Jisoo’s graduating class to join along with other lower classmen from the Asian American bunch. Unsurprisingly Tef was also there; definitely uninvited but managed to find out about where the Asian hotties would be and wriggled in. Lisa wasn’t really caring at this point anymore. She managed to get over her personal vendetta when she realised Tef was just a rich white boy panty chaser from Tisch and not a competition as she thought him to be.

Lisa steadied her arms on the sink as she drank the remaining soda water on her cup, observing her two friends casually. When she got bored with their indiscriminate whispers she started picking up the empty bottles and threw them into the trash.

A pair of pale arms wrapped around her waist, and she felt small kisses pepper her nape.

“Let’s get that later,” She heard a lazy murmur behind her. Lisa calmed into the hug and leaned on Jen’s cheek as they both idly looked at the aftermath of the hall.

Small traces of Jen’s fingers found its way into Lisa’s bare midsection. Lisa hummed delightedly into the touch. She always loved the Korean’s affectionate strokes, but she couldn’t deny that it also sends the blonde into an enjoyable tension. She hasn’t really gotten over the feeling of always wanting Jen; of course, now she could be much more obvious about it, unlike back when they were still pretending to be platonic.

Pretending. Heh. Lisa couldn’t stop a chuckle when she thought of the word.

“Lili.” Jen murmured. Lisa hummed as a response to Jen’s pet name for her.

Lili and Nini. Partners in crime, Jen once said. She loved it, especially since Jen calls her Lili only in a certain adoring tone. It makes the name more adorable.

“What are you thinking?” Jen asked her gently while pouting. She’s never one for missing out on Lisa’s contemplations. Lisa shook her head softly.

“I was just thinking about how fast time flies,” Lisa replied as quietly. “I can’t believe early last year we were still sleeping over here as friends and now you’re graduating and leaving this place.”

“Do you want me to extend the lease so we can still stay here as lovers?”

Lisa chuckled with Jen. “And spend another year stifling my moans at night? No, thanks.”

“Yeah, I think we can be loud now over at our new place without worrying about college kids flunking their exams,” Jen placed wispy kisses on Lisa’s nape. “Although I think the neighbour across the hall’s about 90 so we may have to worry about her sleep.”

“She’s had 90 years’ worth of sleep, I can’t care less.”

“Oooh,” Jen taunted in a low voice as she softly nipped Lisa’s ear. “Look at you being brave for sex. I like this.”

Lisa tried stifling a sigh when Jen playfully ran her hand on Lisa’s core. Even with the jeans in between them she couldn’t help but feel turned on by Jen’s playful fingers that were lightly scratching her crotch and her thigh.

God, she can’t believe how much the girl turns her on.

“Careful. We don’t want to startle Jisoo and Chaeyoung.”

Jen snorted. “Do they look like they’re gonna be bothered at all?”

Lisa giggled, a little out of the mood now. She slinked her fingers in between Jen’s and brought them to her waist instead. She heard a slightly frustrated sigh from the Korean but she still moulded into Lisa’s back.

“I can’t believe you just graduated today. I can’t believe we’ve hosted your last student party.”

“I can’t believe we have to clean up all these things,” Jen sniffed. “Mom would have totally flipped.”

“You did book her a hotel in Upper Manhattan for a reason.”

“Imagine letting my mum sleep at a student’s measly apartment. Such a blasphemy,” Jen teased. “But also to get her out of my hair for this party.”

“True, but I think she deserves the sleep. She looked restless since she got here. She keeps taking naps. Is she okay?”

“Well, she had to do a transatlantic flight for a different time zone and contend with a place that’s outside her comfort zone, so she didn’t really fight anymore when I told her I’ll meet her for brunch tomorrow instead of a celebratory dinner,” Jen shrugged. “But I think she knows.”

Lisa nodded. “She always does. Your mom’s intuition never fails.”

“Yeah, well. She’s an Asian mom so that’s like twice the mom instinct, to be honest.”

They both paused, still watching their two other drunk friends practically make out on the bottom of the couch.

“Have you…told your mom about us?”

Lisa felt Jen tense a little.

“No,” Jen dragged the word out. “We never really had the chance to talk about it since she arrived.”

“Well, you’re a little too late with that after you kissed me in front of her.”

Jen playfully hit her arm as she laughed. “I think she kind of knows anyway.”

Lisa bit on her lip, contemplating.

“I’m not sure she does.” Lisa offered after a while.

“She probably knows. She’s spent a good bunch of her life watching us together.”

Lisa pulled Jen to her side so she could look at her face. It feels like the girl was avoiding the topic a little.

“It might be good to officially tell her. I mean, she’s not exactly happy about you accepting a job in New York in the first place, so it’s one of those things that just might pile up.”

“Yeah, but how can I say no to the—”

“--same firm that John Legend worked for—” Lisa spoke along with her.

“--here in New York?” Jen couldn’t even really mask her excitement even if she tried. When she told Lisa about interviewing for the firm, she couldn’t stop babbling about John Legend’s involvement in the prestigious company years ago.

“I don’t even know why you’re excited about John Legend working there before when your company produced a lot of other alumni who are pretty famous.” When Jen just pouted, Lisa pointed out: “I googled them. I mean I don’t know most of them but there’s a lot of them who are pretty good. I mean Mitt Romney was there, too, but I’m not sure you’re pro Romney at all.”

“Why are you raining on my John Legend parade?”

“I’m not! I’m happy for you. I’m just surprised you’re more excited for John Legend who worked there for only a few years more than a decade ago.”

The Korean kept pouting stubbornly. Lisa wrapped her arm around the girl. “But I’m happy for you. You worked hard for this and you deserve this. Hell, they’re lucky to have you. You’ll be making a name there more than John Legend did.”

Jen looked at her softly. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

A soft chuckle took Lisa’s attention and she looked back on Chae and Jisoo, who were now practically lying on the floor.

“Do we need to kick them out or just let them sleep here?”

“They’re adults, let them sleep on the floor.” Jen kissed her gently as she mumbled on her lips. “Now, I will be going inside our room and will be naked in a few minutes. If you don’t join me in a short while, I will start my fun without you.”

Lisa’s eyes widened as she returned the short kisses. “Wait, Chaeyoung and Jisoo might hear us having sex—”

“Do I look like I care if they hear you fuck the shit out of me, Manoban?”

If there’s anything Lisa can hedge on in life was that an impatient and sexually frustrated Jen was not one to be crossed.

“Okay, jesus, let’s go,” Lisa placated the Korean, earning her a mean eye-roll from her cat eyes. She glanced at her two friends one more time as they sneaked into the bedroom. She just saw what seems like Jisoo eating Chaeyoung’s face intensely.

“Wait, are they screwing each other?” Lisa hissed incredulously.

“Again, Manoban, ask me if I care.” Snapped Jen as she herself was poised to eat Lisa's face, thankfully the latter finally focusing on her demanding girlfriend instead of the racket that’s happening in the common room.


	19. // TATGILB: Chapter 16

**Mid 2020**

Everything on the menu looked expensive, Lisa thought, but Jen didn’t seem to mind. She even hummed appreciatively as she looked at the food choices, murmuring comments to herself.

It has only been three months since her girlfriend joined her international strategy consulting firm and yet Lisa already feels like Jen was a changed person. Since she started Jen has been working practically 14 to 16-hour shifts and has flown to about two other states and two countries outside of the US; the last one being Amsterdam that she just got back from two days ago. So when her girlfriend asked her to pick a restaurant to have a late celebration in--her treat, Jen says, which at this point Lisa's budget was just glad--Lisa picked one that seemed quiet enough to have quality time in.

“We can have a Bottega along with some New Zealand Pacific oysters for starters. Maybe an order of Mussels Mariniere, too, or do you want a burrata and rocket salad instead? We can then share a medium-rare rib-eye and lobster linguine?” Jen ran a few ideas to her. With the way the options rolled off her tongue she might as well have been speaking Italian – none of the food she mentioned made sense in her head. “I’m surprised you picked this restaurant. This is really good. How did you come across this?”

Lisa shrugged. She heard the place was an old cult favourite, with its thick walls adorned with old paintings and dark ambience and old bulky furniture covered with long table cloths. How many restaurants still use thick white table cloths? Lisa didn’t know it was a relatively classic upscale restaurant that caters to classy professionals and the older bougie crowd and came with a menu she could barely read.

Although they have a table near one of the back corners that afforded them some kind of privacy, it didn’t escape Lisa that they’re one of the youngest customers right now. If she admitted to Jen that she just looked at top-rated restaurants around Yelp, would that still sound credible enough?

Jen perused the menu again while Lisa felt a little out of place. Sure, she wanted to spend alone time with Jen – who hasn’t even really been around enough much to decorate their new apartment nor spend quality time with her on the weekends. Work demands too much, Jen would constantly tell her, but she could see how happy the Korean was. Work may be hard, but she knew the Korean’s happy being maximised to her potential.

But every time her girlfriend was home she always felt like a different person, and maybe that’s what bothers Lisa a little: Jen comes back and she’s suddenly someone who’s much more driven, someone who’s now using more sophisticated makeup, someone who dresses up in stilettos, and apparently, now, someone who carries herself well in an upscale restaurant and knows how to order oysters for starters with some wine. A bit of a far cry from their diner and pizza ordering days.

And Lisa’s happy for her. Really.

She just missed her old Jen, is all.

Her hand lands on the Korean’s thigh wrapped in thin stockings. Lately, the Korean has had an overhaul of her dresser and has looked very sharp in professional two-piece suits and dresses, just like the slim-fit black midi dress and Chanel tweed blazer she’s wearing at the moment which puts to shame Lisa’s daily sweatshirt outfits for NYU Tisch. Lisa managed to dress up in a slim-cut silk crepe shirt and tailored pants for tonight (mentally thanking Chaeyoung’s largely YSL wardrobe that she raided it from), but Jen undeniably grew into her role effortlessly.

Lisa ran her hand up and down the occupied girl’s thigh lightly. She’s still looking at the menu for other options and hasn't really paid attention to Lisa’s fidgeting.

Lisa’s hand slipped a little higher and her fingertips felt a delicate texture. Her eyes dropped on Jen’s thighs and found that the girl was apparently wearing not just plain black waist stockings but thigh-high lace-top black stockings, held up by a garter belt. Jen was too distracted to see Lisa swallowing thickly.

Yes, Jen was growing into her maturity very well.

Very well indeed.

This was definitely a change Lisa can get behind.

“…and then we can just share an affogato after. Is that okay? What else do you want?” Jen checked with Lisa without looking up from the menu, the darkening of the latter’s eyes escaping her. The Thai licked her lips before responding.

“You.”

“Hmm?” Jen asked, now looking at Lisa’s hooded gaze.

The younger girl slid her hand slowly upward, her fingertips carefully pressing on Jen’s stockinged legs, heat in her brown eyes.

“I said,” Lisa enunciated her words. “I want. You.”

Lisa’s fingers reached Jen’s lacy underwear, but even before the girl could protest, she dipped her long fingers on the fabric, pressing on her folds. Lisa licked wet her bottom lips as her middle finger dared to move Jen’s underwear aside and slide through her moist slit teasingly. The Korean gasped, wide-eyed.

“Lisa, what are you doing?” She breathed in between her teeth.

“I’m having my appetiser,” Lisa brazenly replied, then slowly brought her fingers to her tongue.

The way her pink tip swirled around her fingers made Jen incredibly frail and needy.

Oh, yes, Lisa just fucking missed Jen.

“Lisa, what are you…” Jen tried weakly, but she knew that the determined look on Lisa was something she could never quite fight.

Lisa grabbed a fork, and then made a show of dropping it under the table. Thank god for long table cloths at classic restaurants, right?

“Lisa, what the fuck are you doing?” Jen hissed when Lisa disappeared under the table cloth.

Lisa thanked her choice of wearing pants today as she knelt on the floor and moved the table cover further to expose Jen’s legs. Her hands wandered appreciatively on Jen’s stockings, wondering how this pair of flimsy leg nets can manage to arouse her.

Well, it’s not really just the stockings, is it? Anything that Jen puts on turns her on. She could very well be just wearing sweatshirts and she’d be all over the girl.

Although being on her knees like this and asking entrance to Jen’s thigh-high stockinged legs while under the table in a public restaurant?

Definitely a kink she never knew she had.

A bucket list she never even considered. Hands down.

Lisa placed soft kisses on both of Jen’s knees, before carefully pulling them apart. She slowly trailed her legs with licks and playful nips, and when she got midway, she tapped on Jen’s thighs, asking her to slide down on her chair further.

The Korean playfully hit back on her shoulders under the table, then the former raised the table cloth a bit to peer in. No—Jen mouthed, eyes wide and laughing quietly.

Lisa bit on her lower lip and yanked her girlfriend towards her, prompting a small yelp from a surprised Jen. Lisa’s working with a very short period of time here and she doesn’t have the patience for games.

She WILL have Jen, and she declared that by quickly sliding the dress up and removing Jen’s matching black lace lingerie. She took just a moment to appreciate the nakedness of the girl under the table cloth with only Jen’s garter belt resting on her hips, making a mental note to have this view again once they’re back home.

She leaned over and despite Jen’s slight apprehension, her smell of arousal was palpable, making Lisa’s mouth water.

“Lisa, will you—”

And then she gasps silently when Lisa’s tongue ran across her slit slowly but generously. Jen raised the table cloth slightly to look at Lisa’s indulgences but she couldn’t help herself as she closed her eyes and licked her lips, trying to put in as much composure as her sanity could for the public.

Lisa watched as Jen’s knuckles turned white on her bunched-up skirt, her breathing hitching. She felt the girl push further into the blonde’s mouth, thighs clamping her head.

Guess Jen missed her, too.

“Is everything okay, Madame?”

Lisa’s eyes widened as she heard another voice, presumably a waiter’s. She paused for a bit, listening as Jen stuttered.

“Yeah. Yeah, uh…just a headache.”

“Are you ready to order or do you want to wait for your company?”

Lisa grinned. It would depend on how fast Jen came before she’s joined again by her “company,” she naughtily thought.

“No, I’ll have a bottle of Bottega until she comes—”

Lisa took this time to lick playfully on her slit—

“—arrives.” Jen gasps. She then clears her throat, “Also oysters, please.”

“Do you want the dozen or the 24?”

“Any,” Jen responded quickly, perhaps trying to get the waiter to go immediately. And maybe realising she didn’t make any sense, she cleared, “just the dozen. Give me 10 more minutes for the mains?”

“Surely, madame.”

Lisa didn’t hear much more but she could see parts of Jen’s face from the small gap of the table cloth, and she revelled at how the Korean bit hard on her lower lip, desire obvious but trying her best not to fall apart. Jen impatiently grabbed the Thai’s hair and pulled her further, begging her to go faster.

Tempting her further, Lisa inserted two fingers in and sucked hard on the girl’s clit. She knew it’s killing the Korean not being able to make any noise at all, but if the girl’s quivering thighs and a tight grasp on her hair were any indication, Jen’s definitely close.

Maybe there’s something about public sex that edged the Korean quick, and a few sucks and flicks of her tongue later, the girl’s orgasm buckled her knees, clasping Lisa’s head firm as the latter helped her ride out her high. White knuckles, flushed face, and quick breathing were the only indications of Jen’s orgasm.

Lisa rested her head on Jen’s thigh, trying to catch her breath. She’s surrounded by the heady scent of the girl and to be honest she could have stayed there longer. This was one good dinner, she told herself, chuckling. Oh, they should definitely do this again, soon. A cumming Jen in public and painfully outside of her control was massively hot.

Jen tenderly placed her palm on Lisa’s head, running her fingers on the blonde’s scalp. After a few seconds, Jen tapped her, a signal for her to start getting up.

Lisa picked up Jen’s underwear that she apparently left on the floor, putting it inside her pocket. When she was sure the coast was clear, she popped out of the table, a fork on her hand. A smug grin was evident on her face.

“Sorry,” She cockily winked before placing the fork on the table. Jen’s eyes rolled as the girl kept trying to catch her breath. “Just dropped my fork.”

“Where the fuck is my underwear?” Jen hissed, looking under the table between her legs. “You couldn’t even be arsed enough to put it back?”

Lisa unearthed the lacy underwear from her pocket, showing it to Jen before stuffing it back. “I just want a souvenir. Perfect scrapbook memento of your first year working.”

“You know normal people just save wine bottle corks,” Jen softly slapped her arm and rolled her eyes again, but this time more playful. She was just about to speak when the waiter came back with a bottle of bubbly.

“Here’s the sparkling wine, Madame. I’ll be bringing the oysters shortly.” A small pop, and then liquid being poured into glasses. Lisa smiled playfully at the waiter and raised her fork.

“Can I get a new one, please? I dropped this.”

“Surely,” The waiter replied and grabbed the fork, and if he weren’t oblivious to Lisa’s playfulness he certainly did not show anything. Lisa went for her wine glass and smacked her lips a little.

“This is good,” She murmured to Jen, whose eyes are now hooded and looking at her darkly. She’s now huddled closer to the blonde and was lazily running her fingers on Lisa’s pants, her breathing still anything but normal.

Jen always becomes clingy after an orgasm, Lisa chuckled to herself. She let the girl clutch her further as she took a few more sips of the wine.

Lisa’s eyes widened as she felt her pants clasp open, a hand deftly making its way inside her trousers. Jen’s still huddled close but she could see her biting hard on her lower lip.

Lisa sighed. Oh, how she wanted to do this, but maybe they might have to wait until they got home.

“Actually, I have to tell you something,” Lisa murmured. She softly pulled Jen’s hand away and snapped her trousers back closed.

“Is it more important than getting restaurant sex?” If Jen was apprehensive earlier, she’s definitely daring now. Lisa swears sex just does so much to the girl. Maybe if Jen ever becomes president, she’ll have to remember to not to fuck her just before she decides to sign a civil war clause.

“Yes. Unfortunately,” Lisa added the last word when Jen’s brows twisted. When Jen faced her seriously, Lisa finally took a deep breath and came out with her announcement.

“I got an internship at Rankin.”

Jen was a little slow on the uptake--she has, after all, just come down from her high, but when she finally took it in - finding Lisa’s lips tugging playfully upwards, she burst into a certain pride, melting at the revelation.

“Oh my god,” Jennie gasped, two hands covering her mouth, “Lisa! That’s...oh my god!” She enveloped the blonde into a huge hug.

Lisa was trying to downplay the achievement, but Jen knew how big it was for the blonde. She has mentioned to Jen before how the Rankin Agency, the creative team supporting world-renowned photographer Rankin, takes on just a few interns per year - this year looking into possibly taking only two to learn under the prestigious photographer. 2 out of potentially 500+ applicants internationally.

And Lisa’s going to be one of them.

Jen couldn’t express how proud she was of the girl. She saw how hard Lisa worked to improve her portfolio over the past few semesters. They never quite discussed it as Lisa was a little nervous with the turnouts, but she knew she sent her portfolio to multiple high ranking agencies. And she received support from multiple distinguished professors from Tisch.

Lisa definitely deserved this, and so much more.

“Lili, why didn’t you tell me immediately?” Jen asked, both hands cupping Lisa’s face, her thumb playing around the blonde’s shy grin.

“I thought it was a perfect announcement after the oysters, but…” Lisa shrugged playfully. Jen pinched her nose with the same energy.

“So, you’re starting there after graduation?”

“No, that’s the thing,” Lisa answered after a few seconds, twirling her sparkling wine nervously. “I have to defer for a semester, or maybe even a year. The intake will start soon and they won’t be able to wait for me.”

“As long as Tisch is okay with this, right?”

“I’ll have to talk to the dean but it’s not exactly something new. A lot of students take leaves to focus on a few projects.”

“So…what’s the problem?” Jen has a way of asking things directly when Lisa tries to cover things up. She just knew her best friend and lover very well.

Or, well, maybe because she just hasn’t stopped nervously twirling her sparkling wine since.

“I can’t fail,” Lisa muttered somberly after a few tense seconds.

“What do you mean?”

Lisa drew in a deep breath. “I can’t fail. If I choose to defer for a year, I can’t fuck up the internship. It’s a make or break opportunity. If I accept it, I have to turn down the other applications I made, and it would be hard to chase after them later on. I can’t fuck it up. I need to make sure I survive Rankin and I don’t fail.”

Jen entwined her fingers on Lisa lovingly, then tugged her hand close. Her lips grazed the back of her palm. “Baby, you won’t. You deserved this so much, I know you’ll do well. Don’t worry.”

Lisa uncertainly licked her lower lips. “I’m just worried about fucking up.”

Jen’s forehead creased hard. “Why would you think you would fuck it up?”

For a few tense seconds, Lisa just let the air of uncertainty hug them.

“I don’t know. I feel like I sometimes just do.”

Jen slightly faltered, but she gripped Lisa’s hands hard.

“You won’t fuck it up,” Jen affirmed slowly, thinking about her words carefully. “I know you would always think when the world fails, it’s your fault. It isn’t. But you always find a way to make things fall into place.”

Jen’s cat eyes bore into hers, and she tried to make it seem like she was as confident as she wanted it to seem.

“I’m proud of you,” Jen gently breathed after a few moments. “You always find a way to make it happen. And this – you definitely made this happen for you. You deserved it.”

Lisa gazed at her tentatively. When she thought she was more confident earlier suddenly the blonde felt so vulnerable, being under the gaze of someone who seemed to have achieved a lot in only 3 months. How will she measure up?

But the girl wrapped her fingers around hers tight, and Lisa knew that nothing both of them could have said that night would have matched up to the feeling that hand wrap’s affirmation had given her.

Sometimes, it’s in the small things.

And Lisa tries to remind herself of that.


	20. // TATGILB: Chapter 17

**Late 2020**

There was this quote Lisa encountered in the past: Sadness chases after so much highs.

Or was it something about ‘water flows in only to flow out’? Or some similar Chinese saying. Something about what comes up must come down.

She always heard about “Rainbow after the rain,” or even “No rain, no flowers.” Telling you to pursue things because there’s always something to reap afterward makes sense, but cautioning you to not invest in something that makes you content because something might hurt you after? 

That was massive bullshit.

But it was all that came to mind when she opened the door to their room and found Jen sitting on the floor, back resting on their bed frame, half-packed luggage in front of her and most of her clothes strewn around, looking like the world just fell on her shoulders.

After more than a year of everything finally going their way - a great start to a career track for Jen; receiving an internship offer from one of the most regarded photographers in the country for Lisa; moving to a new apartment; experiencing the highs of being in love with a girlfriend and just having a good time with her best friend - finding the love of your life crumpled on the floor was just the least of the things she ever expected any time soon. Or just never, really. No one ever gets prepared for these kinds of issues.

In some sort of intrinsic self-conservation, Lisa saw their happy life flash before her eyes. Like her mind flooded her with the happy moments to cushion her from a probable hurt.

Her first instinct was to think: _what did I fuck up?_ The blonde’s wide eyes were all over the disconcerting scenario unfolding. _Oh my god, what did I do to make her want to leave?_

But with the empty look on her eyes stained by the strain and pain on her face, Jen slowly faced her and there was a momentary relief in finding Lisa but…not enough.

_Oh no._

And somehow she knew the answer when the next question to plague her mind was, _shit, what happened that I didn’t get to protect her from?_

Lisa ran to Jen immediately, dropping on her knees to level her eyes with the Korean.

The latter didn’t move. She was expecting Jen to crumble in her arms and just give the weight to her, but she just looked at her blankly like Lisa couldn’t help her at all.

It was painful how she felt she couldn’t really give Jen relief, but Lisa pushed the thought away. It wasn’t something to dwell on right now. This wasn’t about her. Jen has always been the strongest person she knows, and she sometimes disliked her girlfriend being so independent to the point that she never needed anyone.

Not even Lisa, if we’re being really honest.

“Nini, baby, what happened?” Lisa whispered. Small sounds just felt so loud in the quiet room.

Jen shuffled a little, looking at everywhere except Lisa. The latter cupped her face quietly and forced her to focus on the Thai’s eyes.

“Nini,” She murmured, coaxing the Korean out of her shell. “What happened?”

Jen opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She closed it again, then swallowed thickly. Her eyes kept darting everywhere.

“Baby,” Lisa called again. “Please, tell me what happened. Baby, I’m here, tell me.”

But Jen wasn’t snapping out of her stupor. She kept licking her lips and trying to speak, but nothing came out.

Lisa didn’t know what to do, but if there’s anything, she knew the best she can give was herself. She threw body towards the brunette abruptly, almost like trying to force her to feel, then wrapped her arms around the Korean.

She felt Nini gasp for breath, and then her breathing stuttered like it was painful to let air in.

Then it was quick bursts of breath, then a feeling of something wet on her cheek where the Korean’s resting on. Lisa knew then that her girlfriend’s about to collapse because when her tears came before the sobs, she knew Jen’s in big trouble.

Lisa tightened her grasp of the Korean and after a few tense seconds, she finally heard it – the stilted wails, those painful cries that she wished she would never hear from Jen. But it never stopped as they started increasing, getting more uncontrollable until they became full sorrowful weeps and Lisa couldn’t do anything anymore. She held on to the girl tight and hoped that it stopped at some point – the pain, the sobs, the world – everything.

After long painful minutes of crying the two found themselves tightly hugging each other sprawled on the floor along with Jen’s clothes. She’s started to slowly breathe more while snuggled on Lisa’s chest, her heart trying to match Lisa’s slower heartbeat. Lisa didn’t ask any more– she never does until Jen’s ready, and Jen’s silently thanking the gods for that, because when she finally said the words, it felt dirty and final and hopeless, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to forgive Lisa if they were words that were forced out of her mouth.

No one should ever have to utter these words, but they happen and it happened to Jen.

“Mum has cancer,” She whispered. “I can’t lose my mum, Lis. I can’t. I can’t lose her.”

Lisa couldn’t stifle her gasp. For the half an hour they were on the floor she prepared herself for the worst yet hearing it was still hard. There were a lot that ran through Lisa’s head: fright, shock, panic, worry, hope. She wanted to tell Jen that it’s not supposed to feel final. Everything can still be okay.

But this isn’t her fight and she knew Jen needed her to be her rock, hence she slipped into a new hard shell and tried to be the strongest version of her she knew.

She wordlessly wrapped herself further unto the Korean and let her cry, but surprisingly no more sobs came out of the girl. And for a moment, it scared her, because she knew Jen’s starting to slip into her strong indifferent self; the part of her that fixes things alone. The part of her that never needed anyone.

And she’s scared she would be a part of those she doesn’t need, too.

Then she heard it – the next words that will haunt her for the next few months:

“I need to go.”

“Babe, tell me what happened,” Lisa whispered dreadfully. She made Jen face her and look at her straight in the eyes, but the girl’s attention remained avoidant. She looked everywhere but Lisa’s eyes.

“I got a call from uncle Myung,” Jen continued in a slight daze. “He said the doctors detected it relatively early but she needs to go through chemo. She knew. She knew about it but she never told me, Lili. She’s been keeping it from everyone.”

“She was probably scared,” Lisa offered as her thumb ran across Jen’s cheek to wipe a tear. “But she’s the strongest woman I know.”

“But I could have been there, Lis. She should have told me! If I knew, I would have stayed in Korea with her. She was in pain but she wasn’t telling me and, oh god, what have I done?” Jen sobbed harder. “They’re saying it might be harder for older women to pull through and—”

And she paused, trying to see if she could make words materialise into sounds. Lisa felt the girl tense under her as she wrapped herself around her body, how Jen added many layers of defences into herself again.

Lisa’s already familiar with this, of all the years they’ve spent together. She could never fully understand how Jen would never let herself feel vulnerable that Lisa would practically see her adding layers and layers of fortification for her own self-preservation.

But it’s just Lisa. Can Jen not see she comes with no harm? 

“Jen,” Lisa’s voice croaked against her insecurities. “Let’s figure something out. Let me come with you.”

Jen just swallowed thickly, avoiding her gaze again.

“No,” She finally said. “I want you to stay here.”

“No, Jen, please,” Lisa spit out harshly. “We can fly to Korea together.”

“No—” Jen repeated and Lisa was just getting too tired of all the ‘no’ that they’ve been exchanging. “You’ll stay here. I’ll fly home alone.”

There’s something about the “fly home” phrase that didn’t sit well with Lisa but she resisted spitting back. The girl was picking up her clothes again and chucking them haphazardly unto her luggage. Lisa made a mental note to check in with her mother to see if there’s anything they can do for Mrs. Kim.

Jen’s hard to argue with when she’s catatonic, so Lisa just helped her pack stuff quietly. When Jen settled a little, Lisa brought out her own luggage and started pulling her shirts. Jen just looked at her dully.

“What are you doing?”

The words came out harsher than Jen intended. Lisa gritted her teeth.

“I’m coming with you.”

She heard Jen taking deep breaths. Deep rebellious breaths.

“No.”

“No, you listen to me,” Lisa lashed out. She couldn’t understand how Jen’s letting her work with so little. “I will come with you. I know you feel scared, but I can’t let you go alone. Not with this. Not now, Jen.”

“I can’t let you do this.”

“Well, guess what, Jen?” Lisa practically screamed, throwing a shirt hard into her luggage. “You don’t have a call on this.”

“I fucking do!”

“Oh?” Lisa taunted. She’s usually not one to push Jen but she just doesn’t understand why the girl was pushing her away. “And what are you gonna do?”

Jen looked her straight in her eyes. “I’ll fucking break up with you.”

Lisa paused. Surely Jen wouldn’t do this to her?

That was just an empty threat, right? Jen was just under pressure, right?

“No, you won’t.” Lisa softened a notch. Her face was resolute but her eyes were giving her insecurities away. “Please. Let me come with you.”

Jen shook her head. She’s saying no, but it’s almost as if she’s just shaking Lisa away from her head.

“Lisa, you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are right now. I can’t take this away from you.”

“You’re not taking anything away. I’ll be fine. I’ll go to Korea with you.”

“No, you’ll stay here.”

“Jen, she’s important to me, too!” Lisa cried out in frustration. She knew she doesn’t have the right to impose; she’s not family. She’s not the one in immense pain. But why can’t Jen understand that she wanted to be there for the two of them? That they’re both important to her?

“I can’t have you ruining your chances for this.”

“They’re nothing, Jen. I could get another internship. It’s just an internship.”

“It’s not _just_ an internship! It’s your dream!”

Lisa may have been trying for insouciance, but her resolve was starting to break under Jen pushing – no, shoving – her away. She can only handle so much. “Rankin is just another company, don’t worry about it.”

“Are you hearing yourself?”

“Please, Jen. Just let me be with you.”

Jen’s bloodshot eyes fell on the floor, unwilling to fight anymore. She ambled onto the bed, disoriented and numb, collapsing into a fetal position. Her mouth dry from all the crying. She’s wincing as her head pounded from everything pressing onto her small self.

Lisa’s heart broke. The Jen she knows: the Jen of New York who has been nothing but a strong, hard-headed fighter, boldly taking on the world only months ago and giving Lisa the inspiration to do as well as her…was suddenly reduced into fragility in front of her. She knows Jen will be back, but right now she’s allowed to mourn for the probable imminent mortality of her mother, the only parent who raised her.

But was it too much to ask for her to realise Lisa’s family, too? And she will drop anything – ANYTHING – to be there for her, too?

“I’ve booked a flight tomorrow morning. Lis,” She whispered, exhaustion setting in hard. “I need you to be here and taking on the world. For me. Please.”

Lisa’s hands clenched beside her. She doesn’t understand how Jen could be so stubborn about her love.

“No.”

“Please.”

“No…”

“Baby, please,” Jen was begging now, and it was a tone Lisa could never argue with. “I’ll let you know what happens when I get there.”

Lisa bit on her lip, then climbed on the bed behind Jen and slowly wrapped her arms around her. The Korean turned around and hid her face on Lisa’s shivering body and started sobbing. Lisa ran her fingers through her hair, letting her grieve.

“Please. Just let me come with you,” Lisa pleaded again, apprehension obvious in her voice. “I just want to be there for you.”

Jen shook her head in between soft sobs.

“I know,” Jen replied through Lisa’s tears-stained shirt. “Lisa, just give me this. I want to be able to focus on mum and not think that I’m ruining you along with me. PLEASE—” She stressed when she felt Lisa just about to argue. “I’ll keep you updated. I’ll need you while I’m there, but I need you to be here and giving me a semblance of normalcy. I need to know there’s a part of my life that’s going well, and I need you to do that for me.”

Lisa took a huge painful breath and nodded even if Jen couldn’t see her. She moved away a little from Lisa and looked at her eyes. Jen’s looked like she’s trying to be strong but she could see the cracks of her confidence where her tears ran. “I need you to trust me.”

Empty of words to argue, the Thai pushed herself to nod.

She trusts Jen. But somehow deep down, Lisa knew that it’s Jen who doesn’t trust herself and what they have.


	21. // TATGILB: Chapter 18

**Late 2020, weeks after**

It was five long gruesome weeks.

The weeks after Jen left became a challenge of resolve for Lisa.

For one, she spent most of her sleepless nights at home trying to call Jen. At first, her girlfriend would give her all the details she could and Lisa tried to pass on as much hope as she could. Jen has calmed down considerably now that she could be physically there. There’s still an edginess to her voice though, possibly brought about by the fact that there was still a lot of unknown around her mum’s current state.

She just called her every day, listening, telling her what the Korean needs to hear. She never told her about how Lisa felt distressed about the too empty a bed, or how her scent has started to wane. Or how she hated having to go home to an apartment bereft of Jen. She can’t possibly add more stress to the girl. She promised she would push through with New York and Rankin for her, so if she needs to show she’s strong, she will.

It helped that Jisoo was constantly there. She would tell Jisoo everything she knows and they try to sort it out together, often with inputs Jisoo gets herself from Jen. They figure out the best way to approach things. She never complained even if Lisa ranted non-stop, and for that, she was grateful that Jisoo was still in New York.

They never really talked about it either, maybe because Jisoo didn’t want to impose on Lisa. All Lisa was told was the Korean defied her parents’ wishes and stayed in the US, taking on a role in banking hoping to appease her parents a little. _Just one or two more years, please_ , she told her parents. _One or two more years of freedom and I’ll come back to you._

Lisa knew there’s more to that, of course, and she makes a mental note to clarify from Jisoo once all of these have gotten more bearable.

Chaeyoung was also there. The girl was scheduled to graduate on time and was swamped to the brim, but she managed to find a time to check in with Lisa. If Jisoo helped manage her feelings for Jen, Chaeyoung made sure she helped manage herself. She was the one who kept reminding Lisa to be mindful of her time, to keep healthy, to rest more. That she needs her energy and focus allocated on the things that would demand more from her. To not spread herself too thin.

But then the updates became harder and harder to take. They also came in less and less. Maybe the Korean felt like the less she shared, the less the updates were true.

And then Jen started snapping when she asked for more details, so Lisa started avoiding asking about her mum and just waited for anything the girl could spare her. Jen sounded tired, trying not to complain about how much the whole thing was taking an emotional toll on her. How every visit to the doctors became dreadful. How seeing her mum vomiting and becoming more tired made Jen more and more agitated. Jen thrived in controllable details, and Lisa could read in between her words how Jen’s starting to feel like everything was slipping out of her grasp.

Weeks after, Jen became more busy on the times that they try to catch up.

It wasn’t easy. The blonde tried waking up at 5am just so she could catch Jen in her early evenings, or stay up after 1am New York time just so she could speak to Jen till after lunch Korea time. It started to take a toll on her internship with Rankin when they noticed she’s less energetic, but she always tried to make up for it.

She tried giving her best, but a part of her also felt like she was just waiting for them to realise she’s fucking up. Like she’s counting the time for the bad news to be delivered.

But as long as she’s still getting by and getting something from Jen. That’s all that matters.

Small things. She started focusing on the small things that still make her hold on. The small things that count.

Jen slipped, though. Sometimes she forgets to make an effort, but Lisa tried to empathise. She’s almost always unavailable, or busy, or trying to fix a few things. Or when they talked, it started to feel strained if not empty. Just small updates to fill the void. Lisa knew she’s trying to tend to hospital issues, or liaising with her Uncle Myung on how to best resolve the situation. She tried not to push Jen for details anymore because Jen started to retort that most of her concerns were nothing Lisa could help out with anyway.

Of course, Lisa understood. She tried. She even tried getting her parents to check on Mrs. Kim, but even they couldn’t tell her anything she didn’t already know. If she could only stretch everything and maybe try to fly to Korea just to see everything for herself. To see Jen. To make her feel she’s still there. For her to feel Jen’s still there. Struggling, but still there.

It never felt like it got better. Half of her foot was invested in Rankin but the other half was in Korea and whatever development they could feed her. Jen’s starting to get more distant and she hated it, but she knows the girl has a way of taking things on her own.

She just wished Jen would involve her. She’s just there. Waiting.

Waiting for crumbs, waiting for anything at all that the girl could give.

Lisa tells herself, everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“Lisa, hi.”

Everything will be okay.

“Yeah, mum looks okay, but she’s not getting better. She’ll be starting her chemotherapy soon.”

Everything will be okay.

“I know. The doctors feel much more positive but they need to gauge how things are after the first few rounds and we can reconsider from there.”

Everything will be okay.

“She hasn’t been eating a lot but she tries.”

Everything will be okay.

“I don’t know.”

Everything will be okay.

“Well, it’s not like we can do more.”

Everything will be okay.

“Lisa, I told you, I don’t know, okay?“

Everything will be okay.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Everything will be okay.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. It’s just it’s been too busy since everything and my mum’s being stubborn.”

Everything will be okay.

“No, it’s fine. I spoke to the partners and they’re willing to give me an extension for one more month. But they said I could also work from the Seoul office when I’m ready. So…that’s good news.”

Everything will be okay.

“Yeah, I know. But until things get better I’m not sure I’ll be able to as well.”

Everything will be okay.

“No, I told you before I don’t know what their plans are.”

Everything will be okay.

“No.”

Everything will be okay.

“No - I don’t know, okay?”

Everything will be okay.

“Jesus Christ, Lisa I don’t have the time to think about it anymore. Why do you think I talked to them about an extension?”

Everything will be okay.

“Yeah.”

Everything will be okay.

“Lis.”

Everything will be okay.

“Lili.”

Everything will be okay.

“I need to tell you something.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I…think we need a break.”

Everything will be okay.

“It’s not that. But I need to focus on mum.”

Everything will be okay.

“No, I know you are. And I appreciate it—"

Everything will be okay.

“I don’t know. I just…I’m sorry.”

Everything will be okay.

“I know. I…just don’t think it would be fair.”

Everything will be okay.

“I won’t be able to give you so much time. And you need to focus on that internship. And I don’t want to stop you from anything.”

Everything will be okay.

“No, I’m not saying you’ll be going after other people. But…”

Everything will be okay.

“I need to focus on mum. And.”

Everything will be okay.

“It’s just that things are so complicated right now.”

Everything will be okay.

“And I can’t give you the attention you need.”

Everything will be okay.

“Listen, Lili, I just don’t want you to constantly wait for me. This is going to be a long battle and you need to focus on your work. I can’t have you waiting for me every day. We’re working on the time zone and--”

Everything will be okay.

“No, of course. But I just--”

Everything will be okay.

“Lili, please.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I just.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I’m sorry.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I just need to focus on this.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I know.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

“I’ll let you know how she goes.”

Everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay.

Everything.

“I’m sorry.”

Everything.

“I’m sorry.”

Okay. 


	22. // TATGILB: Chapter 19

**Late 2020, The week after the weeks after**

Lisa comes back to her internship full swing the next morning, even with just two hours of sleep.

And then again the next day.

And the next.

They told her they’re glad she’s more present now.

That’s good. It would have been a waste if she had to let go of the internship.

So she comes back again the next day.

And even on the weekend.

Like a robot. As mechanical as she could. As much as she could.

There wasn't any room for more mistakes.

There wasn't any room for thoughts.

There wasn't any room for any thoughts at all.

There wasn't any room for pain.

There wasn't any room for Jen Kim.

There wasn't any room for Lisa either.

Until that one day she had to rest, and her hands found her vodka stash, and Jisoo found her sprawled on the floor of her apartment, crying her eyes out. The oldest Korean checked on her because Lisa refused to answer her calls all day, and used the spare key she hid on the crack near her door. She didn’t waste any time cradling Lisa on her lap as she cried away into the night any remaining emotions she had.

And she realised how much she was hurting.

So, so much.

So fucking much.

But she missed her. The love of her life. The only home she’s ever known.

Was now the person who has left her in pain, alone.

_Again_.

_Why am I not enough?_ She asked Jisoo in between her sobs. It was midnight and her wails were echoing her empty apartment. The place was horribly empty, used only to sleep the past few weeks. There wasn't even proper food in the refrigerator, only boxes of Chinese take-outs that expired days ago. Most of the space was replaced by either alcohol or cans of Red Bull.

The space smelled of stale air and slight musty odour that affirmed Lisa’s lack of presence and attention to the apartment.

She hated being there. She hated that Jen’s smell started dissipating and was replaced by the smell of wood dressers. She hated that the bed felt stiff and unwelcome. She hated that her morning rituals which used to include Jen now changed to fit the 20 minutes she spends awake in the morning only to take a quick shower and leave the house.

She hated that the place felt like it became dispensable. Unwanted. Unneeded.

Just like her.

Just like her, who Jen leaves at will and comes back to only when she’s ready. Just like her, who wished she was the home Jen looked forward to coming home to, but was reduced to nothingness.

Home.

This used to be their home. She thought she was home.

Until the girl needed to ‘fly home’ to a place that didn’t include her and didn’t want to include her.

She cried. She cried and wailed and sobbed on Jisoo’s arms, wishing she could be as strong as she promised Jen and to stop crumbling. Wishing that she could find another way to stop the pain in her heart.

Because the only way she knew how to stop this pain was her.

So when she was finally left alone on the bed as Jisoo stayed on her couch, the few lucid moments she had she still tried to call the Korean on the other side of the world who never bothered to pick up.

After the 6th unanswered call, her barely conscious fingers sent this message: 

_I only need just a little bit of your heart._

_Just a little bit_

_Of your heart._

_That’s all I’m asking for._

**Sent 02:13 AM**

**_Read 04:28 AM_ **


	23. // TATGILB: The One Who Would Stay

* * *

#    
The One Who Would Stay.

* * *

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”

― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye

“Every story has four parts: the beginning, the middle, the almost-ending, and the true ending. Unfortunately, not everyone gets a true ending. Most people give up at the part of the story where things are the worst, when the situation feels hopeless, but that is where hope is needed most. Only those who persevere can find their true ending.”

― Stephanie Garber, Finale

“Uncomplicate it. Don’t make excuses. Some of life’s biggest heartaches come from missed opportunities and lame excuses. Don’t miss out on what could be the best chapter in your life because you’re too busy rereading the last one.”

― Kandi Steiner, Song Chaser

“Every person has the power to change their fate if they are brave enough to fight for what they desire more than anything.”

― Stephanie Garber, Caraval


	24. // TATGILB: Chapter 20

**2023**

She pushed her glasses up her nose bridge before she fixed her dark grey overcoat. She yanked her arm to pull her sleeves and looked at the time, then studied the area: she’s early by 15 minutes and Center 1 Tower’s only two buildings away.

She now kind of regretted not getting the coffee before her meeting, but she really wasn’t hoping to stay in a coffee shop with Juneau. She tolerated the guy as a lead project manager, but he could be a show-off whenever they’re alone and she just didn’t want to hear any more of his “ _prestigious projects in New York that you may have wanted to join if you worked with me then.”_

She understood. She’s the relatively new joiner from New York who’s got the Rankin internship under her belt and even managed to sneak in a project involving Leibovitz before she left the US. She’s one of the newer breeds of sought after up-and-coming portrait/fashion photographers in the US and after being offered to join a Creative Agency in Seoul, she’s been the talk of the town. Everyone’s either trying to impress or getting intimidated or both.

But sometimes she just wanted to finish the meetings in peace and that’s it.

She jerked her leather bag closer to her body to avoid hitting the pedestrians but the street was a little packed with people leaving Center 1 Tower, one of the busiest buildings in the finance district. Her eyes spot the main doors and she promptly tried to manoeuvre the rush of the bodies…and failed.

She hears an accented “Oh gosh, I’m sorry,” and as she didn’t want to be an ass and move ahead without doing anything, she shot back a quick “It’s okay, don’t worry ‘bout it,” before moving again towards the entrance.

“Lili?”

She stopped.

She held her breath and pressed her eyes shut.

She did not turn around. She really didn’t want to.

Actually, her heart, her body, her every being did want to.

But. She can’t possibly gamble her heart right now.

Not so soon.

Not when she hasn’t fortified her walls enough.

Christ. How small exactly was this huge ass city? Last she checked Euljiro in Seoul can be a district you can get lost in. How did she manage to get found so easily?

No. If she keeps her eyes closed, maybe she can will things away.

“Lili?” The voice followed up, softer and more unsure this time, contrasting the sharp surprise of the earlier tone.

She forced her eyes open and turned towards the source of the voice. Those brown eyes held her own quite steadily.

“You’re here,” Came a soft gasp as if still surprised she’s here in the flesh. Lisa responded with a stiff nod.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here? When did you fly back to Seoul?”

Her shoulder-length hair was now a much lighter brown with soft highlights of what seemed like ash blonde. She was wearing less makeup than Lisa remembered her wearing in New York, but still defined enough to command attention. Lisa’s gaze danced around her cheeks – those plump face curves she used to adore were now a lot more distinct and slightly chiselled, complementing her gaunt face. She seemed to wear a tight professional ensemble under a long slim-fitted coat that fit very well in the middle of the finance district.

Jennie Kim looked every bit a woman now.

Almost like a punch in the gut, she brashly let go of the breath she didn’t realise she’s still holding. She licked her lips nervously before offering a tight smile.

“I…uh,” _God, Lisa, you’re an adult, you can do this without stuttering._ “Hey.”

_Jesus Christ. What the fuck was that._

“I have a meeting here, actually.” Lisa quickly supplied. The blonde wished she wouldn’t pick through her vague answer.

She thankfully didn’t. “In my office?”

Lisa frowned. “You now work for Mirae?”

“Oh! You’re going to Mirae! No, I don’t work for them but they’re a few offices down ours. Just head over to the lobby there and they’ll guide you in.”

Lisa nodded, mouth dry.

She took a moment to look at Jen’s face. Her skin has gotten paler than she was last in New York. Her wispy hair teasing across her nose failed to cover the intensity of the brown in her eyes.

Could eyes get any sharper? It seems they have, even if they’re looking at Lisa right now with benign affliction; as if trying to bore through her thoughts. Or her feelings.

Her feelings.

She was thinking she would feel a lot of things. Anger. Disregard. Indifference. Maybe contempt. Displeasure. Fury.

Lisa spent years building her fortifications. Years trying to make sure she’d never falter. Years of telling herself that when the time comes, she’ll be able to look at her in the eye and tell her exactly what she felt.

The problem was, what she felt right there was _submission_.

She felt betrayed. She felt deserted by her own brain.

By her own heart.

And Lisa can’t have that.

She pushed herself to cut this despondence short. “Yeah, actually, I kind of need to run.”

“No, of course. You might get late,” Jen looked around a little, as if trying to sift through her own discomposure.

“Right. I gotta go—”

“Can I meet you? Again? Maybe dinner? Later?” Jen suddenly burst, trying to stop Lisa on her tracks. There were so many questions peppered on those sentences. Jennie Kim was not one to be unsure, usually. “Please? You didn’t tell me you were here at all. I—”

_Yeah, I missed you, too_ , Lisa answered in her mind when Jen dangled on her sentence. She’d be dead first though before she came up with those embarrassing words anytime soon.

“I…tonight is..”

“Coffee,” Jen quickly interrupted, obviously trying not to take no for an answer. “I can make time this afternoon.”

Lisa nodded. She couldn’t trust herself to speak anymore, lest her feelings betray her.

“I’ll message you,” Jen raised her hand to touch Lisa’s arm, maybe even angling for a hug but sort of decided against it, awkwardly sort of dangling her hand midway. Lisa, being awkward herself, offered her hand instead for a shake.

Lisa’s fingers wrap around her palm unsurely, but almost like muscle memory, they found her way around Jen’s hand like she has done for millions of times in the past. The warmth in between their palms was striking, almost hypnotising, the way they never wanted to break it.

“I’ll see you.”

Lisa let go of her hand first, trying to hide the shake in her nerves as she nodded at Jen’s last words. She then forced herself to turn around and walk towards the entrance.

But despite her best interests, the blonde sneaked a short glimpse back at the brunette, finding her still staring dejectedly at her advancing figure as if Jen was the one whose heart got broken.

Lisa’s brain soldiered on, but her heart was left there in the entrance of Center 1 Tower: yearning for more, yearning for an explanation she wasn’t even bothered to be given, yearning for anything at all the girl can give.

Just like before.

Christ, she was so fucked.


	25. // TATGILB: Chapter 21

Lisa clutched her unworn tweed jacket closer to her chest, the thickness rubbing on the grey cashmere long sleeves she changed into after her meeting. The cold in New York was so much tougher than what they have in Seoul, so she’s not even sure why she’s shivering inside the coffee shop.

Maybe it’s because she’s meeting a shadow of her life again for the first time in a long time.

She eyed the cheap dal.komm coffee in front of her. She can’t believe she’ll ever have a reunion in a second rate coffee shop in Seoul but Jen did say that this location just a few streets down Lisa’s offices was usually less packed than usual at 3pm.

It could be a blessing in disguise. She didn’t want to meet anywhere more intimate, at least not yet. A dal.komm gives you the feeling of a more casual how-are-you than maybe a hotel patisserie that goes straight into what-happened-to-us.

Her doe eyes find the Korean strolling in the café and towards her table. Now that she had the time to breathe, Lisa noticed that she’s wearing a white satin deep necked blouse tucked in a black skirt that’s wrapped with a heavy tweed black overcoat, paired with a similarly hued stilettos. She looked just like her New York days except perhaps there’s more certitude in her steps, owning the space.

The minute she slides into the lounge chair in front of Lisa, however, a certain demeanour slipped: a softer, more unsure, more familiar side of the Korean.

A side she used to reserve only for Lisa.

Lisa’s lips pressed into a thin line when the blonde realised that, after seeing Jen again, it seemed like it’s inevitable:

She wanted answers.

Her heart hurt, even after convincing herself for more than two years that shit just happens and she doesn’t need to hear Jen’s explanations anymore. The latter has apologised a lot in the past, and she numbly just said yes to help the Korean. Even in her pain, she refused to be selfish about giving Jen her peace. The girl needed it more than she did.

But for years, she replayed various scenarios in her head on how they would meet again. Nothing bad about preparing herself for the inevitable, after all. 

Often she thought it would be on her own time, her call. When she’s ready. They would meet again somewhere maybe over wine. She would be nonchalant, say she’s over it, she’ll be glad to remain friends. Maybe in some scenarios it even involves a one night stand, just for old times’ sake.

In all the scenarios, she was never shivering and almost scared. She was never anxious about repeating the past and getting her heartbroken again. She was never hesitant.

And yet she’s all those at the moment, hiding behind her stiff jaw, pressed lips and guarded eyes.

No one ever told her that unravelling behind her fortified walls can be this quick when the love of your life just did something as simple as _breathe_ in front of you.

“Thanks for the coffee,” Jennie started. When Lisa only nodded, she tried again. “How much time do you have?”

“I told them I’ll be running a few errands for the rest of the afternoon. I kind of needed to fix a few things in my new place anyway.”

“You have a new place? Here?”

Lisa nodded stiffly. Jennie’s eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“You’re moving back to Seoul for the long term?”

The blonde’s fingers fidgeted on her tweed jacket. She was trying to pace herself with the information.

“I…will be here often in the foreseeable future,” She started. The trail of her thoughts got distracted by the tip of Jen’s tongue nervously licking her lower lip.

It didn’t help that even in her uncertainty, the brunette still looked exquisite to the point that it ached, radiant in the afternoon sun through the glass windows beside them.

Lisa closed her eyes and swallowed, trying to structure her words.

“So…you’re moving back.” Jen offered when Lisa failed to continue. The latter nodded again.

“I will still be working on some projects in New York but I will be based here more often.”

“Is that good for you?” Jennie asked after a few seconds. “The travel?”

Lisa shrugged. She placed her coat on her lap and took a sip of coffee. Jen unconsciously copied her, although her cup lingered on the Korean’s pale hands longer as if trying to warm them.

_I guess I’m not the only one who’s nervous_ , Lisa thought, as she resumed fidgeting with the coat resting on her lap.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re here?”

The blonde’s restless fingers paused. It sounded like an accusation. Or a plea, she’s not sure about the tone.

“I just arrived last week,” Lisa responded defensively, although she knew damn well why she didn’t tell Jen.

“You should have messaged me. I could have picked you up at the airport.”

“I don’t need…” _You,_ she wanted to continue. She shifted her thoughts. “I know my way around. I’m fine.”

A beat. Maybe two.

“Would you have told me you were here at all if I didn’t bump into you today?”

Lisa paused and took a deep breath. The Korean still never beats around the bush when it comes to some things.

That’s exactly why she didn’t tell Jen.

She wanted to live in Seoul and avoid her if she could. But fuck the high heavens and the universe, right?

Lisa chewed on her lip as her narrowed eyes wrenched away from Jen and anchored on the streets visible from the windows. She didn’t know what to say at all that wouldn’t hurt the girl.

“How’s your mum?” Lisa asked tersely, eyes still fixed on the windows. She folded her arms defensively. Jen stared at her then sighed, unable to stop an eye-roll. _Really?_ She could practically hear Jen’s thoughts. _Really, you’re changing the topic?_

“It’s the same as the last update I gave you: she’s better. It’s been close to a year since remission and so far her tests are showing positive signs. The doctors are more confident she’ll be a poster girl for beating cancer.”

“That’s really good to know. At least that’s a huge load off your back.”

Jennie’s cat eyes rested on her face for a moment, sad and a little lacklustre. Lisa’s not used to seeing her eyes that way, but then a lot of things changed.

“Lis,” Jen tried, softly. “I wanted to apologise in person for everything. I know this isn’t the best time to do that and I was really hoping to talk to you over dinner to have a lot more time than over…coffee in a downtown corner coffee shop.”

“You already apologised before, that was enough.” 

Jen paused and ran her hand through her hair in frustration. “Lis, I wanted to let you know that I’m really, really sorry—”

“We don’t have to—"

“—I didn’t mean to hurt you, but everything was just too much and—”

“Stop, we can move on—"

“—I panicked. My mum was the only family I had and when she—”

“Stop telling me that! I was your family, too!” Lisa couldn’t help herself with a slight outburst. Her chest was starting to really hurt. “I kept telling you I wanted to be there for you. You didn’t let me!”

“Because I knew how much the internship meant to you! I didn’t want to ruin your life!”

_Well, congratulations, you kind of did._ Lisa wanted to retort but she bit her tongue.

“I couldn’t do that to you, Lis. I couldn’t focus on my mum knowing you’ll be giving up a good future just to help me.”

“She’s practically my mum, too!”

“She—” Jen nearly burst, then stopped herself. She looked down and fidgeted on her cup.

_Wait. What was that?_

“I panicked,” Jen responded softer. She’s blinking more now, trying to appease her slightly red eyes. Air sucked through her mouth in a mild panic.

_She’s not telling me something._

“A lot of things were happening. A lot of decisions I had to make. And I needed to make sure I was doing the right thing for everyone at the time. And I wish I knew how to deal with things better but she’s the only parent I have and she…”

_What was this about?_

Jen bit on her lip hard, tears brimming on her waterline.

They pass a few minutes in silence. Lisa managed a deep sigh, then reached out to her cup to play with it distractedly.

“Jen…I know there were a lot of reasons, but the fact is…you hurt me. You can’t fault me for wanting to avoid you.”

“I know,” She whispered. “I just miss you.”

A lone tear streaked Jen’s gaunt cheek. It took so much in Lisa to not reach out and wipe it with her thumb.

“And I want to make it up to you,” Jen murmured after a few tense minutes. “I WILL make it up to you. I never stopped loving you, Lisa. I will do everything for you to take me back again.”

Lisa flattened her jaw hard to prevent her lips from shaking.

“There’s nothing to take back. I told you before, we are still friends—”

“ _I DON’T WANT TO BE FRIENDS_ ,” Jen hissed. She then fixed herself after a few seconds. Being in a dal.komm righted you, Lisa supposed. “I want to make you feel how sorry I am for everything. I’ll prove myself to you. We fell apart but you never left my mind. And my heart. Ever.”

_And whose fault was it that we fell apart?_ Lisa wanted to scream at her, but she reminded herself they’re in a public coffee shop. This was a good idea, indeed.

“Nothing has to change,” Lisa tried again. “We remained friends after you left New York, remember? We still messaged each other. We can still do that.”

“Friends my ass. You wouldn’t even tell me you were already—”

“YOU DIDN’T DESERVE IT!” Lisa was almost livid. “And I have a right to protect myself from you!”

They both paused, eyeing each other: Jen’s cautious and Lisa’s antagonizing. The blonde’s breathing was rapid, almost as if preparing herself for more outrage. Indignation was obvious in the soft blush creeping on her neck.

After a while, Jen’s gaze faltered.

“And you do. I know. I’m sorry, Lis.” Jen’s trembling now as she reached out for Lisa’s arms, but the latter pulled back in anger and folded them defiantly in front of her chest.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m sorry for being weak,” Jen’s voice was starting to break. “I’m sorry for getting terrified. And I’m so, so sorry for hurting you. Please believe me, I really didn’t mean to. But I didn’t want to have to choose and it was increasingly getting to my sanity. I could have lost my mother—”

“And I kept telling you, you didn’t have to choose. I was never asking you to choose. We could have done it together, side by side. You didn’t have to face things alone!”

“I know,” Jen repeated, her tone desperate. “But I felt like I had to do what’s right for you. If things went south, I wouldn’t forgive myself for ruining your future, too.”

The air was hitching on Lisa’s teeth as she sucked air through her mouth. Her chest tightened, heavy from all the emotions, the frustration – and yet, she still couldn’t bring herself to really hate Jen. She’s hurt but she still couldn’t shut out the person who’s bringing her pain.

And Lisa sat there on the other end of the table with that heavy admission that…she knew she lost again to Jen.

But while she can, she will try her hardest not to show that.

“I’m so sorry, Lili,” The pet name lingered in Lisa's heart longer than it should have. “I know I can’t take things back, but I really want to set things right. I’ll wait for you to find it in your heart to forgive me, and maybe even love me again.”

“I forgive you,” Lisa whispered after a few silent minutes. It was more of a surrender and less of a wall. “But I’m not sure I can love you that way again.”

“I’ll take anything you can give.” The Korean’s arm reached tentatively towards Lisa’s own. Heat followed as Jen softly rubbed her hands on the blonde’s cashmere wrapped arm when Lisa didn’t flinch, and the latter felt her heart trying to break away from her chest as she both remembered and loathed how much she missed her ex-lover’s touch.

“Please take me back,” Jen met her gaze, pleading, and this time Lisa didn’t pull back. “Let me love you as much as I can. Please.”

And it took so much of Lisa to try not to break down in front of Jen as she heard the very words she hoped to never hear from the love of her life if only to save her sanity.


	26. // TATGILB: Chapter 22

**2023, 2 months after**

Saying no was harder than Lisa thought.

Especially if a part of her really just wanted to get chased after, which was pretty much against her self-preservation agenda.

But Jennie had been INSISTENT. The caps on the word wouldn’t do her justice.

She would message Lisa in the morning, just after the Korean woke up. She would message her at random times throughout the day. Sometimes she’ll be conveniently around her office and would ask if she’s available for coffee.

Often Lisa would say no, but it doesn’t deter her. So she finally stopped completely fighting it and let the girl in a little. 

At first, it was 15-minute caffeine breaks.

And then it became 30-minute chats. Sometimes they would even share pastries in the afternoon.

Never too close and personal, though. Lisa always kept her distance. 

Sometimes, physically. Mostly, however, she kept her distance with anything about Jen that she couldn't allow her heart yet to hear. 

So instead, Jen tried to ask Lisa to dinner.

They started with wines or whiskey to pass the rush hours, and never more than one glass. And then Jen would insist on small bites, but Lisa made sure they were few and far in between. On the nights the blonde would decline, Jennie would have dinner sent over to her place instead.

Lisa never had the heart to say she doesn’t really eat dinners anymore; not after Jen left her in New York, anyway. Sometimes she would send Lisa some pesto pasta with fresh Thai basil, but Lisa never touched them and chucked them immediately towards the bin.

She thought somehow Jennie knew. She never commented whenever the girl would ask about it after, but it never stopped the brunette from trying to win her.

So, the next time, Jen showed up instead.

“I had another batch of pesto pasta cooked so I thought I’d bring it to you,” A paper bag was shoved on her face. Jen’s gummy smile took over the Korean’s face like a ticket to Lisa’s door.

She flinched. It was 9 am on a Saturday and by Lisa’s standards, a little too early. And definitely too early for Jennie’s gummy smiles just when her defences were down.

So she did what anyone with any semblance of self-preservation had.

She shut the door.

“The fuck, Lisa!”

If the girl’s shoe didn’t make its way in, she would have locked that door and left it closed. Her eyes rolled as she left the door as is and didn’t bother ushering the girl in. The latter would find her way in soon enough anyway and she didn’t have the energy to fight her off.

“Pesto pasta for breakfast is a tad bit ambitious, isn’t it?”

She trudged towards her kitchen in her cami-bralette and skimpy yoga boy shorts, pretending to act unbothered to the fact that she may have seen Jennie checking her out at the corner of her eye. She lost more weight since they last saw each other in New York, so she was quite aware of how her boyleg was wrapping around her curves well.

She pulled the coffee beans from the top counter, stretching up and angling her ass a little. Let Jennie know what she’s missing.

She may still be disappointed at Jennie but that doesn’t mean she can’t play. 

Lisa’s eyebrow cocked up when she turned, a small smirk on her mouth as she caught the girl staring at her body.

The Korean cleared her throat and gingerly placed the paper bag on her table, flustered. Lisa prepared the coffeemaker and turned to lean on the kitchen slab as she watched the Korean unearth a half-loaf of uncut bread.

“I got us this sourdough bread from a nearby farmer’s market,” Jen’s voice was a little shaky, obviously embarrassed. “I thought it might go well with this cream cheese I got for you.”

Lisa’s eyebrows crinkled at the words ‘farmer’s market.’ A question almost formed in her head but she got distracted with the view of Jen inspecting the paper bag. The girl may have tried looking like a random girl at the farmer’s market with her outfit choice today, but her fitted v-neck white shirt that hugged her breasts and curves in the right places while tucked inside a tweed mini skirt just made Lisa feel…a tad bit uncomfortable.

And she thought she was winning this seduction match.

Jen pulled out a small tub of cream cheese, fresh strawberries, and…a tub of condensed milk.

Of course. Why did Lisa even think to ask?

“Glad to see you got yourself some strawberries and condensed milk.”

“Of course,” Jen beamed, oblivious of the thoughts running through Lisa’s head. She poured some sticky cream on a huge ripe strawberry before humming into a mouth-watering bite. “Some things don’t change.”

The scowl on her face grew. She didn’t want to be reminded of the girl’s unconscious noises and what they bring to her.

Especially not when they’re in an enclosed private space, with her bedroom just a few feet away.

She suddenly realised how dangerous this situation is.

This was exactly why she needed the distance. She can’t trust herself to not do stupid things.

“What are you doing here?” Lisa loudly sighed.

Jen indicated at the pasta as if it weren’t obvious.

“You could have just had them delivered.”

“And not see your grouchy face in the morning? Gasp!” Jen’s hand on her chest mocking her made her more irritable.

“I’m only grouchy to unexpected visitors who bring pasta for breakfast.”

Jen rolled her eyes and tore a small part of the sourdough before offering it to Lisa’s mouth.

“Say ‘Aaah.’ Maybe if you had some bread you won’t be grumpy.”

Lisa just glanced at the outstretched hand in front of her and shook her head as she frowned harder, trying to mask the uncomfortable feeling of having Jen’s fingers close to her face.

It was getting harder to dissent. The first few weeks since they met in Korea, whenever the girl tried to reach out she would lash out. She would pretend they’re okay as friends from a distance, much like their relationship after the breakup.

It was sterile, it was careful, it was polite.

Clearly, the girl refused to follow the memo, even if Lisa said she doesn’t want to be won over.

(Though of course, Lisa silently feels otherwise)

And they go through this act where the brunette tries hard to pretend she never hurt Lisa and the blonde tries hard to pretend she’s not liking the girl’s attention and affections.

A part of her missed it, that much she’ll agree. But every time she would let the girl in, a wave of anxiety hits her, and it’s almost like she’s waiting for the girl to hurt her again.

So when Jennie slipped into the old Jen like this and she’s reminded of their soft days in New York, she stubbornly reminded herself that this was just a façade and Jen WILL hurt her again.

Because Lisa never was worth it, to begin with.

Lisa stood up and headed towards the coffee maker. She plucked two cups and filled one with freshly brewed coffee.

“How do you want your coffee?”

“Black, please.”

She poured the remaining brew on the other cup and brought them to the table. They sipped on their coffee in silence.

“Your kitchen looks nice.”

“It came with the unit when I bought it,” The blonde shrugged.

“Oh. It’s…a permanent move here, huh?”

Lisa shifted on her chair. Her next words were dry.

“I love New York but it’s not home for me anymore.”

“Why not? You seemed to be on-demand there when you told me about it before.”

“I just didn’t think it was for me.” _I can’t go anywhere without the place reminding me of you._

“I thought the fast pace would have been perfect for you.”

“Well, clearly, some things change.” _It was perfect for us but you left me._

Jennie bit on her lip, and Lisa could see another apology being mulled over. The former’s starting to get over it now--the not having to apologise on the daily. She knew Jen’s trying to stop herself from apologising again.

“Korea’s not that bad,” Lisa drew in a deep breath. “The scene’s always creative anyway. And I get random deliveries of pasta, so there’s that.”

Jen’s eyes were appreciative of her words. Lisa was already feeling stifled with the tension, and if the brunette intends to stay longer, might as well make this morning bearable anyway.

“Well. Now that you showed you can be nice sometimes, maybe I’ll bring more in person.”

Jen winked, and Lisa felt a little weak at the knees.

“I don’t eat breakfast.” It was a soft deflection.

Jen stood up and stepped into her kitchen area, poking through the cabinets before fishing out a bread knife. “You used to hoard bagels from that polish bakery in New York. ‘Don’t eat breakfast’ my ass.”

“I told you, some things change.”

Jen snorted then stood beside her, the heat of her body radiating through Lisa’s skin. The girl still wore the usual Chanel perfume she often used then, and Lisa could pick out the musk of Jen’s scent along with a slight sweat from this morning’s walk. The familiarity of this closeness was reminding her of so much, so soon. Lisa could feel a creeping blush on her neck.

Jen cut a slice of the sourdough and placed it on top of the pasta container before pushing it closer to the blonde.

“Just for today, please? I promise not to bring you breakfast next time.”

Her eyebrows knitted. Is that a promise to return? Lisa tried to calm her heart. Jen only cut a fucking sourdough beside her and now she’s a melting mess. God, you’d think 3 years of distance would stop her from feeling things.

She’s supposed to be angry. Angry!

She grunted as she opened the container of the pesto pasta, stubbornly avoiding the bread from the farmer’s market. She’d do anything to distract herself right now.

The moment the scent wafted in the air, however, Lisa regretted it.

“Try it,” Jen egged on as she sat back on her seat. She grabbed a piece of strawberry and placed condensed milk on it before her mouth devoured it, a move now seemingly much more sensual than before.

Lisa shook her head. Christ, what’s wrong with her.

“Just try a bite, Lis,” Jen softly pleaded. She must have seen her head shake and thought differently. “ I’m sure you missed it.” 

If that remark was any indication that she knew Lisa’s been throwing away her deliveries, Lisa didn’t acknowledge. She took the plastic fork that sat beside the container and imprudently stabbed her fork at the pasta and chucked a bite unto her mouth.

To say that she melted unto the taste was an understatement.

Of course, she only allowed herself a small pout before nodding a little at Jen, wordlessly savouring the old flavours of home while battling with the transgressions of her thoughts.

“I told you,” Jen radiated while her brooding face chewed on the pasta in her mouth. “Some things don’t change.”

Lisa shook her head. Some things don’t change, alright.


	27. // TATGILB: Chapter 23

**2023 2.5 months after**

There were multiple people in between.

The first one was a guy who couldn’t seem to get himself to care about his conquests. Slightly burly guy, talked incessantly about the pretty girls he slept with and how this new club was awesome. Lisa rubbed his dick outside his jeans as he grabbed her hair, and then he tried desperately to make the sex seem explosive.

He came a few minutes after he rolled his condom. He even had the audacity to ask her later on if she came and if she enjoyed the sex.

She did not.

The next one was a soft guy who was worried about making sure she enjoyed the whole experience. He was a bespectacled mid-20s, lean bodied, with soft wispy long brown hair. His shoulders didn’t hunch but he had a tentativeness to him, despite being a manager for a tech company. Lisa can’t remember if he was Italian or French. He wasn’t a particularly remarkable lover, although he was very sensitive. He’s fine.

But he just didn’t fit what Lisa needed. He thankfully didn’t push further when she said stop, and he didn’t ask to be jacked off instead to fix his needs.

Lisa set him up with a friend named Laurie and they seem to have hit it off. She’d rather have her friends around respectful men.

Then she finally tried dating girls. She remembered this other girl who kept trying to tie her up to her bed. Lisa’s bed didn’t really have poles and she didn’t know how else she could be tied, but the girl managed to do what she wanted. Lisa got excited for 10 minutes and then promptly got bored after.

Those were mostly the ones she remembered on the top of her head. It’s not that they were bad lovers. Well, some of them were. Not everyone, sure.

Lisa remembered there was this girl who was adequate. She reminded her a little of Jennie: her and her gummy smile, much like this girl’s. She also had a penchant for Chanel shirts and the same palette as Jennie’s tastes.

She can’t remember her name, but she remembered the girl kept referring to herself as a bunny because of her teeth. She was also a ball of energy and it tired Lisa, just trying to keep up with her stories.

She never really had the patience for anyone else’s stories.

Not anymore, nowadays. Not when everyone’s just a substitute.

Lisa didn’t call her after. She reminded her a little too much of what Lisa’s trying to remember in those touches, in those kisses when she closed her eyes. She was explicit in what she needed: she didn’t want a replacement. She just wanted to remember for a bit and forget the next day. 

Some folks she never even bothered to get their names. Actually, come to think of it, she never really bothered for their names. They’re the ones who offered it.

She never asked.

It saved her from having to forget their names anyway.

\--

This new girl came with a set of flaws. A little clingy, this one. They met in a gay bar in Itaewon where the girl kept buying her drinks as if Lisa’s not seeing through her plans. What the girl didn’t realise was that Lisa has built up quite a tolerance with her alcohol, and a few vodka shots do not faze her anymore.

She kept wiggling herself inside Lisa’s legs in the bar, desperate to get the attention of the best looking available girl in the club. She was too drunk to see the blankness in Lisa’s stare, but everyone sees whatever they want when they want to get laid.

Lisa can’t remember her name either, but she remembers it vaguely because it’s a little close to her name: Li-something. Is it Lina? Lia? A round-faced, cat-eyed beauty, with her long, dark hair and pseudo-innocence to boot. A little less than an inch to Lisa’s height, which the girl kept using to her advantage. Too soft for Lisa’s liking, but it’s not like they’ll have anything permanent.

God knows what permanence means nowadays anyway.

And she tried. She really did. Her New York girls were nothing compared to Seoul’s girls, with their affinity for frailness and apprehensiveness to really take charge. She liked the women a little feisty and not crumbling under her stare when they’re left to their own privacy. She liked them staring at her with sharp cat eyes who commanded the room as they brushed their slender fingers through their dark brown hair. She liked them with fabricated touches and replaceable faces.

She never liked them like this girl, despite ticking all her physical checklists, whining as she cornered Lisa on her condominium’s door, to kiss her more and to take her and to stop getting bothered by the sound of her phone.

_Ding._

They kissed more; the smaller girl a lot desperately, while Lisa resigned to the fact that this night was not gonna get better.

_Ding_.

_Ding._

_Ding_. 

“Please ignore that,” The girl groaned in between kisses. And Lisa was going to if it didn’t alert for another time.

_Ding._

“For fuck’s sake,” Lisa found herself hissing. The girl grabbed her collar and pulled her towards her lips, trying to salvage what’s left. Lisa’s already distracted.

“Let me just look at this. It might be urgent.”

“Okay, but come back to me,” The girl childishly retorted as she started kissing Lisa’s neck, her shoulders, her collar bone. Lisa distractedly pulled her phone from her pocket and took one look at her screen.

It took just one look.

One.

“Fuck.”

“What?” The girl asked, voice a little hostile, impatience getting the best of her. Someone important could have been maimed on the highway but this girl would still try to get laid before Lisa could even dare leave – she’s THAT impatient.

“I can’t do this. I have to do something.” Lisa responded distractedly. She’s refusing to even look at the girl now, a slight sneer on Lisa’s face. She’s almost…disgusted? But the girl refused to be denied, her right hand wriggling inside Lisa’s jeans as a last resort.

“Let me just—”

“Stop.” Lisa’s long fingers were tight on the girl’s wrist as the latter’s eyes widened in a slight panic. She flinched as soon as she saw Lisa’s stern face, jaw grinding in throttled anger. “I don’t like fucking with desperate girls. Leave.”

Lisa didn’t bother looking at her when she circled around and slammed the door closed.

Lisa also didn’t bother with her makeup as her hands flew to her face, rubbing them hard in frustration.

She took a deep breath. And another.

It didn’t help.

She dragged her feet towards her chiller and carelessly threw her phone on the counter before she pulled out a week-old Shiraz. She grabbed a glass and poured herself a tall portion, before leaving the bottle cork-less on the kitchen counter.

She took a huge gulp of the stale wine before she propped her arms on the counter, willing herself to breathe, willing her looming headache to go away.

It won’t.

She stared at her phone’s blank screen, lips tight and jaws set. She sighed.

She grabbed the glass by its bowl while the other hand snatched her phone, fingers pressing on a button to wake the device from sleep to view the messages.

She sighed again frustratingly. No use delaying the inevitable.

_So I was at mum’s place this afternoon_

_and found this in my scrapbook:_

****

**_Nini – Received 10:45 pm_ **

****

****

_< picture attached>_

****

**_Nini – Received 10:45 pm_ **

****

****

****

_I think I miss black-haired Lalice._

****

**_Nini – Received 10:46 pm_ **

****

****

****

_< laugh emoticon>_

****

**_Nini – Received 10:46 pm_ **

****

_You were so tiny looking when we were kids,_

_I could have kept you in my pocket._

**_Nini – Received 10:48 pm_ **

Somewhere in between reading the messages, Lisa found herself slumped on the kitchen floor with her wine glass beside her. She just looked at her phone.

Tired. She’s so, so tired.

She took another sip of the wine as she still stared at her messages.

Tired.

She closed her eyes and hit the back of her head on the kitchen shelves she’s propped her back on. And another. And another. She began to think maybe doing that will alleviate the headache, but she knew better.

Nothing really alleviates the headache. Or the heartache.

Except maybe for her.

_Says the girl who’s 2 inches shorter than me._

**_Sent 11:10 pm_ **

Her head’s humming softly now, a little numb from all the noise inside her head. They never go, those taunts inside her mind. She has learned to live with it the past few years but every once in a while they come back again, especially nowadays when the nights in her Seoul apartment were significantly more quiet than their apartment in New York.

Their.

She rubbed her temple again as another thought jolted through her head. They all sound the same: convoluted versions of her voice which used to stoke small fires that are now fully driving a forest fire across her head and heart.

_You really should have let go of that apartment, Lis._

_You’re just hanging on to memories that probably just looked better in your head than hers._

_You were just a convenient lover. Just someone available around her._

_Are you out tonight?_

**_Nini – Received 11:13 pm_ **

She took another sip of the wine, letting the alcohol simmer on her mouth while she mulled whether she’d tell the full truth.

_No._

**_Sent 11:15 pm_ **

_Look at you hanging on to everything she gives. She says I love you that one time and now you can’t let go of an expensive apartment just because it still had Jen’s memories in them. Now you’re still trying not to hurt her._

_Go ahead, tell her about the girl you were just trying to fuck but she unwittingly crashed in._

Can I stay with you tonight?

We can watch something on Amazon Prime.

Found a series I thought you’d like.

**_Nini – Received 11:20 pm_ **

_She just never loved you the same, and look at your pathetic ass wanting to run back to her at the slightest hint of interest._

_She’ll leave you again, Lisa._

_You are dispensable._

_You never were that important enough, or have you forgotten your whole history?_

_Stop_ , Lisa whispered loudly to the void. Years of this crippling doubt has hardened her, has changed who she thought she was. But not enough coping has helped her out of her head.

_She always chooses herself. She was barely brave enough to fight for you, and when you thought she finally was, she left you when things got tough._

_Why are you thinking this new Jennie Kim would be any different?_

_She’ll break your heart, too, just like her other younger versions._

_She’ll break you, again._

_And again._

_And again._

_And--_

_I kind of need to be by myself tonight._

**_Sent 11:42 pm_ **

Another sip. And another. And another.

Soon her glass was empty and so was she.

But at least her head got a little quieter now. She noticed it happens when they think she has done something to preserve herself.

She snorted. Self-preservation, her ass. If she wanted to really preserve herself she should have just shipped her ass to Timbuktu where no one would ever find her, and not in Seoul where—

I understand. I know you need your time.

**_Nini – Received 11:53 pm_ **

I’m just here. Whenever you’re ready.

**_Nini – Received 11:53 pm_ **

I left a box of cake and wine in front of your door.

Something for tonight. I wasn’t sure if you had

dinner but cake and wine at midnight

is always a good idea 

**_Nini – Received 11:54 pm_ **

I’ll always be thinking of you. Goodnight.

**_Nini – Received 11:55 pm_ **

Lisa’s brows creased. Was she that out of it she didn’t hear anything coming from her front door?

She pulled herself up, leaving the glass on the floor. She’d be in that position back soon, anyway.

And just like Jennie said, a small brown box from a familiar patisserie and a bottle of expensive Shiraz sat in front of her door, a strange sight in an empty corridor. She knew Jennie must have already left, but she couldn’t help herself as she looked around the hall. She may have pushed the girl away but a part of her hoped she was still there.

She sighed heavily. 

As she picked up the food, she trudged back to the kitchen towards nagging truth she knew the answer to as far as self-preservation was concerned:

Yeah, she could have gone to Timbuktu, but then she still went back to Seoul where she could easily be found.

She gingerly opened the pastry box and found a small red velvet cake infused with light chocolate frosting.

The brunette still remembers how she likes her cakes.

She stared at it for a few minutes, and while a part of her was itching to throw it away, a part of her decided to just mess up the pretty cake with her finger, swiping in the middle and putting it on her tongue, swirling through the decadent mix of less sweetened chocolate, scrumptious flavours of cream cheese and crumbly red moist cake.

She paused a little, her eyes unfixed in front of her, trying to stop the memories to flood her emotions and see if she can enjoy the pastry without having to break down.

But it’s hard when it’s days like these and she’s just yearning for a touch she dreamed of for it to be real without pain.

She stared at the cake, but somehow, she found a piece of herself. Messy, possibly toyed with, but there. Still trying to hold itself together.

She supposes she did want to be found.

Especially in those moments when she’s trying to hide inside her mind.

But whether she’s ready to come out of it was another question altogether.


	28. // TATGILB: Chapter 24

**2023, 3 months after**

**9:08 PM**

_You are gonna be in DEEP trouble_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 9:08 pm_ **

_Massive._

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 9:08 pm_ **

_It’s just a club_

**_Sent 9:09 pm_ **

_Can I join to just watch you break down?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 9:10 pm_ **

_Fuck you._

**_Sent 9:11 pm_ **

_Ahahaha no, that would be you._

_You’re gonna be so fucked in the head._

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 9:13 pm_ **

_Which bar again?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 9:14 pm_ **

_Shut up._

**_Sent 9:15 pm_ **

**10:28 PM**

_So, I’ll just see you at the club right?_

**_Nini – Received 10:28 pm_ **

_Where is it again, Nonhyeon-dong?_

**_Nini – Received 10:29 pm_ **

_Yep_

**_Sent 10:35 pm_ **

_Alright. Let me know if it gets too loud,_

_we can move to a different bar._

**_Nini – Received 10:37 pm_ **

_No, loud is good_

**_Sent 10:40 pm_ **

**11:15 PM**

_I just arrived._

**_Nini – Received 11:15 pm_ **

_I’m near the bar._

**_Nini – Received 11:15 pm_ **

_I’m wearing a low-cut back slim fit black midi._

**_Nini – Received 11:16 pm_ **

_I know how you look like_

**_Sent 11:19 pm_ **

_I’m just saying so you’d easily find me._

**_Nini – Received 11:19 pm_ **

_Okay, I’m at the entrance. Give me 2 mins_

**_Sent 11:23 pm_ **

_Found you._

**_Sent 11:34 pm_ **

**12:25 AM**

_I think you’re still at the toilets but I’m grabbing_

_another vodka tonic, do you want another_

salted old fashioned?

**_Nini – Received 12:25 am_ **

Nah, that’s already my 2nd bourbon.

Can you get me a beer?

**_Sent 12:27 am_ **

IPA?

**_Nini – Received 12:28 am_ **

Yep or just any lager is fine

**_Sent 12:30 am_ **

**12:48 AM**

_You still good?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:48 am_ **

_You breaking down yet?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:49 am_ **

_Fuck off_

**_Sent 12:50 am_ **

_You in love yet?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:51 am_ **

****

_I told her to wear that dress_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:52 am_ **

_Fuck. You._

**_Sent 12:53 am_ **

_So, I’m right? You’re either_

_breaking down now or falling in love again?_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:54 am_ **

_I guess not since you’re on your phone_

_instead of making out with her on the dance floor_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:54 am_ **

_Like you even stood a chance_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:55 am_ **

_Hahahahahahaha whipped_

**_Jisoo Kim [Korea Number] – Received 12:55 am_ **

**01:23 AM**

Lis? What happened?

**_Nini – Received 01:23 am_ **

Lis answer my call

**_Nini – Received 01:25 am_ **

**01:52 AM**

Lis please open the door

**_Nini – Received 01:52 am_ **

I’m here

**_Nini – Received 01:52 am_ **

open the door

**_Nini – Received 01:53 am_ **

Lis

**_Nini – Received 01:54 am_ **

Lis open the goddamn door

**_Nini – Received 01:54 am_ **


	29. // TATGILB: Chapter 25

Jennie shouldn’t have shown up.

It was 2:00 in the morning when Lisa pushed her forehead away from the door and made the mistake of twisting that last lock on her door. That last lock that served as her last wall of defence for the night.

She should have just left Lisa alone. Chalked it up to maybe one drink too many. Lisa could very well claim she was drunk and not admit to remembering anything else that night. 

\--

Like how Lisa would **_never_** admit that the haze in her head started the moment she found the girl, her pale back calling to her from the bar in that black, low-cut back dress that put to shame everyone’s little black dress in that bar. How she stopped her fingers from tracing the familiar creamy skin her mouth has kissed and her nails have scratched on countless times in throes of passion.

That the loud sound of the bass was no match to the beat of her heart when Jen looked towards her, seemingly in slow motion, then smiled radiantly. The same smile that always made her heart ache a little with her beauty. The same smile she delighted in, knowing that she makes them extra sunny when they’re on dates, almost as if that’s her way of announcing to everyone who she belongs to.

_Dates_.

Lisa felt a sinking feeling in her stomach, realising exactly how stupid she was from the beginning. She shouldn’t have agreed to Jennie’s invitation of ‘ _it’s just_ a _night out, Lisa. It’s not a date if you don’t want it to be._ ’ She should have taken Jisoo’s taunts more seriously.

She thought tonight she’d be fine. She had kept the girl at arm’s length throughout their coffee meetings or dinners and drinks and thought loud bars would stop her from thinking anyway. It’s just another Saturday night in a packed bar and an opportunity to drink, she told herself. She can manage Jennie alright.

But this night has quickly become an avalanche of unwelcome memories the Thai’s not sure how to deal with. From how Jennie softly grabbed Lisa’s arm to steady herself, her fingers braver and no longer as tentative as before; palm leaving a searing heat through her skin like a branding. To how Jennie ordered the drinks the blonde liked in New York: replacing sugar with salted caramel instead in her bourbon, then lightly pressing her lip on the edge of the glass to let in just a little bit of taste to make sure the bartender got the blend right.

She even left her lipstick there for a good measure, like she always did. Lisa used to adore it, drinking at the same side of the glass and getting intoxicated by the taste of both the alcohol and the girl.

Tonight, Lisa smudged it instead with her thumb as she imagined running them roughly across the girl’s luscious red lips.

Just like she has thought about doing incessantly since she saw Jennie at this club.

\--

Lisa would also **_never_** admit that the haze in her head disappeared the moment the Korean started leisurely edging towards the dance floor after they finally had too many drinks and too many stolen glances between them.

She silently approved of their corner where Jennie hovered around the tall girl teasingly as they dodged the packed crowd. The Korean would shift to the beat shyly beside the Thai while Lisa stood there, carefully taking in how the soft skin of the girl’s shoulders would sometimes graze against hers. Or how her bergamot shampoo overpowered her senses despite its mild scent. Or how sometimes she would move back a little and the girl naturally gravitated towards her and the soft curve of her hip taunted Lisa’s thigh a little, leaving a tingly craving from her skin.

Close, but never too close.

Familiar and aching, with both her longing and resentment.

But the Korean pushed boundaries further as she took the last sip on her alcohol and moved gracefully towards the dancing crowd in this certain saunter Lisa missed, leaving her with this burning look only her cat-like eyes could muster. Lisa’s jaw tightened as she watched Jennie’s hips sway sensually – a little too sinfully, in fact – to a goddamn fast beat. The blonde had absolutely no idea how it worked, it just did.

And how she goddamned worked it.

Gone was the playfulness of Jennie’s youth. In place was a woman out to seduce, with every bit of her tight dress emphasizing the way her curves moved to the beat. Lisa stood there, half mesmerised, trying to find reason within herself to not pounce at this woman she supposedly disdained.

She was taunted by sensations she refused to admit.

Lisa wouldn’t admit it as she placed her half-empty alcohol on the nearest table, never minding it was taken. She wouldn’t admit it as she started stepping on to the dance floor, half-lidded doe-eyes transfixed on Jennie’s frame; the latter’s chest puffed out as she danced and cat-eyes ensured she’s captured.

Lisa wouldn’t admit it as she slid behind the girl and her hips rubbed very, very slightly on Lisa’s crotch. When she seemed to find approval in Lisa’s glazed eyes, she pushed them further, sensually, tauntingly, until Lisa couldn’t take it anymore and placed her hands on Jennie’s hips and allowed her to come close, her back and her head leaning on Lisa’s chest. 

The blonde’s heart rapidly thrashed and tried to get itself out of its ribcage as Jen’s eyelashes flitted across her jaw before she nestled her nose on the crook of her neck, letting themselves drown in mismatched beats in the middle of Gangnam.

Only then would she admit it to herself when she was finally consumed and was hanging by a thread with her sanity:

_Want._

_Need._

_Desire._

She felt _greedy_ for Jennie Kim.

She wanted every single bit of her the girl could give and even those she couldn’t.

Every single bit she was deprived of for the last three years.

The same nagging feeling she’s been harbouring for the last...seventeen years.

A heady rush from her emotions made its way to her senses. She was way too absorbed from the older girl’s curves grinding on her own thinly dressed body that served as a perfect match to blaze a forest fire. 

Her hand moved with a purpose, from the hip to her midsection pulling Jennie tighter; the other palm slowly trailing up the girl’s body and stopping on her chest, a thumb softly teasing on the curve of Jennie’s breast. Her lips just hovering on Jennie’s exposed shoulders, close enough but never touching, just the warmth of her breath building a desire in the Korean that’s already too late to put out.

Jennie angled her face upwards, unconsciously following Lisa’s heavy breaths, dark eyes hooded as she stared longingly at the Thai’s mouth. She licked her lips and let them hang slightly with anticipation.

And Lisa’s heart betrayed her as it throbbed thinking of wanting to close that gap, wanting to give in.

Instead, she smudged her thumb firmly across Jennie’s wet red lips. 

The same rough way she smudged Jen’s lipstick off her glass, desperate to feel the girl’s lips just one more time, sans the ache.

She felt the girl’s gasp vibrate on her thumb just as air caught between the blonde’s teeth as she drew a harsh breath. 

She held her cat-eye’s dark stare, tauntingly. It was her last straw of defiance.

But the Korean accepted her transgression and _licked_ her thumb that had lingered, lashes accentuating the dark gaze latching on to her own, before lightly nipping it and sucking it sensuously.

And everything became clear and hazy at the same time.

\--

It was 1:15am and the club was at its peak with everyone already drunk from alcohol.

But Jennie and Lisa were drunk on each other.

And nobody could see how Lisa had broken her walls momentarily.

And nobody could see how Jen ached for this moment again.

And everybody was lost in their own business.

So no one minded when the Thai suddenly pulled the girl out of the dance floor and pushed her to a nearby post that’s dark enough to keep them somewhat hidden.

And no one cared when Lisa dropped her guard and in the heat of the moment grabbed Jen’s jaw while the other hand grabbed the girl’s ass, pulling her throbbing sex closer to Lisa’s demanding thighs. Jen surrendered, wanting more and ready to give more, as Lisa harshly wrapped her mouth against hers, hungry and grovelling.

A loud moan drowned on Jen’s lips, one arm wrapped on Lisa’s head to pull her closer; the other arm locking the Thai’s commanding body in. Lisa’s tongue was demanding as she took and Jen felt surprised in the feeling of this new, aggressive Lisa that for a second she hesitated, letting herself get used to this newness.

A second that she shouldn’t have given them. And that was her mistake.

A second that allowed Lisa to breathe…and think.

_Stop_. 

_It’s too heavy and too fast._

_She wanted this to happen._

_You can’t let her win._

Lisa tugged but Jennie whined and clamped harder, demanding for more as she possessively bit on her lower lip. Lisa pulled away with a fierce jerk, sharp breaths, and eyes intense, as she looked at Jen with a mixture of lust and contempt. Jen’s chest heaved equally, her lips pursed and raw from kissing. 

They stared at each other, gauging which feelings to overpower them. 

Lisa let her resentment win.

She closed her eyes before shaking her head hard. 

“Lis, please,” Jen’s hands were cupped on her face now. “I want you.”

It took so much for Lisa to not lean into that touch. Her longing came in turbulent waves that drowned her hard.

Using her last sliver of sanity, she angrily pulled Jen’s wrist all the way towards the exit. Refusing to look at her, refusing to hear her cries of _Lisa, wait, stop, where are we going,_ refusing to drown.

She went straight to the cab stands and placed Jennie in one, then recited the girl’s address to the driver before handing over cash. She refused to hear Jen’s voice as she told the girl to tell her once she’s home, then took a photo of the driver’s ID details.

She stared as the cab sped off, removing a confused Jennie Kim further away from her.

Just before she ran on empty and hurt herself again royally.


	30. // TATGILB: Chapter 26

Jennie shouldn’t have shown up.

At 1:55 am, Lisa finally pulled herself up from sitting on the kitchen floor where she was drinking a tall glass of water and trying to shake the haze away from her mind; her grip on her phone a little too crushing as if that could stop any more messages to come through.

She knew that if she dared twist that door lock open she won’t be able to turn things around anymore.

She rested her forehead on the flat of her door, counting the minutes to see if she could muster more strength to stay away. Listening to the desperate whispers of her name reverberating through the spaces of the wood, enticing her to her very salvation…and destruction.

She shouldn’t have opened that door. Her last sliver of sanity, even now that she was sober, couldn’t protect her from the sight she found.

Because the very same demented match to her forest fire stood there: a scrumptious sin heightened by the lipstick smudge where Lisa violently kissed her, furthered by a fierceness to her stance and persistence in her eyes.

Almost three years and that look still haunted her.

_Want._

_Need._

_Desire._

Lisa’s knees buckled. And that was her mistake.

Lisa resigned to her longing as the girl jumped the distance between them. Jen’s mouth claimed brutal kisses as they slammed the door behind them and crossed towards Lisa’s bedroom, leaving pieces of their clothes in their wake.

Lisa was going fucking insane. She was frantic, wanting to taste the girl everywhere. Gone was her perfected self-composure. Gone was her self-control. In place was a near-deranged woman who lost herself in each and every memory she could extract from her ex-lover’s skin, despite the mix of sweet and painful nostalgia it brought.

She was gone as she bit on the woman’s shoulders, a break on her skin that brought Jennie howling into the dark, then moaning as she licked the skin soothingly.

She was gone as the Korean’s mouth hovered near her ear as she wetly husked, her nail digging on the back of the blonde’s neck, possibly leaving bruises to discover tomorrow.

She was gone as she pushed the woman down on the bed and her palms and tongue travelled their way down the Korean’s pale body glinting under the moonlight, worshipping her as to how she remembered, with a certain reverence despite the coarseness in her touches.

She was gone as she savoured the woman’s bare thigh and was filled with the heady smell of her arousal, as her nose slid on the woman’s wet slit and flicked on her hardened clit, before running her tongue flat on her dripping folds.

Can a woman taste even better? Because Lisa’s mouth couldn’t get enough of Jen as the rough of her tongue scratched through the folds brashly, couldn’t get enough of the mewling of the Korean, couldn’t get enough of the salt on the sweat of her skin. 

And she felt torn, because where she expected the familiar she found something new.

It…didn’t feel like home.

And just as conflicted was Jen, who’s similarly torn as her hands struggled under Lisa’s tight hold, refusing to let her needy hands touch the Thai’s body.

“Lisa, let me feel you,” The Korean begged again and again but Lisa was adamantly limiting any more opportunities to submit to the woman’s caresses.

This Lisa may have felt new for Jen, too, as she struggled under her, trying to feel more of the blonde while the latter refused to slow down. Trying to kiss her but she refused to be dominated. Trying to reciprocate but all Lisa did was take. She thrust hard and yet Lisa didn’t feel at all like she was giving.

Every thrust felt like a punishment.

And all Jen could do was to submit as her atonement.

Jen was finally able to touch Lisa again when she was allowed to straddle the girl in her need to feel Lisa’s body close for her to peak. But even as Jen clung to Lisa it invoked unfamiliar feelings within as Lisa thrust hard with near desperation, never stopping to meet the throb of Jen’s body as she wailed. Losing herself in an orgasm that doesn’t feel hers and overshadowed by a looming ache in her heart.

Yes, this didn’t feel anything like their countless making love in the past. This lover felt familiar in multiple ways and yet felt new with how the passion imposed.

And it overwhelmed Lisa, how she drowned in her anger and yet her heart throbbed for Jen. How much she missed her nakedness this close. How she anguished for the three years that gave them distance and gave her this new woman but still ache for like she used to.

So Lisa buried her face against Jen’s neck, drowning in the heavy musk of the Korean’s warm skin slicked with sweat. Lisa distracted herself enough to resist the tears as she felt Jen’s walls clench on her fingers, accepting every thrust she took.

Lisa took and took and took like she could fill her own emptiness.

Jen tentatively ran her fingers on the blonde’s back. She felt helpless, understanding that this was all her fault. She wanted so hard to make it right, and perhaps they could start today, as her hand ran through her shoulders to pull Lisa into a hug. 

But as if her touch brought fire, the blonde flinched aggressively.

“No, don’t—” Lisa warned as she withdrew from her body.

Ruffled sheets. A whisper.

“Lisa, please…”

“No, this—”

The Korean’s palm reached for the blonde’s arm.

“Please, Lisa, stay here with me.”

A whimper left Jen as the tall girl continued to pull herself off the bed and walk backward, looking at Jen with those same eyes she has been given these past months.

Like she’s a mistake.

Lisa pulled on a robe, then paused on her bedroom door as she prepared to give the girl her privacy.

She closed her eyes, a heavy weight on her chest now barrelling straight to her stomach. Her hand gripped hard on the door knob, reluctant to leave the warmth behind.

She’s not yet ready to end her reminiscing. She’s not yet ready to end this night. But those soft touches would make her want to hope again that Jen can undo all this pain and make things feel alright.

“This…”

“Lisa…” Jen pleaded again, the ache in her voice palpable.

She doesn’t look back. She doesn’t feel ready to give in to those appeals. Her voice and her touches still bring Lisa so much hurt, and the blonde has already made so many mistakes tonight.

She can’t possibly delude herself into thinking her touches can heal her.

She pushed herself to leave the room as her voice croaked in a strangled whisper:

“This doesn’t change anything.”


	31. // TATGILB: Chapter 27

**2023, 5 months after**

“Do you remember Eun Mi?”

“Who?”

“Ha Eun Mi. My best friend in high school.”

“The fuck are you talking about? **_I_** was your best friend in high school.”

“Well, okay, my best friend when you’re not supposed to be seen with me.”

Jennie rolled her eyes. “Has anybody told you your words are getting more thoughtless lately?”

“That’s what you get for breaking up with me,” Lisa snorted.

Her words have become less and less potent when she kept saying it – just like a harsh joke that only stings the first few times. Now it just sounded like a fact that both Jennie and Lisa had to get over.

It was true: Jen broke up with Lisa. Now Jennie’s trying to win her without losing her sanity – or patience, at the very least – and it seemed the best way to do that was to just accept that fact and move on and shrug it off whenever Lisa would poke fun at it.

Or at least that’s what Lisa thinks Jennie’s doing. She admittedly made it really hard for the girl, but she hasn’t stopped trying to win her so far.

And she has been admittedly quite rude the past months, too. But every time she allows the girl in a little, like a defence reflex she just hates herself again. It’s a sick cycle she couldn’t seem to wean herself out of that she’s trying to circumvent by minimising any times between her and Jen that involved closed room spaces.

Hence, a road trip.

She gazed at the impressive Incheon Bridge in front of them, Incheon Airport just behind it. They’ve driven all the way to Wolmido Island, just an hour away from Seoul to bring beers and find a random parking spot near the shores to kill time. It was 1am and they were both awake for the weekend, and as much as she hated it Seoul brought out in Lisa a lot of things she didn’t think she’d come across.

For example, getting attuned to Jennie’s thoughts and having the same idea of getting lost in a night drive after midnight.

Or missing having a familiar body beside her when the nights get lonely.

Or having a beer after a drive with someone she’s pretending to avoid but was quick to entertain anyway.

Lisa sighed. Despite thinking it would be a restart for her again when she moved to Seoul, she didn’t anticipate rediscovering bits of herself in a place that largely reminds her of her childhood. She left as a teenager and returned as a jaded adult, and as much as she thought she’d move on, she found herself being pulled to return to who she was in New York albeit in a different shell: a now hardened but weary and often antagonistic Lisa, but inside her was a Lili who kept yearning for that soulmate her own grew up with.

Often she thought, maybe this phase was exactly like those times in her life when Jen left and she’s abandoned to pick up her emotional pieces to put back together.

How many times has it been? The first one when they were kids. The other one when Jen flew to New York to start a new life. And then 3 years ago when she broke up with her.

She should already be used to it. She was always the one left behind and waiting to be picked up on again.

Except this time it feels different; it feels like the first time all over again. Now there’s a Lisa who’s trying to hide. Now there’s a Jennie who’s trying to chase. Like two, completely new girls occupying old, weary bodies.

It felt much like a reverse and it feels new, but it doesn’t feel good.

It just feels like a limbo until something changes.

Or breaks, she’s not sure.

Lisa took another sip from her beer and looked at Jen wordlessly. She’s gotta give it to the girl, she has displayed a great amount of resiliency. They’re walking around in eggshells since they had sex, sure. But Jen hasn’t given up, and she’s almost sure she has broken her a little.

She’s not proud of it.

“You remember her. The loud girl. You hated her with a passion.”

Jen choked a little on the beer she was drinking. “Oh yeah, mousy looking girl, red-bull-in-the-morning kid?”

Lisa rolled her eyes. “She’s not that mousy but yeah, high-energy girl.”

“What about her?”

“She’s getting married in 3 months. I got the invite today.”

“Oh! Good for her. She found herself a similarly mousy guy?”

“He’s a relatively burly guy. I just saw their photo.”

Jen shrugged. “Good for her.”

They sat on the hood of Jen’s car, its speakers softly playing music hitched from Lisa’s phone, randomly watching the planes leaving Incheon Airport every once in a while. The quiet between them wasn’t suffocating anymore, but Lisa still found herself asking questions – just anything to have access to the brunette’s mind.

“Did you ever think we’d be here in our mid-twenties?”

Jen took a sip of beer after glancing at her. “Like did I ever imagine we’d be back in Seoul?”

“No. Just…here and aimless, I guess.”

Jennie looked thoughtful for a bit.

“Well…I wouldn’t say aimless. A little derailed from original plans, sure, but not aimless. I still know what I’m aiming for.” Her side-eye towards Lisa didn’t escape the blonde.

“Well, that’s true. You’re an Engagement Manager now for the same firm since New York, so…”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

Lisa's lips pursed but wiped it with a swig from her beer can. She didn’t want to ask the question to a scenario she thinks she knows the answer to, because what do you really do with that information anyway?

“I still miss New York sometimes, though. Everyone may be cold but not Korea-detached.”

“Asians are different-level-detached,” Jen snorted. “Don’t go looking for a smiley face on the subway, you’ll break your heart.”

“Don’t remind me. I can’t believe I miss the potential to get mugged in New York more than getting snubbed here in Korea’s subway.”

Her hand lingered on the hood of the car, feeling the warmth of Jen’s hand near it.

It makes her skin tingle with anticipation for that warmth and touch that has long been missed.

“We all miss the connection, I guess.”

A finger flinches from the comment and as an impulse, it tries to move closer.

Lisa took a minute to sip on a new can of beer, mulling those thoughts. There’s something about watching planes flying and landing that feels serene. Like a world that keeps shifting and moving even if you stay silent.

Liability (Reprise) by Lorde played softly on the speakers.

“Hey, I missed that song!”

Lisa allowed herself a soft smile. “Yeah, I was going through some old songs on my playlist.”

“A Jack Antonoff special, I love it.” Jen raised her beer can to the air like toasting to her good taste.

Her other hand near Lisa’s still hasn’t moved. 

It’s giving the blonde a small quiver realising how she’s this close.

And that it feels kind of okay.

Guess some wounds are starting to heal.

Lisa closed her eyes and hummed, then sang along with the lyrics:

_All of the dreams that get harder_

_All of the things that I offer you_

_And all of the shit that we harbour_

_Make all of the kids in the choirs sing woo-hoo_

She thinks it’s a bit cliché, to be out here beyond midnight near the piers in an island that transforms into a dry children’s park in the morning and a barren, near empty space in front of the beach at night, holding all the secrets of those who visit.

Secrets.

“Hey, you remember the Whispering Gallery over at Grand Central Terminal?”

Jen’s immersed in the song, too. Lisa pulled her hand away for a bit and fiddled with her phone, placed the player on loop for a good measure.

“What about it?” Jen asked afterwards. Her hand refused to move, still waiting.

“Don’t you wish we had something like that here?” Lisa leaned back again, her hand back beside Jen’s on the hood of the car.

“What do you mean?”

“Like a place you can tell secrets to.”

Jen’s fingers moved closer. Lisa can practically feel the skin on hers.

She gulped a little.

“Like a wishing tree?”

Lisa nodded absentmindedly, her mind hyperaware of this new suffocating need. A finger tentatively grazed on Jen’s own.

“You know the Whispering Gallery isn’t for secrets?”

Another swig of her beer, then a sigh. 

Lisa’s hand started to occupy more of the other’s skin. A tingle started to run from her palm to her arms.

“I know,” Lisa responded after. “But it feels nice to whisper there sometimes and the place carries your voice everywhere and you think someone’s listening to you.”

Jen’s hand moved to flip Lisa’s hand on hers softly, where her palm was now holding half of the tall girl’s hand.

Lisa closed her eyes briefly, letting her body get used to being assaulted by that familiar warmth. That familiar want.

That familiar need.

And finding that she’s not totally against it anymore.

The sound of the waves hitting the shores was louder than before.

“You can do that here, you know?”

Lisa slowly opened her eyes, letting her brain register the voice instead of dwelling on her feelings brought about by a small touch. Her shoes kicked on the pavement absentmindedly.

“In Seoul?” Her voice croaked a little.

“No, here. In this beach,” Jen’s other hand motioned to the empty parking lot facing the shore. “No one’s around and the waves can carry your secret everywhere.”

Lisa snorted faintly. “That sounds makeshift.”

Her voice floated into the salty air. It was taken over by the sound of Lisa’s loud heart beats from her chest.

A few seconds. Lisa’s hand moved to cover Jen’s completely.

She thought she heard the girl gasp a little but her heartbeats were still occupying her ears.

“It’s as good as any.” Jen whispered.

Lisa considered a little. She took a few more drinks from her beer to drown the noise in her brain and to push her further.

“I’ll go after you.”

Jen laughed. She intertwined her fingers in between Lisa’s.

The way it slid easily like it has been a home it has known for a long time.

Familiar. 

It gave Lisa a small beautiful ache.

“I don’t have secrets.” Jen murmured after what seemed like a long time.

Lisa paused. “Sure, you do.”

“Not anything that needs to be carried into the waves.”

“Pussy.”

Jen’s hand gripped Lisa’s and nudged her arm playfully.

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Come on, “ Lisa egged, pulling their intertwined hands motioning towards the end of the parking lot a few meters away. It was fenced with faded flimsy metal railings that separated the parking lot from the sands of the industrial beach area. “Just go ahead.”

Jen ran her fingers through her hair, then looked around before her gaze landed on her car.

“You’ll have to stay inside the car with the windows up.”

Lisa clasped Jen’s fingers closer. She’s starting to feel it, like she can do this longer.

“Why?”

“So you can’t hear it.”

Lisa side eyed the car. She finished her beer can and opened another using her available hand. She can already feel a good buzz flowing.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” Lisa pursed then grinned at Jennie’s stubborn ass. She hesitantly untangled her fingers away from the girl’s hand, whose grasp on hers tightened a little and seemed as reluctant to part.

Her fingers clenched, lamenting the loss of the warmth of Jennie’s hand before she moved towards the driver’s door.

Maybe they should have just lingered a little longer.

The blonde stepped inside the car and started pulling up all the open windows. She softened the sound of Lorde’s crooning voice to a minimum until it’s almost fading in the background.

She watched Jen hesitantly walk a bit towards the edge of the parking lot near the shore. She looked back and waved her arms, then shouted:

“Can you hear me?”

Lisa could have told the truth.

But she shook her pretty head and pointed to her ears, then waved her palms.

Somehow she felt she needed this. Or were owed this.

She watched as the girl hesitantly faced the beach, held onto the railings. She shivered a little from the harsh wind before taking a deep breath.

It took a few seconds.

Lorde’s words softly enveloped Lisa inside the deafening quiet of the car:

**_All of the dreams that get harder_ **

**_All of the things that I offer you_ **

Then a shout to the void.

“I’m sorry!”

**_And all of the shit that we harbour_ **

“I’m so, so sorry I fucked up!”

**_Make all of the kids in the choirs sing woo-hoo_ **

“You’re the best part of my life and I still fucked it up!”

Air painfully left her lungs as Lisa let go of a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

**_Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe_ **

“I hate myself for ever telling you those words. I’m so, so sorry, I--”

**_Maybe all this is the party_ **

“I only thought I was protecting you, Lisa! I didn’t mean to hurt you! I didn’t mean--”

**_Maybe we just do it violently_ **

“I’ll...I’ll wait for you, even if it breaks me that you’re pushing me away. I’ll do anything just to have you again!”

She felt a tear run treacherously on her right cheek.

**_But you're not what you thought you were_ **

“I just want you back! I just want you--”

**_Liability_ **

Her heart plunged as she watched the Korean crumple a little on the ledge, and she debated on running out of the car towards the girl.

"I just want…us…Please! Please! Plea--”

**_But you're not what you thought you were_ **

**_Much for me_ **

But just as she opened the door, she realised Jen needed this. They both did.

They needed to be able to finally cry it out in front of each other. Lament what they lost and mourn for what they’re slowly building with hesitation.

\--

The Korean finally pulled herself up after a few minutes. She rubbed her face clean of tears before she carefully walked towards the car. She didn’t look as weak as Lisa initially saw her earlier, but then again Jennie has been really good at keeping her emotions within.

She wanted to reach out to the girl but her hand remained clutched hard on Jen’s door, like a lifeline.

Her voice sounded like she pulled it from the recesses of her soul.

“Are you okay?”

Jen softly grinned, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Of course.”

Lisa opened the door further to usher the girl in before she moved to close the door. She was stopped by Jen’s arms.

Her cat eyes looked tentative.

“You didn’t hear anything there, did you?”

Lisa looked straight at her eyes. Somehow she felt she needed to give this affirmation.

Her voice was soft and understanding.

“Of course, not.”

\--

She walked with a slight purpose in her strides. She eyed where Jen exactly stood earlier, taking her place.

Her body arched back to see Jen looking at her anxiously, then she looked back at the waters.

She knew that standing there would mean the girl could perfectly hear her.

She took a deep breath, then gazed at another airplane leaving Incheon Airport.

It felt like the departure she was waiting for, so as it raised up to the sky she held her hands on the railings and screamed:

“I want to love you again but it hurts so, so much!”

She gripped on the metal harder. Wind blowing on her white knuckles.

“I miss you every god damned day but I just wish it stops hurting. I just wish—”

She choked on her tears that now wouldn’t stop flowing.

“Why does loving you always have to hurt?”

And she cried. She cried the tears that were due for the longest time.

Behind her, as she spared her company a glance after a few seconds, were tears that were flowing on the brunette’s cheeks, sitting behind the wheel in resignation with the impact of the decisions she has long regretted in her life.


	32. // TATGILB: Chapter 28

** 2023, 6 months after **

“I want to say, ‘You look like a changed woman’, but you look like shit.”

Lisa snorted over the whiskey she’s drinking. It doesn’t help that they’re in a private, members-only, old men’s bar, giggling like kids while being the youngest women in the room who also wore short, professionally tailored dresses and stilettos.

Gangnam and Itaewon bars didn’t quite cut it for Jisoo. In Seoul, she only drank at the private bars just like this one that’s situated at the top of one of the richest and tallest buildings in Gangnam, just in case anything happened. She couldn’t afford any gossip nor media news to leak out, and she’s already in hot water with her parents. Well, tentatively speaking it’s ‘lukewarm,’ as the issue has died down more than a year ago, but Jisoo’s still playing the role of the dutiful daughter, hence the hush-hush on things.

Lisa didn’t mind. She liked the old leather chairs and the dim lights and how everyone in this rooftop bar seemed to value privacy. It smelled of old money and tobacco and maybe her grandfather, but it was cosy. And if Jisoo chose to be here and brought a chauffeur with her, it means she’s willing to get drunk with Lisa anyway.

Not that she was really planning to. But most of her meetings with Jisoo usually meant having a lot of heart to hearts she’s not ready for.

“So the update is: you’re still shit, your personality has gotten worse, and you’re still the same Lisa I keep telling you to change. You just changed geographies and that’s it.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

Jisoo eyed her a little. “Except Jen is here.”

Lisa nodded acquiescently. 

“Except Jennie is here.” Her voice was almost inaudible.

Jisoo quietly sipped on her Negroni. They stayed that way for a few moments.

When Jisoo didn’t speak, it was Lisa who finally gave way.

“I’m tired, Jisoo.”

The Korean looked at her with sad eyes.

“I know, Lis.”

“I just wish it would stop hurting. I just wish she doesn’t remind me of feeling inadequate. I just—”

“Then why don’t you stop it?”

Lisa’s jaws strained before she answered. “I did, remember? I tried forgetting her.”

Jisoo disappointedly licked her lips as she thoughtfully tried to structure her words. Lisa just returned to her whiskey. They’re at the far end of the bar – they didn’t mind the bartender occasionally popping by, they’re not exactly talking business. And they liked not having to shout sitting beside each other on the leather stools. And, well, the view was fantastic. The river that snakes across Seoul was gleaming in the moonlight and gave a great ambiance to their contrastingly unstable night.

The Korean looked at her, then sighed.

“It’s hard to keep an eye on you when I know what’s happening with Jen, too. And I really want to love her more than you, but you—you’re just a special case of stupid sometimes.”

Lisa snorted. She’s sure that was meant to be a sharp jab, but she’s with Jisoo – any teasing was welcome. She stared at her whiskey as she waited for her friend to continue.

“When I meant stop the pain, I meant open yourself up to love again.”

Lisa drank the remains of her whiskey, before motioning to the bartender. He promptly picked a top-shelf whiskey and gave her two shots, along with fresh ice. 

She swirled the whiskey on her hand, letting the ice hit the glass to distract them.

“I just wish it’s so easy to wake up and think it won’t hurt again,” Lisa murmured loud enough for Jisoo to hear. “I just wish I never get nagging feelings about how I’m not good enough. I wish I never wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how she will leave me again once I let her in. Wishing I was enough for her.”

“To be fair, and at the risk of sounding like I’m invalidating your feelings here, I’ve only seen Jen crumble for two people: her mother and you.” Jisoo savoured her Negroni. “Not once did she ever falter in front of an audience. Or a failing grade. Or anyone else. Just you. And her mother, when the cancer scare happened. But even before then she was hardly bendable when her mum asked her to go back to Korea after graduation.”

“Well, it turns out she wasn’t just bendable, she breaks and leaves.” Lisa’s head hung low, slowly shaking off a bitter memory. “I wasn’t even asking her to choose, Jisoo. I just wanted to be there with her but she chose to break it off and linger.”

“You were both young. You were both in a huge city and only had each other, and she felt helpless on the other side of the world. She’s also only faced a lot of new things with you. Jen’s allowed to panic.”

“But does she have to always leave and not stand by me when she panics?”

“You have to forgive her irrational decisions at some point. She thought she was losing her mother.”

“And I did forgive her. Why do you think I allowed us to continue talking in the context of ‘being friends’? She’s the one who’s insisting on more.”

“And are you sure you really can’t give her more?”

“I’m drained of anything to be able to give more, Jisoo. “

The ice on Lisa’s glass clinked a little as it started to dissolve. The bartender went back in front of them and started to wipe a few glasses. They both watched him, slightly mesmerised by the mundane.

“You know she loved you with her whole heart, though.” Jisoo’s eyes never left the cloth wiping the glasses.

Lisa scoffed on her whiskey.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Jisoo shrugged. “Would it make you feel better if I know for a fact she loved only you?”

Lisa snorted again. “Fat good it did me when she decided to hurt me anyway.”

“You talk like you’ve never hurt the people you love in your life.”

“Touché.” Lisa grimaced.

She raised her glass a little to the air. The two sat beside each other quietly, drinking their alcohol.

“I know you know Jen’s trying to win me back.”

Jisoo shrugged, a small playful grin on her face. “You never did tell me about how much that little black dress affected you.”

Lisa rolled her eyes. “That night was a nightmare.”

“You got laid.”

“I hurt her.”

“Ah, yeah. That you did,” Jisoo agreed. “It was hard being on the other end of that phone call when she called me that night.”

Lisa winced. Hurting people, despite the exterior she has taken on the past years, never really quite settle well with her. Especially hurting Jen.

“I just panicked that night,” Lisa’s voice went down an octave, remorse obvious in her words. “I really thought we were going to be done then. I felt conflicted in the morning—I didn’t know if I should call her to apologise or just let us go our separate ways. It felt very final, having her walk out of my apartment and actually feeling dread when she shut the door.”

Lisa swallowed through her dry mouth. Her words haltingly scratched through her lips, leaving a bitter taste on her mouth.

“I felt a little relieved when she messaged me again, but I felt so bad about hurting her I really wanted her to quit. She didn’t stop wooing me, though, even if I kept pushing her back.”

Jisoo snorted. “Gotta give it to the girl for her resilience.”

“Yeah, I wondered when she’d break sometimes.”

“Did she ever?” Jisoo asked after a few silent seconds.

Lisa chewed on her lip anxiously.

“No, she did not.”

Jisoo nodded thoughtfully as if she knew something else. “At least she’s really proving herself.”

Lisa nodded again. She wondered exactly how many times she’s gonna do that tonight.

They sat there again in silence.

“Lis…” Jisoo husked after a short while. Lisa flinched. She knew in the heaviness of her voice that this was the part that Jisoo’s going to chide her.

“I know you don’t want to hear this…but between you and Jen, you were always the more delicate one,” And when Lisa was just about to react, Jisoo cut in, one finger up. “I meant you were strong enough to take on the world. But you always wore your heart on your sleeve. And you were so lovesick, you just practically followed Jen around.”

“Like a dog,” Lisa said flatly.

“Like someone in love,” Jisoo corrected. She then sighed. “It’s not always a bad thing. But every time... every time you told us about you and Jen, and whenever Chaeyoung and I tried to push you towards her, it’s almost always like you’re just waiting for her to happen to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“When was the last time you took matters into your own hands?”

Lisa balked a little.

“I—I don’t…I take…” Words were fast going through Lisa’s confusion. “What—what are you talking about?”

“I mean do something, god damn it. Change whatever this funk you’re in,” Jisoo whispered harshly. “You stayed in New York and followed Jen’s advice. You took your time, always factoring in what she felt. It was always about her feelings, not yours. Don’t you think it’s time you acted selfishly?”

“Are you saying I made the wrong decision then?”

“There are no wrong decisions,” Jisoo swirled the remaining Negroni in her hand. The bartender was attentive enough to fix her another drink. “You did what you thought you needed then. But…there are consequences.”

“There are. She left. And look where we are now.”

“And what have you done to fix it?”

“I dodged her to avoid getting hurt! What are you talking about?”

“You’ve been avoiding her for three years! You clearly still love her but you’re refusing to let her in because you’re so afraid of what might happen again, but you’re not setting your own terms. How are you expecting to get out of this hurt if you don’t change the stubbornness that hasn’t helped you the past three years? The past…I dunno, decade? Decades?”

“I… don't…”

“You can’t possibly be this blunt, Lisa.”

Lisa flinched hard. “Okay, stop. Now you’re just being hurtful—”

“Lisa, stop waiting for Jen to happen. Stop waiting for your pain to subside. You mope around, building this huge wall to guard you, but you never set terms to begin with. You keep running away, thinking the ache will start dulling you. But nothing will happen if you don’t take charge of your own feelings, of your relationship!”

Lisa wanted to bite back, but the words hit her, hard. She stared at Jisoo, mouth open, forcing herself into another excuse but…it felt flimsy.

“You have let Jen steer your ship for a long time, Lis. It’s time you step up and tell her what you want. How you want things. Meet her halfway.” Jisoo’s voice has gotten harder now, driving the point deeper. “It’s a relationship! It’s not a goddamn waiting game, Lis. You keep waiting for her to be okay. You keep waiting for her to want you back. You keep waiting for her to tell you she loved you. And now you keep waiting for the pain to subside. Waiting never does anyone good. Tackling things head-on and keeping things clear does.”

Lisa bit on her lip, stopping it from trembling. She can feel the tears forming on her waterline.

Jisoo paused, letting Lisa rest. She has always treated Lisa like her youngest sister, but sometimes she needed to be the eldest sister everyone needed, even if it meant being harsh.

“I’m sorry if you had to hear it like this, Lis,” Jisoo sipped on her cup. “I would always be there for you, but I can’t let you not get out of the purgatory you’ve been wallowing in.”

Lisa didn’t respond. She just stared at her whiskey.

To be fair—and she hated that she had to agree—Jisoo was right. The drama has been going on too long in her head, but she was scared to do something about it, so she skirted around the longest way possible. At the back of her head she kept waiting for Jen to make her feel better, but she hasn’t exactly defined what would make her feel secured.

She wasn’t really sure what could make her feel secure, either. Lisa never exactly sat down and thought about it; she just allowed Jen to do things for them, and now she wasn’t sure how to define terms in their relationship. She didn’t know how to, because she just thought they could just…be.

And for the longest time, they were, until they broke.

And now they didn’t know how to rearrange themselves without instructions.

Lisa tipped the remaining alcohol into her mouth.

“You still never mince your words.”

Jisoo may be right but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. She side-eyed the Korean as she took a sip of her Negroni.

“That won’t make me a very good friend, if I did, would it?”

Lisa took a deep breath. It’s harder to accept words when they’ve already formed a hive inside her head.

They stayed quiet for a while, wondering how to pick up on a new topic that wouldn’t hurt. Then again, it’s already one of those nights…so might as well. Lisa decided to go for a topic that could make at least both of them uneasy.

“How’s Chae?”

Jisoo flinched.

Visibly.

“I mean I’m flying to Australia in two days, if that’s any indication.”

“Yeah? How was she?”

“She’s fine,” Jisoo responded, words a little clipped. She crossed her legs closed. She was obviously preparing herself to be defensive. “The bridal party was yesterday but I’m sure she didn’t miss me.”

“Now that I think about it, I should have thought about just meeting you for drinks in Melbourne.”

“And get drunk there? God, no.”

Lisa laughed emptily. She sipped more of her whiskey.

“I talked to her on the phone before I went here.”

“Of course you did.”

“She told me a lot.”

“Of course she did.”

“She still loved you.”

Jisoo drank all of her remaining Negroni and motioned to the bartender again for a refill. When it came, she drank a gulp and set it back on the bar.

“And what do you want me to do about that?”

“I don’t know, Jisoo, I just want to know how you are.”

“I’m broken, thank you. What else do you want me to say?”

Lisa licked her lips worriedly. She really didn’t want to bring this to Jisoo but she couldn’t help herself. “What happened to taking matters to your own hands?”

“No,” Jisoo hissed through her teeth, a finger sticking out of her hand. “You do not bring that shit to me.”

“I just want to understand, Jisoo. It’s so fucking rich of you to come up with saying I should go after things but you didn’t.”

“Hey!” Jisoo yelled, one straining finger in front of Lisa’s face although still a little restrained. Privacy was definitely helping them now. “You don’t do that to me, you little shit.”

“And what, are you gonna tell me yours is different?”

“Chaeyoung couldn’t fight for me, okay?” Jisoo screamed, tears now in her eyes. “Why do you think I stayed in New York for a year until she graduated to take care of her and you? My parents almost wanted my head for going against them and staying in the US, but I risked that for her!”

Jisoo’s chest was heaving, her neck a furious red now. “And after the whole thing, she still couldn’t say no to her parents and said yes to that arranged marriage. What do you want me to do? Go to her parents and out her?”

“No, go to her and fly her off somewhere!”

“You talk like fairy tales work like that,” Jisoo replied, anger still apparent but slightly subdued now. “News flash, kidnapping isn’t a part of happy ever afters.”

Both women fell quiet as if gauging each other’s energy. The Korean ran her fingers through her brown hair frustratedly, pulling on her scalp to ease her outrage.

After a few minutes, Jisoo sighed. She then dug into her bag and pulled out a square jewellery box and carefully placed it in front of Lisa. The red of the velvety box went in beautiful contrast to the dark oak brown of the bar.

“I’m tired, too.”

Lisa glanced at Jisoo before her fingers picked up the box gingerly. She knew exactly what the box contained, but she couldn’t help herself and gasped when she opened it and found a beautiful ring with a circular diamond on top: big enough to be coming from Jisoo, but delicate enough to fit the fingers of Chaeyoung.

It would have been perfect.

Lisa gazed at it a little longer, the sadness washing over both of them about how everything seemingly felt fait accompli. She wondered about her own. She wondered about the ring she would have bought Jen then. She never got around to it, but she always thought an elegant petite French cut would have been a good fit on Jennie’s smooth slender feminine fingers. She wondered about how she would have given the ring. She always thought it would have to be something private, something just special to the two of them. Jennie might be popular but she was always insistent with keeping her privacy.

Her eyes fell down on her drink before she closed the box and carefully slid it back to Jisoo. The latter played with it on her hands for a while, just staring at it, before finally tucking it back inside her bag.

They resumed drinking their alcohol, both not willing to resume discussions.

The sound of the bar consumed them as they quietly drank from their glasses. To their left, they can hear old Korean men whispering amongst themselves. On the other side of the room, they can hear the boisterous laughter of mid-aged men in suits. Their bartender was cleaning a few glasses, pretending not to listen.

They were a sore thumb in a predominantly men’s lounge, talking about their first loves.

“I hope it’s you,” Jisoo breaks the silence later on. Lisa just looks at her with a questioning look on her face, eyebrow raised.

“If there’s anyone of us who would get their lesbian fairy tale, I hope it’s you.”

Lisa side glanced at her, almost like waiting for the punchline. She still doesn’t respond. Jisoo empties her glass, handing it to the bartender for another round.

“I’m tired, Lis,” Jisoo breathes out emphatically. “I’m tired of fighting a one-sided fight. I’m tired of constantly hoping it would change. At least I know somehow Jen’s fighting for you. Between the two of us, you deserve your happy ending more.”

“Why can’t we both have our happy ending, Jisoo?” Lisa asked quietly, feeling the heavy load on Jisoo’s shoulders.

“Not everyone gets their happy ending, Lis,” Jisoo’s eyes are red now, obviously affected by things. “Sometimes you get your second chance. And when you do, you should recognise when it’s time to take it and make it yours.”


	33. // TATGILB: Chapter 29

**Mid 2023**

They say it takes a certain readiness to accept things.

If Lisa’s being honest, that line felt like it just translated to having any preconceived notions in your head assenting to old, safe information. Not much else.

For example, accepting letting herself be surrounded by Jen’s scent, again. It’s an incredibly overwhelming feeling of being assaulted by a stronger trigger to her emotions.

It brings her back to those nights when young Jennie would sleep over at young Lalisa’s room for weekends when they’re hiding from the rest of the world. It brings her back to those snowy days she would hibernate in Jen’s sweatshirts in the Korean’s first New York apartment, sniffing the last remnants of her scent to keep Lisa warm.

It brings her back to the days she would leave the darkroom every once in a while when her head’s drowning in chemicals and she would go to their room to breathe. And she almost always finds herself sitting instead just beside the laundry hamper and pulling Jen’s dresses and jackets worn the day before that smelled distinctly of New York and the office and Chanel and her lover’s smell after a whole day of excitement, and she just breathes all of Jen in to supplement her longing till she sees her again.

Jennie has smelled of the sun and of flowers and of teenaged perfumes and of sweat and of taxis and of muggy Korean afternoons and of chilly New York mornings and of cold conditioned air, yet Lisa could always pick Nini’s smell apart, like a wisp of red thread that’s sewn tight to her heart. It just tugs, every time.

“Pouty isn’t your thing.”

Lisa glanced at Jen as the brunette handed her a glass of white wine. She must have looked ridiculous sitting stiffly on the soft couch that hugged well on Lisa’s lithe frame, possibly all glassy-eyed and in a stupor from all the memories that just flooded all her senses that it made her feel tingly.

Of course she’d feel a little defensive. She just let herself slip into a moment of being fragile and powerless again under Jennie Ruby Jane Kim.

“I’m not pouty, I just wasn’t sure what to expect with your apartment.”

“And how do you find it?”

Lisa let the word slip before she could stop it. “Plain.”

Jennie looked at her tentatively, trying not to bite back. “Plain, really?”

Lisa bit on her lip and winced, regretting her bluntness.

She forgot, she’s supposed to be trying.

Although they’ve been meeting each other again more often the past few months after they had sex, it was almost always in Lisa’s terms: either in lunches or dinners outside and never again at Lisa’s place. In Lisa’s head, they were controlled environments. She can have Jennie as she was and nothing else. She can bring with her small pieces of new things, or of old hurt, but Lisa can screen them effectively.

After all, she did somehow mull over her discussion with Jisoo and told herself that she will try to open herself up more and try to let the girl in without constantly jumping to avoid potential emotional landmines like a stubborn cat thrown on a shallow bathtub.

But choosing tonight to be at Jennie’s place meant subjecting herself more to what she’s not ready to see: how Jennie lives, what she has surrounded herself with, what she keeps busy with. What she potentially does in her evenings. Where she rests when she’s tired of the day. What kind of vegetable and food her chiller holds. What type of food she now enjoys. What type of wine she has in stock to tide her towards her days.

These are all new, unstable information that could easily creep into her heart. She’s not done yet with compartmentalising Jennie in the past and slowly accepting the idea of her into Lisa’s present.

It means seeing Jennie as a person and not seeing her as the Jennie of her past, and that was just harder to control. And being inside Jennie’s place was a small test to Lisa’s ability to screen what she can let her heart take without having some sort of relapse and end up lashing out on Jennie again, thinking she’s making herself vulnerable again to potential hurt.

Because day by day, Lisa’s starting to not want to. She really, really wants to let the girl in.

But sometimes, the small things set her off. Like the deluge of memories after being surrounded by Jennie’s scent that’s all over her apartment. It made her defensive, not understanding exactly how to deal with it. And in turn, it made her uptight.

Right. 

Small things.

Jennie shook her head, knowing better than to get into Lisa’s head. She’s getting more adept at handling Lisa’s emotions and a part of Lisa hates it, because she just wants to break the girl a little more. Just push her into another fight. Have another outlet to let the emotions out.

Anything to trigger finally talking about their past that they’re both refusing to calmly talk about without worrying Lisa would spin out of control.

Yeah, Lisa’s petty that way.

“I’ll be chopping up some cheese and grapes, but do you want some cherries? Or do you want anything else?” Jennie’s voice floated around the common room as she disappeared into the kitchen. The blonde’s eyes roamed around freely now, taking in everything while she’s alone.

Despite her snotty comment, Jennie’s place was admittedly very cosy. The colours were towards muted greys and beige, with wide windows and a great view of the city. One of the walls was adorned by photographs printed on what looks like an embossed canvas. There’s a picture of Jen and her mother when she was younger, possibly taken in Auckland. There’s one of Central Park in black and white – Lisa remembered this because she took this photo herself when they were on one of their dates together.

Lisa tugged on her knitted cardigan, starting to feel smothered.

And then there’s a photo of her and Jen back in high school, the year they moved to Seoul. Two skinny kids smiling, a young Lalisa looking up to Jennie while the Korean’s eyes disappeared into her gummy grin towards the camera.

Lisa’s lips tightened, trying to stop herself from feeling too warm from these memories.

The last photo was of Jen's graduation, with Chaeyoung using one of Lisa’s old film cameras. She remembered how Chaeyoung kept teasing her that everything looked blurred, so Lisa was extending her hand and giving her instructions when Chae snapped the photo. There was another photo taken shortly after this moment where Lisa and Jen stood side by side, both grinning. It was arguably a better, more presentable, and less candid version.

But Jen opted to print this one, where Lisa was laughing and looking at the camera, hand outstretched, while Jen was hugging her, eyes glittery and adoring and gazing at Lisa.

_New, unstable information._

Lisa tried swallowing through her dry throat. The room suddenly felt so small.

“Jennie, can I borrow a loose shirt?” If the rasp in her voice gave her away, Jennie thankfully didn’t react. “My blouse is a little thick.”

“Sure. I have fresh shirts in the drawers inside my closet.”

_Fuck_. Lisa’s fingers went up to her forehead, massaging through a building headache. 

In her head, she thought Jen might go inside her room for Lisa and grab her one instead. A little foolish to backtrack on her words now, no?

She dragged her feet towards the open door, and as she flicked the switch she was again assaulted not only by Jennie’s scent but also more personal pieces of the girl’s life: the room brightened to a colour scheme that’s similar to the common rooms; mostly beige with a grey wall, cream leather bed frame with a similar coloured lamp beside it. A small grid with Jennie’s name in a neon heart adorned the top of her headboard, along with silvery balls that made them look like big beads that punctuated the ends.

Lisa stood there, hesitant about coming in although she was starting to feel slightly entranced.

Bit by bit she tiptoed into the room and ran her fingers lightly on the slate grey duvet that covered the bed, the softness making Lisa faintly hum approvingly as she imagined the girl slipping inside these covers at night. Her heart clenched, accepting how much she missed snuggling beside Jennie, those small moments she used to take for granted now just creating an emptiness in her that tugged to the pit of her stomach. How the girl would always give her back to her as Jen adored it when Lisa’s body heat wraps her from behind like a protective drape; how Lisa’s arms glide well under the duvets and circled the older girl’s midsection, with Lisa’s palm always resting on Jen’s chest where she can feel the girl’s heartbeat initially increasing slightly when she’s close, then eases into a steadier rhythm.

If all those days she would spend in New York imagining Jennie in their bed always felt overwhelming, it felt so different to the ache she has now seeing the presentness of things. Of a bed that’s suffused by Jen’s warmth from last night.

Of a bed in Seoul that screams _now_ and _near future_ that she could very well have but refused to, versus of a bed in New York that laments of a past that she couldn’t let go.

It’s starting to make her feel sick with jealousy, being in a room that’s full of Jen and not being a part of it at all.

Lisa pulled herself away from the bed with a reluctant tug before she opened Jen’s closet. She found the dresses and suits on one end, similar to how Jen kept them in New York. The other cabinet contained the stack of drawers that must have contained the shirts.

She inspected one, finding mostly a stack of socks. Clearly not this one. The other one pulled out to show a few loose jewellery and watches along with a few documents and what looked like a leather passport holder, evidenced by a ticket tucked inside. A small velvety jewellery box lay on top of the passport. Clearly not that one, too.

She was about to close it when her eyes caught a few details that nagged her a little too much to ignore.

**York**

A small part of the ticket spelled out York.

Lisa’s brows furrowed as she gingerly pulled the ticket, a thousand warning bells going off in her head. She shouldn’t have allowed herself to do that. This was Jen’s personal life.

She sees the left part of the ticket she tugged:

**KOREAN AIR BOARDING PASS**

**NAME KIM/JENNIE MS**

**FROM SEOUL/INCHEON**

**TO NEW YORK**

**DATE 24FEB23**

**SEAT 07A FLIGHT KE 081**

Lisa’s heart started pounding violently. It’s not yet falling into place, but as she pulled on the flight ticket in front of her the details dawn on her hard: 

Lisa arrived in Seoul this year on the 6th of February.

She met Jennie on the 15th, a Wednesday, she remembered.

Lisa shook her head. Surely, someone can have reasons why they need to fly to New York. It may have been for work.

But she also remembered Jennie didn’t fly to New York that week. She remembered, because Jen tried to get her to go out with her that weekend. Twice. And she declined her. Twice.

Why did Jennie have an unused flight ticket to New York on the 24th of February?

And why is it a ticket she’s still keeping in her passport when it’s well into the first weeks of October?

“Did you find what you’re looking for?”

Lisa’s head was still a little fuzzy as she heard Jennie’s voice echo from the kitchen. The voice turned into soft footfalls that became louder as Jen inched closer into the bedroom.

Lisa stood there in front of the drawer looking extremely lost, mind numb. She’s not exactly sure what to feel. After all, it should just be a ticket. It doesn’t say anything.

What told Lisa everything, though, was how Jennie suddenly lost all her colour seeing the blonde standing there clutching the ticket in front of her.

“Lis, I—”

The blonde’s brows furrowed. Surely it’s just a ticket? What’s wrong with going to New York?

“I…I’m sorry. I found it in your drawer, I didn’t mean to..” Lisa’s words were soft and drawn out like her head was still trying to process words. She was met by silence.

Lisa blinked then opened her mouth, but couldn’t seem to find the right words. She closed them again, lips locking into a tight line.

Jen’s gaze didn’t leave the ticket as she moved closer to Lisa. She gently pried the ticket away from Lisa’s fingers before she sighed.

“I think it’s time for me to tell you about this,” Jen whispered. Her eyes looked up to Lisa’s, searching. “But I think you need to sit down and have some wine.”

The blonde’s heart ached with Jen’s look. Is this another pain she didn’t expect to be set up with?

Christ, this night was increasingly becoming more and more of a bad decision.

Her panic must have been apparent because Jen took her shaking hand.

“Lis, I can’t promise this won’t hurt. I really tried to keep you from this, but you deserve to know. But I want you to know I’m not leaving. I’m still here.”

She didn’t know when it started. Maybe it’s the way Jen steadily held her hand, or how she told her she won’t leave, but Lisa allowed the brunette to guide her out of the room without hesitation and possibly even hanging on to her assurance. Comforted by Jen, if you will. Or maybe it was the careful way Jennie handed her a glass of wine to drink as she sank unto the couch beside Lisa, looking more like she’s worried for the blonde than ever.

But she just knew somehow that Jen wouldn’t let her hurt alone, and that gave her enough courage to sit through without wanting to immediately jump up and leave.

She sat there again, the same couch she sat on stiffly earlier, waiting for another deluge of information to assault her emotions.

Lisa gripped on to her wine glass like a pillar. She could feel her fingers shaking and slightly slipping from the moisture of the glass.

“I was meant to fly to the US in February,” Jennie started after what seemed like a long silence. “I was going to lead a project in Chicago for about four months, with secondments to New York. If all went well after, I could submit a transfer to stay in the US office.”

Lisa didn’t respond. She’s still not sure how this information was supposed to hurt.

Jennie sipped on her glass to clear her throat. “When I bumped into you the week before my flight, I asked to be temporarily rearranged for another project locally. Later on, I cancelled the plans to fly to the US altogether.”

Lisa looked more irritated than confused.

“So, you delayed your flight when you found out I’m in Seoul?”

“Yes.”

“And you ultimately cancelled your work thinking you can chase after me while I’m conveniently in Seoul?”

Jen closed her eyes and took a huge breath. The concession in her sigh sounded like she felt she deserved Lisa’s disdain.

“I cancelled because the person I’m supposed to chase in New York happened to confirm she’s permanently relocating to Seoul.”

Lisa’s eyes narrowed, her body tensed. Jen could practically hear her putting all her walls up to this information. She went in while she still had the chance.

“Lis, I know I’ve apologised a thousand times. I meant it when I said I wanted to make it right. But I’ve been trying to ‘make it right’ for a year in the making. I needed to ensure everything aligned so that I could be at my best for you. To show you that I am still worth it and I will do everything I can if you would accept me.” Jen’s voice sounded meek now. “I wanted to be closer to where you were. I wanted to make amends.”

“And you needed to wait a year?”

“More, yes.”

“Because of work?”

A beat. 

“Because…”

An uncomfortable shift on the couch.

A bite on a trembling lip, seeking composure.

“...because of my mum.”

Lisa licked her lips nervously. She knew the topic would always be uncomfortable, but this isn’t new information anymore. She’s starting to get impatient. 

“Because you wanted to wait until she got better?”

“No. I mean, yes, that was a part of it.”

“Then what else am I missing, Jen,” Lisa couldn’t hold back the anxiety in her voice any longer. “Because this whole talk is starting to sound like a really drawn out conversation about you waiting to be ready and I don’t see how I’m factoring in to all these because all I’m hearing is you taking me in your own pace again and—”

“MUM WAS FURIOUS WHEN SHE FOUND OUT WE WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP.” Jennie quickly blurted.

It was obvious Jen wished she hadn’t with the way her hand moved up to cover her mouth. There was, however, really no other way to put it. 

The next words that left Jen were more careful and more hushed, but not any less painful. 

“She asked me to stop what we’re doing and to fix myself and find a husband. Start a family.”

Lisa started breathing through her mouth, slow steady breaths that don’t seem to make it to her head.

Somehow, she knew. Deep down, there was a nagging feeling. How Jen barely let her speak to Mrs. Kim on Facetime. How the woman would always be too polite. But it was never something that got brought up and she forgot about it soon enough as their catch up calls became more strained after the break-up.

The same nagging feeling she had at Jen’s graduation was apparently right.

“I needed her to focus on recovery so I let her think what she wanted,” Jen started again, every once in a while pausing when the words wouldn’t come out. “When I knew she was finally getting well, I started arranging again for a life to be with you while attending to her needs.”

Jennie’s eyes lingered on the ticket she had placed on the table beside her wine. She kept mumbling almost in a daze, like a drawn-out speech that she needed to get out of her chest.

“When…I knew she could finally take it, I told her about me. About you. And how nothing’s going to change because you are still the love of my life and nothing is ever going to change that. And how I’m fighting for you, and she won’t be able to stop me. And that I hope she understands that.“

Lisa was quiet in her defiance now as her eyes lingered everywhere except on Jennie. Her head still stuck on the first words the brunette blurted out.

“She hated us?” The blonde whispered.

If Jen seemed somewhat firm but disoriented earlier when she delivered the message, she was definitely crumbling now when she heard that sentence. Maybe because it felt like it’s an acknowledgement of an “us” that Jennie has tried to grasp for a long time. Or maybe it’s the use of the term hate – too strong but too real of a word that resonated.

“I don’t know! She said she loved you but she couldn’t imagine us being **_that_** way,” Jen despaired. “Lis—I never knew anything else, okay? I only knew of you. And of me. And of us. Nothing else. And she kept asking—”

Jen started breaking down and Lisa helplessly looked at her, unsure of how to be of any comfort, when the feeling of being abandoned by someone she also treated like family for years was only just starting to sink in.

“Am I a lesbian? I don’t know Lis, I only know I loved you more than anyone else. But I never actually thought of us as different. I just…”

Jennie’s weep echoed around the place, tightening Lisa’s chest a bit more.

“...I couldn’t believe that the person I loved my whole life couldn’t see how I could have loved another with my life even if you’re a woman. Lis, I never signed up to be a label – I never even prepared myself for a coming out. I only signed up to love you.”

The brunette’s hands kept wiping the tears on her face but she couldn’t seem to stop them from flowing.

“And maybe that’s my mistake for not knowing, but why did we have to be punished for it? She kept telling me it will be embarrassing for my relatives. I didn’t understand, Lili, I wasn’t ashamed of us but how was it any of their concern? She told me to grow out of my childhood crush, Lis, like our feelings were that insubstantial!”

Jen sobbed hard, heavier than Lisa has ever seen her do. The blonde didn’t notice that tears had already streaked through her cheeks until they dropped on her thigh.

“Did you know how painful it felt? That my mum was in between death and disappointment, and I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted?”

Lisa bit on her lip. She can only imagine how painful it must have felt but she’s coming up short.

She swallowed dejectedly, throat dry from the air that has been halting on her mouth.

“I could never understand how someone who’s already so physically weak could muster so much energy to tell me I would be an embarrassment, and that I should unlove you.” The Korean’s voice was strained but loud in its anguish. “Unlove you! Lis, she told me to unlove you like it’s a flick of a switch you can just do! Like you’re just a decision I can undo! How fucked up was that?!”

Jen’s knuckles paled as she clutched her own fingers tightly.

“I knew I would be telling her one day, but I imagined myself happy with you—not while she’s in so much pain and hopelessness of her fighting cancer and me having to choose between you and her!”

The revelations left Lisa feeling much more destitute. It told her abundantly how alone Jen was for a situation she then didn’t know how to figure out. For a situation that Jen never prepared herself for.

For a situation Jen thought love would be enough of an answer.

Lisa tentatively wrapped her arms around Jen, trying to comfort her while having torn feelings herself. She’s processing the overwhelming feeling of pain, but in a way that she’s realising it wasn’t hers to bear, yet she was a part of the major decisions that happened three years ago.

“You should have told me,” Lisa whispered. “We would have figured out something together.”

Jen looked at her incredulously, like she was told something that doesn’t make sense.

“Lis, I couldn’t tell you because you’re you. You’d drop anything for me and I couldn’t have that.” Jen asserted through her sniffles. “And you were insisting to be beside me the whole time. It killed me, Lis. It killed me how selfless you were. And I thought, I couldn’t ruin you. You’re the only perfect part of my life and everything was falling apart. Do you not understand that? I needed to save you, Lis.”

Lisa’s head hung low, staring at her toes as she fidgeted. She didn’t exactly know what to say, so the first thing that came to mind was to…weakly affirm things.

“Jen, it’s okay. I understand why you needed to break up with me, I—”

“I broke up with you because I felt like a coward. I couldn’t protect you.” She whispered harshly, pain dripping in her words as she started crying again. “I was so disappointed in myself, Lis. I loved you and yet I couldn’t fight for you. I was so worried about losing my mum that I got scared of standing up for you. I was trying to figure out a way to reconcile things on my own as I didn’t want you to end up hating her. But I lost you in the end.”

Something in Lisa broke then. Maybe it’s the sight of Jen being so weak in front of her and being heartfelt with her feelings now. Maybe it was the confession that she was as scared as Lisa was with everything. Maybe it was hearing that Jen was indeed fighting for her to the last minute.

Maybe it was realising Jen was hurting really bad and she’s the only one who could make it better.

Maybe it was realising Jen has tried hard on her end, and this was the part she needs to meet her halfway.

It was new, unstable information.

But it was the information she needed to hear.

She launched herself towards Jennie and cradled her. The brunette automatically climbed on her lap and cried harder on her shoulders, a full release of lament and grief for the past years and relief to be releasing all these things, all bottled up for years.

It felt heavy, realising that the person she was angry with for so long carried alone a huge burden just to protect her.

“I couldn’t hate her,” Lisa responded gently in Jen’s hair. “I couldn’t hate you.”

Jennie burrowed further unto her chest, sobbing more phrases of “I’m sorry” than Lisa could count. She hushed the girl but she continued sobbing.

“I’m sorry – I’m so sorry, Lili, I should have protected you more—” Jennie’s cheeks are now wet with both their tears. “I will be better for you. I’m sorry.”

“Shhhh. You’re perfect. It’s okay. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry, Lis. I’m sorry you had to know this way. I’m sorry I—”

Lisa cut through the girl’s sobs reassuringly, her fingers running through Jennie’s scalp trying to soothe the girl. The repetitive strokes felt like Lisa was soothing herself, too, so they both stayed that way, clinging on and trying to relieve each other with what little tranquility left between them. When the girl finally calmed and the sobs came fewer and far in between, Lisa tilted Jennie’s chin and placed a soft kiss.

It was meant to be chaste, a short comforting brush of the lips.

But their tired bodies gave way and they just wanted to stop fighting and putting up defences and stop resisting and just…be. And with the way the last hour has been taunting Lisa’s emotions about how much she has missed Jen and how much she realised she meant to the brunette, she was finally ready to open up.

Their kisses grew deeper, needier, more desperate. They kiss in between Jen’s murmurs of ‘please’ and ‘I’m sorry’ like both were trying to eradicate the hurt they’ve given each other.

Every gasp of breath, they dive in again like kissing was air. Lisa’s hands pulled the Korean’s body tighter, closing every gap they could. Her heart was throbbing for everything Jen was and everything she could and couldn’t give.

For every bit of her she has loved in the past and she knows she will still love fiercer moving forward.

“I can’t hate you,” Lisa sighed on Jennie’s lips. “I can never hate you, can’t you see that?”

And they kiss again, deeper and relentless this time.

And they kiss again in between Jen’s murmurs of ‘I love you.’

And they kiss again knowing they both wanted to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> There was a time friends and I were discussing how AUs are an escape for most folks and I strongly believe in that. However, I also strongly believe in representation.
> 
> When I initially wrote TATGILB and I was still quite unaware of what the general plotline would be, I wasn't sure I'd be including a plotline that includes homophobia. But in as much as we're all using fanfics and AUs to escape (and I have significantly written stories that are not dealing with those themes) I thought it was about time to write something like this in. People have already been leaving comments about how my characters' pain are very much the same in real life, so I wanted to see my characters struggle with something that is also very real: dealing with coming out, dealing with your own confusion, dealing with families that may have been at some point oppressive to who you are.
> 
> I wish to say it gets better. To some, it does. As I said in the previous chapter, not everyone gets their own gay/lesbian fairytale. I'm still hoping for a future that it will be the same for everyone.
> 
> But know that we're here, fighting with you, if you're ever feeling alone. This is for you who's looking for a part of you in the bedtime stories we read. You're valid.


	34. // TATGILB: Chapter 30

**A few days after**

Lisa stayed that night.

And even the day after.

And when she felt it wasn’t enough, she even called in sick on Monday.

The slate grey duvet hugged her skin well, embedding Jennie’s scent on hers. The girl’s warmth – the warmth she has dreamt about having again for more than three years – still felt overwhelming as she woke up to Jen’s body pressed up against hers, with only her loose shirt, Jen’s camisole, and underwears between them. The Korean’s face snuggled close to her neck, the warmth of her breathing tickling her skin.

It was seldom that Jen would squeeze her face on Lisa’s body. Often she wants Lisa’s body on her back as she feels more secure that way when they’re spooning, but on the moments she’s nestled on the crook of her neck usually means she’s extra vulnerable.

And the past few days definitely explained why.

She pretended to be asleep as she felt Jennie stretch a little and sniff loudly, looking around the bed. She could feel Jennie squinting through her closed eyes, before she snuggled her face back on Lisa’s neck again, breathing loudly through her nose after finding her position.

Her arm looped around Lisa’s body, tentative fingers finding itself inside her shirt and running her palm on her back.

It was a small contact that set Lisa off to a delicious soft moan, too early in the morning.

“I knew you were awake,” The warmth of Jen’s breath contributed to her unease.

“I had to send a message to my teams that I’m staying in,” Lisa’s low bedroom voice sent delicious shivers to the brunette. “I haven’t slept since then.”

“Mmmhm, I would have thought it was because you were getting a reaction with me touching you like this,” Jen then slid her palm to the side of her body, kneading softly on her ribs. Her nude thighs softly stroking against her own naked legs, touch slightly modest but enough to stoke the yearning within.

Lisa chuckled but moved away from her a little, trying to pace the morning. She’d be lying if she wasn’t at all turned on, but she had other needs she had to address: emotional being one of them.

They still haven’t really talked about things and she didn’t want her libido getting the best of her.

“Do you want me to make you breakfast?” Lisa diverted, her eyes focused on Jennie’s collarbone. But her jaw was pulled up to look at a pair of cat-like eyes.

“Ow,” Jen hissed as she pulled back on her hand. Lisa grabbed her hand confusedly, inspecting Jen’s palm.

“Are you okay?” She worriedly assessed Jen but found instead a teasing look on her face.

“Just got cut by your jawline there,” She placed soft, playful kisses under Lisa’s jaw. “You better be careful of this, might you cut some glass.”

Lisa’s eyes rolled as she groaned when she realised Jen’s refusing to let her off the teasing, but she allowed herself to feel a little mushy – it’s been a long time since she heard something cheesy from Jen.

It felt...warm. And nice.

“I should cook you more food,” Jen’s hands kneaded through her belly much like a cat with soft paws. One of her fingers hooked on her underwear, teasing on Lisa’s hip. “You’ve lost weight here in Korea, although I can’t deny I love the definition on your jaws and hip bone.”

“Would have been nice if it always turns you on,” Lisa pouted cutely, before grinning. But she was met with Jen’s intense stare.

“Hey,” Jen’s hand cupped her jaw tight to make her look at her eyes. “You turn me on every time. Never failed. No one else. You know that.”

Lisa felt a little nervous. She never thought about having to deal with these things so early in the morning.

“Lisa,” Jen husked when she didn’t respond. Her hand cradled to Lisa’s jaw. “Lisa, you’re it for me, you know that, right? No one else fucking comes close. No one holds a candle to you.”

Lisa remained quiet, but she leaned on Jen’s hand, nuzzling unto her palm. When she looked up at Jen, her eyes were a bit hesitant.

While she gave in to staying over Jen’s apartment the past few days, this kind of closeness made her feel like it’s going to push her further into something they’re both not ready for.

They just got over the discussion about a homophobic parent, to be fair to Lisa.

Homophobic. The word was a splash of cold water.

Suddenly all of the emotions of the past three days came crashing down on the blonde. It suddenly made her completely vulnerable, hearing Jen saying these words to her and yet she still doesn’t feel as deserving.

Now that she heard Jen’s side of the story, the glaring truth was that she left the girl alone in pain while Lisa pettily held on to her hurt for so long.

“I’m sorry.”

Jen’s eyebrows furrowed. “For what, baby?”

“I’m sorry for not being there for you,” Lisa’s voice slightly trembled. “I’m sorry for being angry at you for years. I’m sorry for being petty--”

“No, Lili, you weren’t being petty. Please, don’t--”

“But I was! I kept punishing ourselves when this whole time you needed me!”

“Baby,” Jen sat up and pulled Lisa to face her. Her hands grabbed tight the blonde’s trembling fingers. “What you felt was valid. We both made mistakes. I left you in the dark for three years, and I deserved your hate towards me--”

“I didn’t hate you.”

“I deserved it. And I know if I told you without the two of us being fully ready, we were going to make irreversible mistakes that would pile up on top of the other and I didn’t want that to happen.”

“I could have gone home sooner.”

“I know, baby,” Jen’s right hand cradled her jaw. “And that’s what I’m afraid of. You would have missed out on a lot of opportunities for me if you did.”

Lisa paused for a bit, her forehead slowly creasing. Her face scrunched up into this unreadable expression.

She moved away from Jennie.

“Do you really believe that?”

Jen cocked her head a little. “Believe what?”

“That I wouldn’t have found other ways to be successful while I was by your side?”

Jen’s mouth opened to speak, then closed again. She’s clearly trying to work the words in her head but struggling.

“Lis, it’s not that--” Jennie’s fingers dug hard on her palm as she clenched her hands tight. “Lis, it’s never that. I just didn’t want to ruin your future.”

Lisa’s brows furrowed harder. Jennie’s starting to panic now, realising she’s not saying the right words.

“Lis, you had the best opportunities then. You worked so hard to get there--”

Lisa heatedly raised up a finger to stop her rambling.

“And I still would have made it happen and be there for you! Do you not trust me?”

“Lisa, it’s not that I don’t,” Jen’s hand flew up to run her fingers through her hair in frustration. “But if I could make sure I could protect you, I would do it for you!”

Lisa bit on her lower lip, her face falling into this mild despair.

This was it. This was the discussion they were skirting around the past few days: sure, Jen unburdened her pain and Lisa learned of her shortcomings. The whys of the past have been aired, and they’ve already uncovered the wounds that never fully healed.

But their discussions felt more like it was just addressing the hurt and presenting none of the solutions. They’ve finally ripped off their 3-year old band-aids but haven’t exactly answered the question of how to not repeat the past.

Lisa sighed heavily.

She hated it, but Jisoo was right.

“Jen, this can’t work.”

Jen froze.

The dread and tension between them were so thick you could practically cut it with a knife.

“Lis? What do you mean?”

Lisa’s brows furrowed deeper, her eyes unfocused.

“Lis?”

There’s obvious panic in Jen’s voice now. She’s not sure exactly where it started going wrong. A hand shot up towards Lisa’s jaw and cradled it, but the way her molars gritted felt as stubborn as the Lisa she met for the first time in Korea months ago.

The same Lisa that felt like closing her walls again.

“Lis, what’s wrong?” Jen’s tone was higher and pleading now. The alarm in her eyes was obvious, worried about losing Lisa again. They’ve already gone through a lot. It can’t possibly be for nothing.

“I can’t do this,” Lisa responded. She swallowed hard, “I want to love you. I want to be your partner, Jen. But…”

Jen's eyes started to water, worried about the dreaded next words.

“I don’t know how to be.”

Jen’s gaze looked extremely lost.

“What do you mean?”

Lisa licked on her lower lip.

“I think Jisoo’s right. We never set expectations on how we should be together,” She watched as a tear rolled on Jen’s cheek. “Because if you keep deciding for me, if you keep telling me what’s good for me without sitting down and discussing things with me, then this is not the relationship I thought it to be.”

“Lis, I--”

“No, Jen, you can’t tell me you were worried about me missing out on opportunities if I didn’t go home. I get it. You tried to ‘save’ me by making sure I go through my internship. But what good did it do us? It gave us three years apart, Jen. Three years of pain, of irreversible damage. Of insecurities. All because we didn’t talk about things and assumed decisions for each other!”

“Lili, you have to understand, I panicked--”

“Jen, there will be a lot of things in the future that we will panic about. And we can’t keep deciding on things thinking we’re rescuing the other. I know we’ve grown up together and you kept trying to look after me. I understand that. Maybe it was my fault that I made you feel like you always needed to take care of me, of my fights. This isn’t like…” Lisa gulped, trying to control her brain to not go into overdrive. “Like...I don’t know, like Cheol-soo. Or like any of my high school bullies. This isn’t the playground nor is it high school anymore, Jen. You can’t always try to save me.”

Jen’s breath hitched. Cheol-soo’s name automatically triggered a defensive reaction on her, and for a moment, she started to realise what Lisa’s trying to point out.

“Jennie, we’re far from our childhood now. We’re supposed to be in this together, we’re supposed to be each other’s pillars. It’s not about you constantly trying to be my rock and me constantly getting lost when you suddenly crumble. That’s not how I want us, Jen.”

Lisa’s breath chased after her emotions. She has a lot more to say in her mind but it felt enough. She articulated it enough.

“Jennie, do you understand?” Lisa’s wisps of soft voice pushed volumes to the tears that were falling on Jen’s cheeks. “Do you understand why I can’t do this?”

A few seconds of silence. The sounds of Seoul which faded in the background now started to envelop them, almost like an insensitive reminder that life moves on, despite them being stuck in the past.

A soft whisper escaped the Korean’s shaking lips.

“Then what do you want?”

The sound of the sheets ruffling as Lisa shifted closer was louder than Jen’s soft sobs. Lisa took a deep breath. Jen’s face fell a little, expecting the worst.

The blonde’s palms wrapped around the Korean’s face, pulling in her gaze.

“I want us to be partners.”

Jen’s stare was unstable under Lisa’s eyes. The blonde’s lips locked on a tight line was a stark contrast to the brunette’s shaking lips.

Lisa licked her lips before she continued in a hushed tone.

“And that means a long term future of us together, looking after each other that’s based on more open communication and not figuring things out alone.”

Jen released more tears, this time with a little relief.

“I will try harder to not avoid tackling things head-on and letting my emotions get the best of me. You can try harder to decide less for us and involve me in our decisions. It will be hard work, but we will try.”

Lisa’s thumbs wiped the girl’s tears carefully.

“Do you understand? I love you, but I don’t think I can love you anymore as I have done in the past. We’ve had a good run, but I want to stop re-reading our old chapters and move to new things together.”

Lisa’s right hand softly stroked Jennie’s neck, slowly down to her shoulders. She stopped at Jennie’s upper chest, right where her heart is.

Lisa pressed her palm there, lovingly.

“I want to love us differently, this time. I don’t want to keep holding on to the old you. I want to look forward to a new you and a new me, together and equal. Partners.”

Jennie held her breath as her eyes looked down on Lisa’s hand on her heart. The flush of her skin was beautiful against Lisa’s unsteady palm.

“Can we do that?” Lisa whispered.

A fresh set of tears flowed through Jen’s eyes before she nodded fervently. Lisa bent down and softly kissed her forehead. She lingered there, waiting for the Korean’s sobs to soften. Letting herself get lost in the smell of Jen’s hair to hush her own aching heart. Feeling the movement of her lover’s chest as it slowly eased into a trusting calm.

She lingered there, letting her lips listen to Jennie’s heart through her skin, finding a soothing confirmation in this quiet between them.

They’re okay.

They’re gonna be okay.

Everything’s gonna be okay.

Without her lips leaving Jennie’s skin, she affirmed this feeling the best way how. Through soft but unwavering confirmation, from her jaded but surviving heart to her bruised but enduring lover’s heart:

“I love you.”

Her lips moved to place soft kisses all over Jen’s face.

“I love you.”

Her eyes. Her eyebrows.

“I love you,” Jen breathed unto her shoulder.

Her cheeks. Her nose.

“I love you.”

She couldn’t stop herself in her lip’s adoration of her lover, kissing the tears away as the Korean felt small and vulnerable in her arms, exchanging whispered “I love yous”. And when her lips finally found her lover’s own, she couldn’t help herself even as she started with careful, tentative kisses, that she got propelled into a deeper and more passionate caress, both of them demanding for more of each other.

Lisa may have been careful the past few days about them having sex before they were both emotionally ready, but she couldn’t deny that she needed this, too. She needed to feel the brunette, be affirmed of her touches. Be told that she wants her like she still wants Jen, too. Be touched like they could heal each other again.

She knew she’s asking for too much.

But Lisa felt helpless when her body took over for her, grabbing the Korean hard and her nails etching on her pale lover’s back a little too deep. Her lips moved to dominate the brunette’s mouth, realising she was parched.

“Wait, Lis,” Jennie murmured in between hungry kisses, then placed her palms on the Thai’s shoulders to gently push her back. “Lili, baby.”

When Lisa wouldn’t stop, Jen had to pull back. “Come here,” she ushered, reaching for the blonde to pull her up in front of her and locking her legs around her body.

Lisa’s eyes were a little hazy. “What? Why did we stop?”

Jen locked her palms on the blonde’s jaws to align their gazes. She looked at her with adoring but tentative eyes, thumbs trying to soothe her cheeks.

“Lis, slow down,” Jen whispered carefully, each word punctuated by a confirmation. “I’m not going anywhere.”

When her gaze cleared a little, Lisa saw herself in her lover’s eyes and finally realised what Jen must be seeing: a wide-eyed, apprehensive, wounded lover who was trying to get as much of Jennie to soothe her pains even if they were just declaring their love to each other earlier.

That this might now be their current reality: that even if they feel okay, the blonde would always feel a little apprehensive and constantly take what she can when she can, like an old habit. There’s still the pain and panic in Lisa to hastily seize the moment just in case it leaves her again.

Because she doesn’t know if she’d ever live through another heartbreak.

“Hey,” Jen hushed, a finger pulling her chin up. “If you’re not ready, it’s completely okay. I just don’t want to rush having you. I want to take my time with you.”

\--

From there Lisa realised, as they slowly peeled the clothes off of each other, that Lisa’s heart had always heard the Korean uniquely.

When she was younger, her heart knew young Ruby Jane differently. Every smile, every laugh, every teasing the girl did, her heart heard them distinctively as they grew in her and declared the girl as her first love.

When they shed their childhood skins and came back as young adults, every single thing Jennie offered sounded like it was building up to the girl of her teenage dreams. The girl who couldn’t do any wrong in her eyes despite the hurt they’ve gone through. The girl who didn’t promise anything but her heart held on to when she hugged Lisa through the first snow, the warmth in their skin affirming they’ll be together for a long time.

And it is perhaps this promise that broke Lisa’s heart when they’ve grown into adults and navigated the complexity of life and found themselves drowning despite their seemingly perfect relationship, as Jen suddenly left her and got away from her grasp. But even in her pining, Lisa’s heart refused to hear anything else, stubbornly holding on to the concept of Jen coming back to save her.

But now...in older bodies weathered by their past and perhaps a little bit wiser this time, it felt different.

The adoration and constantly putting Jennie on a pedestal has been pushed back. Jennie was no longer the person she wanted to achieve, like a dream or a prize of her life. She was no longer like an idol who could do no wrong in her eyes.

In the past 6 months (and maybe the 3 years leading up to those months) despite the hurt they’ve inflicted each other, maybe Lisa ultimately learned what loving Jennie Ruby Jane Kim this time meant. That it wasn’t about dogging after her, it wasn’t about waiting for her to happen. It wasn’t about trying to relive the good old times.

It was about loving Jennie as she was: a woman who can be strong at times but jaded often; could never promise to never hurt her but could also love her through her hurt; less of a romanticised version of her in her head and more of what she really was, flaws and all: human.

As Lisa peeled her own shirt away, her heart beat faster, the girl’s words still ringing in her ears when she said “I want to take my time with you.”

Because this time, all she was hearing was, “I would stay.”

And this time, she knows it’s exactly what she wants from Jennie: that no matter what happens, no matter what the future holds, she’ll be there to stay for a long time, to figure things out together with Lisa.

Together.

Jennie’s gasp called her back to the moment.

She took a second to gaze at Jennie’s near-naked body, commiting each part of her to memory.

Lisa gulped. Her body still knew how to respond to Jennie’s, even after years of being apart. Yet in front of her sat a woman whose skin looked a little paler than she remembered as her fingers slowly traced the new freckles on her shoulders towards the mole that sat on the Korean’s collarbone. Jennie’s still as soft as she recalled, or maybe even more.

A woman whose breasts seemed fuller than before, as her hands explored around her ample form from her side. As she made her way to Jennie’s midsection, the pads of her fingers kneaded softly on her curves, age adding more shape in the right places. She carefully pushed the brunette down towards the pillows, softly moulding her body on top of her.

Jennie seemed to be lost in doing the same as her own hands travelled through Lisa’s shoulders, her fingers carefully scratching her long toned arms. She slowly trailed on Lisa’s chest and grazed her nipples with only her fingertips.

Lisa moaned, lost in the way her every cell felt alive and clamoured for more.

Lisa’s hands skimmed the Korean’s bare thigh and her eyes glazed a little, her mouth-watering from the way her thumb ran through the silky feel of Jennie’s legs as it wrapped around her impatiently. Her fingers travelled close to her crotch and she feels it, the heat that’s pooling on the girl’s panties. She sat on her knees and pulled the cloth away from her lover’s body, then proceeded to massage her upper thighs, her nails marking around her hips that triggered a delicious gasp from Jennie.

Almost like muscle memory, their hands knew where to touch and where to knead to set both of them on fire.

It felt very familiar, yet, exhilarating.

It felt like falling in love with a completely different person.

Lisa couldn’t stop herself. She was impatient to taste her lover’s newness, but she climbed up again, leaving the best taste for last. Jennie gave a little cry as her mouth went to the girl’s earlobe, capturing it with her lips and nipping softly, before treading soft kisses on her neck, sucking on the skin where her neck and shoulders meet.

“You are so much more beautiful than I remember,” Lisa murmured on her skin.

The brunette’s body tensed and pushed her nipples towards hers. It set Lisa further unravelling, stoking the ache in her stronger. Her hand pulled on her lover’s waist and removed all the spaces between them, their bare skins scorching each other.

“You feel so much better than I remember,” Lisa husked, and a small tear streaked through Jen’s skin as she closed her eyes hard and nodded as she whispered back to her ear, “You, too, baby. I miss feeling us.”

Jen’s arms wrapped her desperately and Lisa gasped, giving in to her entirely.

She has forgotten...how complete she felt in Jennie’s arms.

It was undeniably the language they understood the most.

Jennie curved Lisa towards the bed as she carefully kissed her. Her soft mouth refused to be disregarded despite the gentleness on her licks, softly nipping the blonde’s lower lip.

Lisa couldn’t help a moan escape her throat. The kisses they’ve shared the past few months have always been fierce if not callous that she has almost forgotten what it’s like to have Jennie’s tender and adoring lip caresses.

Lisa couldn’t stop herself as she closed her eyes tight. She was awash with so many emotions spending long and lonely years yearning for this moment again, and now that she’s in her arms, she still couldn’t get enough of her. Jennie’s lips automatically travelled through Lisa’s curves, taking in her scent for every inch she has kissed. Lisa could feel the build-up between her legs and she’s ready, but Jennie was still taking her time.

She couldn’t stop herself when she pleaded. “Jennie, please, I need to feel you in me.”

Jennie looked up to her with half-lidded eyes as she placed kisses on her abdomen.

“Okay, baby,” She murmured, desire fuelling her every touch. She pulled the Thai’s underwear away and was about to go down on her when Lisa’s hand quickly grabbed Jennie’s shoulder, then hesitated.

“Yes, Lili?” The dark in Jen’s eyes didn’t diminish, but her gaze softened a little.

Lisa was tentative, but her body couldn’t stop what it needed.

“I need you close to me right now,” She whispered. “Please. Hold me.”

And Jen understood as she nodded, then climbed back up to meet Lisa’s lips. Her arm wrapped around the blonde’s in a hug as her other arm caressed the nakedness of her body. Lisa’s body tingled as Jen’s hardened nipples ran against her own. It has been too long - way too long since she had been adored and wrapped in affection like this.

She gasped against Jen’s mouth as she felt her lover’s fingers play around her wetness, tracing small circles around her clit. She was almost suffocated by desire and she couldn’t help herself when her hand grabbed Jen’s arm and pulled her hips closer, the girl’s fingers rubbing deliciously through the length of her slit a few times before she tried to push Jen’s arms further in, wanting her fingers inside.

Jen heeded to her impatience as she comfortably slid two fingers inside, then garnered a delectable gasp from Lisa when she easily slid a third finger in. Lisa was suddenly heady from all the sensations and feeling so amazingly full that her body went rigid. Ecstasy crashed through her in unrelenting waves, their burning skins rubbing on each other reminding her how bared she was. Exposed.

This didn’t feel just sex, it felt like an urgent need to take and give; a susceptibility to sensations that didn’t just take her body, it took her heart too.

Love. It felt like making love.

And Lisa felt vulnerable, but as Jennie’s body cradled her and pushed her towards her orgasm, for the first time in a long time, she felt safe.

“Take your time,” Jennie whispered through her mouth as her fingers curled upwards, sliding in and out of her wetness. “Just feel me. Just feel us.”

And again, her treacherous heart heard Jennie differently as it murmured “I would stay.”

But as her orgasm took her and Jennie tightened her hold on the blonde, never letting go for a while, she found that she didn’t mind if her heart read Jennie differently again.

This time, she knew her heart read the truth.


	35. // TATGILB: Chapter 31

**Late 2023 (less than a month after)**

“You’re Jen’s plus one, right?”

If Lisa could count the number of times she stiffened tonight due to that question, she would have laughed at how indicative it was of how confined they feel in South Korea. At any given time in New York, she would be comfortable with anyone potentially indicating they’re either curious or aware that she’s bisexual or at least an indication that she was Jen’s partner then, but now in South Korea it’s like being back to their high school memories and closeted tendencies.

Not that she even bothered hiding in South Korea since she arrived, really, but she wasn’t sure exactly what Jen had announced, or even NOT announced. And company politics was all about perfect images and massive power play, especially in a corporate evening like this, a gala where most of the consultants in Jen’s company are present.

Something Lisa knew about, because she has used that same power play to her advantage as the New York-educated forward-thinking Creative Director of their agency. The foreigners love her, the kids look up to her, and those who have an opinion...well, let’s just say at the risk of being labelled a homophobe and ruining their careers, they’ve wisely shut their mouths.

Lisa carefully studied the Korean guy who just slid beside her from out of nowhere. Perfectly tailored coat, slicked-back hair, skin that had a slight roughness to it that wasn’t as common with the pearl-skinned faces of the younger Seoul locals: undeniably every bit the prototype of a banker or a strategy guy from Korea.

Such a good thing she thought to dress up when Jen asked her to accompany her to their company event. Her tall stilettos put her eye to eye with the guy, and her lace mid-sleeve slim-cut black dress may seem demure on the surface but enhanced all her features as she subconsciously straightened herself, ready for another round of superficial socials.

“Yes, I’m Lisa Manoban. You are?”

The guy warmly and courteously accepted Lisa’s outstretched hand. It threw her off a little.

“Ben Lee, nice to meet you. I worked with Jen in the New York offices before.”

That explains his accented Korean, though it still doesn’t explain the warmth in his demeanour. Lisa was used to egotistic predatory charm, having had her share of introductions from other men who approached her while she was alone tonight.

“Ah, a co-townie,” Lisa replied, now with a slightly easy smile as she switched to her accented New York English. She often did whenever she met anyone from New York, like a discovered secret comrade of some sort. “I studied in NYU myself.” And when it felt a little inadequate, Lisa immediately followed up with: “Jen’s a childhood friend.”

It felt like a relatively acceptable and easy answer – not exactly a lie, but not fully the truth either. And she has been giving pretty much different variations of the same answer tonight.

The problem started when Lisa looked like a deer caught in headlights right after the initial rounds of introductions when the blonde realised that she and Jen haven’t exactly talked about how to approach their status in Korea. Jen took one look at her and realised that she’s in panic, then gracefully introduced Lisa to her managers as ‘Lisa Manoban, the prodigious Rankin and Leibovitz intern who’s now one of the youngest Creative Directors for one of the top creative agencies in Seoul.’ 

It was a polite, thoughtful introduction and no one asked anything, but it still felt a little off especially if someone recognised Lisa and knew of her strong reputation. They’re in a function that could jeopardise Jen’s career if they got attached with a somewhat scandalous status, and all Lisa could do was buy time until she gets Jen alone to explain this situation.

So much for their first month of being ‘partners’ and ‘communicating and meeting halfway.’ Lisa internally grimaced when the word ‘friend’ left her mouth.

“Oh,” Ben’s eyebrows formed a deep v on his forehead. “Friend?”

“Yeah. Why?” Lisa cocked her head questioningly, a little alarmed. Was Ben familiar with her?

Ben shook his head, a small smile on his face as his eyebrows moved back to a friendlier stance before motioning to Jen standing amicably with some of the firm’s partners huddled a few tables away. The partners whisked her off earlier for a private discussion and barely let go of her, leaving Lisa alone to finish her wine. 

Lisa didn’t mind. She loved watching Jennie in her element, something she didn’t get to experience while they were in New York. It awed her to observe her partner in action; although entrenched in a mix of middle-aged locals and Europeans and Americans, Jennie held her own, looking splendid in an elegant deep blue slim fit cocktail dress that fell on her curves quite well.

“Sorry, I thought you were Jen’s girlfriend. She kept talking about her a lot back in New York that it just made sense to think she’d be the plus one.”

Lisa slowly peeled her gaze from Jen. “Girlfriend?”

“Yeah. I just don’t remember her name but in the months Jen was there she would tell me about how she was even planning to save up for a vacation in Switzerland for them.”

A knot formed at the pit of Lisa’s stomach. Switzerland?

“Then again, if you’re just friends, I’m surprised no one tried snapping you up yet,” Ben scrunched up his nose cutely. It made Lisa smile politely, still wary of this guy and what he’s trying to do. “Guys here in Korea are goddamn sharks beneath their glass-skin exteriors.”

“Aren’t you a Korean yourself?”

“Hey,” Ben raised his hands in playful protest. “I’m a New Yorker, excuse you. I have manners.”

Lisa couldn’t help herself and shared a giggle with Ben behind her glass of wine. 

“Are you trying to steal my date, Lee Benedict?”

Jen was sauntering across the floor towards them now, a glass of half-empty champagne in one hand, and a sexy smirk on her lips. She regarded Lisa with thoughtful eyes as if to ask, ‘are you okay?’ although it felt more like an affirmation as her playful look didn’t show anything about Ben as a threat.

“Just about, Jen, just about. Could have given me only less than a minute more and I would have swept her off her feet.”

Jen snorted but opened her arms for a quick welcoming hug for the other Korean.

“Nice to see you again, Benny.”

“I can’t say the same, Jennie. I don’t exactly miss my competition back there.” Ben flashed her a charming smile, and for a bit, Lisa’s heart ached at how good they looked together.

If things were different, Jennie would have been with a similarly beautiful guy, and the world would rejoice to have another beautiful couple amongst them. Mrs. Kim would have been so proud of a son in law like Ben.

Lisa’s smile waned. Mrs. Kim would never be proud of them as a couple. They would never be that beautiful couple the society would rejoice to.

The Thai couldn’t help it as she finished the wine on her glass in one sip, drowning those suffocating thoughts down. 

“Same, but I’m sure Mr. Shin back there would pay good bucks to have you transfer out here in Seoul. We need stronger headed folks around here.”

“Well, good thing this party is for his retirement then.”

The two of them chuckled, with Lisa’s lips smiling politely to mirror Ben’s charismatic grin. He nodded at Lisa approvingly.

“Your friend Lisa here is quite a charmer, by the way,” Ben licked his lips before they formed into another playful smirk. “I thought she was the girlfriend you were talking about, actually.”

A shadow of nervousness cast on Jen’s face as she carefully assessed Lisa’s reaction, before answering cautiously.

“She…was. Is.”

Ben looked at Lisa curiously before looking back again at Jen lightly.

Lisa felt a tentative touch on her palms, then Jen’s fingers slowly made its way in between Lisa’s own, pausing midway, waiting. When Lisa didn’t respond immediately, Jen took it upon herself to expound.

“We’re…taking it slow.”

Lisa released a quiet sigh. While she’s a little surprised about tonight, she’s glad Jennie was considering her feelings with a relatively safe answer instead of just taking over for her again. It was an answer that put them in a relatively soft light, without needing to prompt for more details they’re both not ready for.

Lisa slowly clasped Jen’s hand as a silent answer, appreciative. Suppose they’re slowly learning how to be partners, meeting halfway.

Jen stared at their closely clasped hands for a second, with Lisa realising this might have been the first time she has held Jen’s hand in general public since they made up. She saw Jen’s lips quiver before she looked at Lisa and shyly smiled.

Ben huffed and rolled his eyes theatrically.

“God, you gays are fucking dramatic,” A waiter passed by with a few flutes of champagne from which Ben deftly took one. “Thank Christ, I’m not nearly drunk enough for this. ‘We’re taking it slow,’ my ass. You guys were shacking up in New York for fucks sake.”

Lisa laughed at Ben’s crassness. She quickly understood why Jen took to the guy pleasantly.

“Gotta give it to you, though, Jennie. I mean of course the prettiest girl in the room is your date.” Ben tipped his champagne a bit towards Jennie, then he looked at Lisa warmly. “You’re a beautiful couple.”

**_Beautiful couple_ ** **_._ **

Lisa bit on her lower lip as she felt a flush on her neck.

Suppose things didn’t **_have_** to be different.

Suppose they could be **_that beautiful couple_** amongst these beautiful people.

“Thanks, Ben.” Lisa tried to answer playfully, but the croak in her voice betrayed her. Ben didn’t react to it though, distractedly eyeing one of the managers on another table.

“Let me leave you two love birds here, I gotta schmooze up to Ilsung for a bit. Great to meet you, Lisa. Make Jen bring you to our catch up before I fly back to New York next week, yes?”

Lisa nodded. Jen slowly let go of Lisa’s hand to give him a quick light squeeze before he took off.

The Thai found her long fingers curving longingly back on her palm, already missing the absence.

Jen slid back beside her and they stood there in comfortable silence, watching the crowd as some of them started moving towards the middle, dancing to the live band. The chatters droned with the music; flashy wives of the managers and partners mulling about; some locals keeping to themselves; others already inebriated. It was a classic corporate scene unfolding.

There was obvious contemplation on Lisa’s face when she quietly asked:

“Switzerland, huh?”

“Hmm?”

“Ben told me you talked about saving up to bring your girlfriend to Switzerland.” 

The Korean’s shoulders shrugged, a small smile on her face.

“Why?” Lisa placed her empty wine glass on the table just behind them. She faced the ballroom again. “I’ve been there multiple times. We could have gone somewhere else.”

“I wanted to make up for the fact that you started spending summers in Switzerland when we were young because of me. I thought you could show me how you spent it as a kid. Make new memories, you know?”

Lisa nudged Jennie with her shoulders. 

“You’re such a sap.”

A playful grin graced Jen’s lips. “You love it.”

Lisa scoffed at her remark good-naturedly. Another wave of silence took them, although Lisa’s eyebrows twitched in thought after a few minutes before frowning.

“Your New York office knew you had a girlfriend?”

Jen glanced at her thoughtfully, before looking back at the crowd.

“Yes, including the teams here.”

Lisa’s face had an obvious surprise.

“Even here in Korea?”

Jen nodded. Lisa took a second to take things in.

“I’m surprised. I thought you might have lay low about those things.”

“Is that why you looked panicked earlier?”

Lisa nodded. “I realised late that we didn’t discuss how you would introduce me and I worried about accidentally outing you to your colleagues.”

“Yeah, they all knew I had a partner. The teams here knew I didn't date because I was still in love with my ex. They knew I was planning to move to the US for you.” 

“Oh,” Lisa bit on her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I thought you hid your relationship status so I told everyone I was your childhood friend.”

Lisa felt the resignation on Jen’s heavy look.

“I never thought we were anything I had to hide, Lili. My mother’s acceptance may have been one thing, but I was fairly sure of what I felt for you and I never intended to hide that.”

Lisa’s jaw tensed. Hearing that from Jen felt surreal, like a missive stuck in a bottle found in the middle of an ocean. To hear it years after almost felt like a footnote at the end of a long painful novel that you almost didn’t have the energy for.

Lisa chewed on her lip. “I…didn't know.”

Jennie quietly studied the blonde, looking like she was contemplating her next words. 

“Would it have mattered if you knew it then?” Jennie whispered after a few moments.

“I don’t know,” The words left Lisa unsurely. She thought about the times she felt unstable in their relationship; those times she felt she was dispensable. It was so easy to slip into a puddle of insecurity when she never got those affirmations from Jennie then.

But then again, would it have been enough?

Lisa shook her head. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

But somehow, Lisa knew. It would have helped to know how sure Jennie was of her, sure, but ultimately Jennie and Lisa needed to go through things to understand exactly what they meant to each other. They needed to hurt to understand how to no longer repeat the past and learn to be better.

Jennie carefully held Lisa’s troubled stare.

“I think we spent way too much time reviewing our pains in our heads, alone,” Jen’s hand found Lisa’s again, and the latter felt overwhelmed with the feeling of both calm and a flush of heat coursing through every inch of skin Jennie’s fingers touched. “Maybe it’s time we always tell each other how we really feel.”

Some of the couples dancing on the floor were replaced by others. Some of them started to move closer as the band slowly transitioned to a song Lisa’s very familiar with.

“You’re right,” Lisa asserted after some silence from them. The latter looked at her, confused.

“What?”

Lisa pulled a deep breath, as if preparing herself for her next steps. 

“I said you’re right. We should always tell each other what we really feel.” She slowly extended their hands, still intertwined. “Dance with me, Kim.”

The Korean could feel the tremble of Lisa’s hand. She took a beat to hesitate, looking around critically before checking with Lisa. It was not about the Korean’s comfort, but rather the Thai’s when Jennie asked: “Are you sure?”

Lisa nodded and walked backward, eyes still trained on hers.

Jennie shyly smiled, before she stepped towards the blonde.

“I’d love to.”

\--

This time, they weren’t unsure.

This time, as Lisa led Jen to the middle of the dance floor and gracefully circled her, one arm around Jen’s waist and the other holding Jen’s hand near her chest, they both eased into a memory they both longed to remember.

**_At last, my love has come along_ **

They didn’t have to move in sync. Their bodies did it for them, calling to each other like it used to, moulding into each other like the curves of a long-forgotten puzzle that recalled how to fit. Jennie eased into Lisa’s warmth just as Lisa lost herself in Jen's brown eyes, the way they both used to, hundreds of thousands of times in the past.

**_My heart was wrapped up clover the night I looked at you_ **

They have soon forgotten the bodies around them, despite having that initial excitement of doing something as bold as being the only two women dancing on the floor. They didn’t really care to be two women who braved a social stigma.

They were just…them.

**_I found a dream that I could speak to_ **

**_A dream that I can call my own_ **

Lisa leaned on Jennie’s forehead, both of them eyes closed, wishing the moment went on forever. Jennie’s soft perfume continued to entrance her; filling her again with all the memories of a soft Jennie Kim the past few weeks as she hugged her through those nights and Lisa was assured of her love, unceasing and steady.

She felt it again, as Jennie met her in the middle; as Jen reached out to affirm her; but also as Lisa finally let go of the final shackles of her insecurities.

And this time she throbs – oh how her heart throbs – but no longer of pain, just this massive yearning for a feeling she’s not ready to let go, not when she just got it, not when she just got Jennie back.

So she did what she thought she had to do to tell Jen how she really feels.

**_You smiled, you smiled oh and then the spell was cast_ **

Lisa ran a finger softly upwards of the girl’s neck as she tilted her face up, and Jen met her, lips parted in anticipation, eyes in the same haze as Lisa’s.

They only had to cross less than an inch of air between them, but it felt like a lifetime when Lisa closed her eyes and finally felt soft warm lips on her own.

It was gentle. And delicate.

Then it became ardent and yearning and unravelling.

It felt old. And new. And pain. And happiness. And contentment.

And love.

It felt like true love, one that withstands anything and remains everything.

**_And here we are in Heaven_ **

**_For you are mine at last_ **

Jennie only danced to one song and she managed to tell the world how she truly loved Lisa.

Lisa danced to one song…and found a new love in an old home.


	36. // TATGILB: Chapter 32

**Early 2024**

Her hands have never before felt as shaky as now--with her calm just hanging by a thread--handling random pieces of glassware in the kitchen, drying them with a washcloth and trying not to make much noise. Lisa would have sighed loudly to unwind the tightness in her chest, but she’s just really scared to make a noise louder than a mouse’s squeak.

Because beside her stood Mrs. Kim, the only other Kim in her life who could scare the shit out of her.

She thought things were going well, all things considered, as she sat beside a nervous Jen over dinner. They opted to visit her together for the first time after the holidays’ celebrations died down. Lisa thought it would avoid unnecessary drama and spoiling any possible holiday mood, and although Lisa thought a mistletoe kiss would have made her 2023 awesome, risking being seen by Mrs. Kim canoodling her only daughter under her doorway would have been a sure-fire way to get herself banned possibly for life.

Of course, these thoughts sounded funny in her head while she was relatively protected in her cocoon beside Jen, but now that she’s alone in the kitchen with Mrs. Kim, her humour obviously isn’t wrapping around her head at all.

The older woman wiped the last bits of water out of the sink. For a moment, Lisa thought she’d probably leave her alone to store the china herself, but the old woman lingered, a strong and tall glass of wine resting on the kitchen slab in front of her.

They all sat together for dinner but didn’t talk about things and pretended to be polite to each other. They’ve talked about Jen’s career path, Lisa’s family, Jennie’s cousins who left for London for their Universities last week, the son of their neighbour Mr. Kwon who just married a young spritely girl last month. 

Pretty much anything under the sun except for their relationship.

Which...was quite a very Asian thing to do, to be honest. But when Lisa suggested to Jen to have dinner together, in her mind it wasn’t really about normalising things but she wasn’t really thinking about immediately addressing the elephant in the room either. Maybe a slow ease of things could be fine, but how they were acting at that table felt like Mrs. Kim was deliberately trying to pretend what they have didn’t exist and she’s just there as a daily friend.

Lisa knew she didn’t want a confrontation but she also didn’t really know how to start. All she wanted was Jennie to have everyone she loved to live in a semblance of harmony, and maybe that’s not too much to ask the universe for the love of her life?

So she volunteered to do the dishes. It seemed like the best thing to do, to start picking up on something that she used to be responsible for whenever she was over at the Kim’s household. Jennie’s eyes looked at her as if asking if she’s going to be okay alone, and she nodded, thinking the brunette needs to be spending time with her mother in the foyer. 

She didn’t count on Mrs. Kim following her to the kitchen.

Because of course, everything in her life is about shit she never counted on _just happening._

-

Soft, careful steps that approached almost sounded like incredibly loud stomping to Lisa’s trained ear. The roomy kitchen suddenly felt twenty times bigger, the emptiness surrounding them pressing heavily on the blonde’s chest. Each movement created an echo, although Lisa’s aware it’s probably just highlighted by her own heightened hearing. Not to mention her strained heart wildly producing similarly loud heartbeats that are drowning her head.

She watched Mrs. Kim slide towards the sink where Lisa’s hands were already busy sorting things; the older, more assured hands wordlessly making the blonde step aside as she started fixing the plates herself. Lisa debated on squeaking a meek ‘I’ll do the dishes’ but the sound died in her throat, making her linger awkwardly beside the older Korean. She gingerly observed as practiced aged hands quickly sorted the plates and soaped them, the clanging of each tableware producing louder sounds than usual.

For a moment Lisa wondered if she should start to leave, until Mrs. Kim wordlessly handed a plate to Lisa for her to dry.

She stood there dumbfounded for a beat, and when she didn’t immediately move Mrs. Kim glanced at her and their eyes met: where Lisa expected to find a certain animosity, she found instead an almost...soft resignation.

The Thai gave a barely noticeable nod before her two hands shot up to receive the wet plate.

The two moved in a soft, careful rhythm. Lisa moved all the clean plates together, opting to receive all the tableware first and stacking them in front of her before starting to really wipe them. When Mrs. Kim fixed the few remaining glasses together in front of Lisa, the blonde finally started drying the stack, her body unavoidably aware of Mrs. Kim’s breathing and movements, painfully waiting for the next steps.

The towel in her hand languidly moved around to wipe the ceramic she’s holding. The soft beige plate has obvious wear to it, weathered by time. They were the same plates Lisa remembered from when they were kids; an obvious testament to the older Kim’s fine tastes. They never quite settled for anything just plain; Mrs Kim’s china sets usually had intricate designs on them, and this one on her hand had blue tints and intricate floral designs. They looked a little Japanese if not maybe Greek and overall screamed expensive.

They looked old and weathered and strong and could possibly withstand more years. 

They very much fit the older Kim’s household.

“I know you see me as the devil.”

Lisa tried to pull herself out of her disoriented thoughts and slowly moved her head towards the older Kim. She spoke with a certain finality, although not entirely antagonistic.

Lisa’s brows furrowed in confusion, but she just waited.

“Or the villain in her stories. Devil. Villain. They sound the same,” Jennie’s mother continued.

Lisa’s hooded eyes moved back to the plates in front of her and dried the plate in her hand longer, delaying things. Mrs. Kim sounded stubborn, further evidenced by the way she used Korean on the Thai when she used to always speak to her in English when she could. Mrs. Kim was setting the terms and Lisa was to conform herself to the former's wants. 

“But it’s wrong.”

Lisa took a deep breath. Her heart might have been running at a mile a minute earlier, but if anything, she wasn’t scared of Mrs. Kim. She was however worried about making things worse for her and Jennie, but those are two different things. Mrs. Kim was still a mother to Lisa and she reverently remembered that as she consciously lowered her defences a notch. She continued to wipe the plates quietly.

“It’s been wrong for hundreds of years. I grew up where everyone in Korea ostracised the gays,” Mrs. Kim continued in Korean after taking a gulp of wine. Lisa tried not to wince at her use of ‘the gays’. “You both grew up in a Western influence and thought you could take on the world. You think you know everything.”

The last words were spat and almost sounded venomous, but the blonde tried not to flinch. 

She straightened her shoulders and placed the now extremely dry plate on her hand aside and picked up another. She wiped the cloth slowly but her stance didn’t slouch, ensuring she’s showing that she’s listening to Mrs. Kim but refusing to look like she’s being chastised.

She will receive, but she won’t falter. And she was silently trying to communicate that. 

“I was dying.” 

The break in Mrs. Kim's voice betrayed her. It made Lisa pause. 

“I was dying and everything was painful and my only daughter is gay. Do you understand that?”

Lisa looked at Mrs. Kim with soft eyes, but the older woman refused to meet them and stared hard at her wine.

“My whole life I was in a society that was unkind to the gays. I grew up thinking it was wrong. My own family would think it’s wrong. Of course I would think it’s wrong,” She continued, words leaving her tongue bitterly. “And I was dying, Lalice. Why would I want to leave my only daughter alone to deal with unkind people?”

Lisa bit on her lower lip. She blinked her eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay.

She knew there was more to this story that they didn’t know.

“Am I wrong to think it’s wrong? I just want the best for my daughter. I just want her to have a family and to fit in. I don’t want her to deal with pain.”

Lisa slowly put down the plate along with the towel. She cautiously faced Mrs. Kim.

“But you raised a very strong daughter, Mrs. Kim.” She carefully responded in a slightly less accented Korean, a hint of a smile in her slightly cracking voice. The older woman scoffed.

“Yeah, that’s my fault.”

“She did get it from you, the stubbornness,” Lisa acknowledged. “She fights for what she knows is right.”

The older Korean looked at her wistfully before she sipped on her wine, mulling on her words. Lisa knew it was a common ground: accepting the tenacity in the girl they both adore. Jen's last name could very well have been 'stubborn' when she was born.

Lisa went back to wiping the plates again. Her fingers thoughtfully glided on the plate’s intricate designs.

“I won’t accept it.”

Her fingers abruptly paused on a cerulean curl on the beige plate.

The heavy knot in Lisa’s heart clenched further. She pulled a heavy sigh, but she couldn’t seem to find the words to rebut.

The silence between them stretched further. Mrs. Kim’s breathing picked up a little, obviously strained, almost as if she was waiting for Lisa to do anything and she’s ready to snap. It felt like she was just dropping these words to antagonise, anything to push the Thai to crack. 

But Lisa remained quiet, biting on her lip hard to stop her from retaliating. She didn’t come here to argue. She didn’t come here to be insisted bigoted ideals either, but she told herself she’ll respectfully try not to argue if she could.

After a few moments, the older Korean sighed.

“I grew up thinking it’s wrong. It will be hard for me to accept something I've known my whole life,” She shook her head morosely, but it felt more like she’s sad for herself than for the situation. “You are both women. You cannot have kids. I won’t understand it. I am old and it will be hard. Do you understand, Lalice?”

Lisa’s jaw clamped hard. She wanted to scream. She wanted to say they’re not anything less than the kids she loved and saw growing up, how can she see them differently for choosing to love in ways she doesn’t comprehend?

“But I can see she loves you...and you love her.” 

Lisa’s eyebrow raised up a little. She wasn’t expecting that.

“And you take care of her well.” Mrs. Kim acceded. “You took care of her even while you were apart.”

Lisa allowed her eyebrows to relax. She glanced at Mrs. Kim gingerly, almost waiting for the catch. 

The latter only sighed.

“I should have really seen that with the way you looked at each other when you were younger, I’m not even sure why I’m surprised anymore.”

Lisa let out a tentative snort. She allowed herself a small grin, mirroring the older woman’s lighter appearance.

“It will take some time to get out of these old conventions. Do you understand, Lalice?”

Lisa looked at Mrs. Kim’s eyes. She looked like she’s counting on her to tell Jennie the words she can’t bring herself to tell her daughter.

She nodded. That’s the most that she could do.

Lisa returned to wiping the plates quietly. Mrs. Kim resumed with the last sips of her wine.

The quiet was broken with another sigh. Lisa felt like Jennie's mother may have had a lot more she wanted to say, but just simply settled with releasing poignant sighs out of her chest the whole time. She frowned and pointed to the plates in front of Lisa. 

“Give me that. They’re already extremely dry it could crack.”

Lisa allowed a soft grin despite Mrs. Kim’s stern voice and placed the plate she's holding on top of the stack of ceramics before grabbing them, her fingers touching the slightly embossed blue tint on the china that showed signs of use over time.

Some things don’t change, Lisa conceded. 

But sometimes some things get weathered, and maybe that could be what you can hope for, at least for now.


	37. // TATGILB: Chapter 33

**Mid 2024**

The thin white fit shirt stretched delectably across Jennie’s breasts as she pulled her arms up to unconsciously push her chest out as she tried to stretch from sitting too long. The long eyelashes playing on her cheeks as her eyelids dropped a little were teasing Lisa incessantly, along with the way Nini’s nipples kept making themselves known through the shirt.

Where did Nini buy these shirts? H&M? Asos? Lisa can’t remember, but she’d love to order a dozen more.

“I want the analytics pushed through today,” Jennie commanded on her phone as she snapped her body back into a more rigid stance. She was never one for strong tones for clients, but today required the brunette being firm on her words.

Jennie's right hand twiddled distractedly on a pen, every once in a while scrawled notes on the A5 dot grid notebook she meticulously used. The fingers of her left hand pressed hard on the surface of her phone. Lili’s eyebrows furrowed: Jennie was obviously agitated and more. “Delays aren’t welcome.”

Lili’s jaws flexed a little, realizing her molars have been grinding a little too hard trying to bottle in her desire for the Korean. Her girlfriend has taken a half-day on a Saturday, but as usual found herself swamped with work in the afternoon. Lisa couldn’t blame her: Jen has been travelling extensively the past few weeks trying to close the project and there were times the girl would go straight to her own apartment, exhausted. The blonde would come over with dinner to help her debrief without complaints, and if her girlfriend doesn’t say it enough, the way her cat-like eyes melt into mush every time she walks into Jennie’s apartment definitely lets Lili know she’s appreciated.

She understood the workload– Lisa herself was swamped the past few weeks, but Nini’s schedule had been taking quite a toll on the Korean, and inevitably, on them.

Lisa tried to understand. She also tried not to complain about the long hours.

So maybe she could be allowed to ogle especially if she couldn’t help herself when her girlfriend’s in her element and was unknowingly stretching her breasts across the thin cotton fabric she changed into after work, and sweet baby jesus those nipples and those curves against the thin, well-used house shirt was taunting her. Because if there’s anything that ignites her parched desires, it would be a commanding Jennie Kim barking orders on the phone while wearing nothing but an old, two-sizes too-small shirt and a very tight pair of yoga boyleg shorts that only Lisa has the privilege to see.

Now she just wants nothing else than those curves against the creases of her hand, preferably in her bed.

Her bed.

Lisa absently gazed at the soft rectangular mattress visible from her open bedroom door across her apartment, the creases on its bedspread the evidence of their morning’s short romp just before Jennie went to work. It felt so far away now, these moments between them.

She flexed her fingers a little as if trying to remember how they felt grabbing Jennie’s heated curves.

Lisa sighed. She’s not exactly a horndog who needed to get laid frequently (although of course sex IS very welcome) and while they’ve only officially gotten back together less than a year ago, there has been a shift to their relationship that was unavoidable: the feeling of newness eased to a steady calm quickly, perhaps their years of knowing each other helping towards the path of...complacency. It both felt like a rediscovery and picking up where they left off, and while Lisa misses the intensity of new love, she also doesn’t mind this comfort of old familiarity.

But she does miss her Nini. And that’s the feeling that’s constant, a feeling that never goes. A feeling that lately, she found was intensifying more and more.

Lisa’s eyebrows furrowed, her eyes moving back to her girlfriend’s breasts distractedly. She bit on her lip for a minute as if trying to muster her remaining constraint, but when she finally couldn’t help herself, her arm stretched against the gap between them, the tips of her fingers grazing the swell of Jennie’s chest. She softly slid them across those perfect perky pair Lisa has loved for many years and she’s still honestly in love with.

Jennie’s lip tugged on her teeth, her cat eyes flicked towards Lisa as she arched her chest against her hand, teasing her. She’s shifted her focus on teasing Lisa now and less about her phone call.

“Yeah, just send the data sets over to me. I can figure it out.”

Lisa licked her lips, her lip pulling up cockily. She knew her girlfriend was trying to cut the discussion short. She loved that even after all these years, she still affects her.

“I need to go. Something important came up,” Jennie’s eyes flitted playfully on her girlfriend’s face, her gaze falling on Lisa’s lips. “Send it over soon? Thanks.”

Lisa heard only the phone being carelessly thrown on the table before the brunette’s mouth was on hers. From where Jennie was sitting beside her on the kitchen table she was in an instant on Lisa’s lap, heatedly sucking on the blonde girl’s lower lip and lowering her hips to meet Lisa’s own. Her hands clasped around Lisa’s jaws, the sharpness of it fitting her palm perfectly.

Lisa’s arms wrapped around her girlfriend’s waist, wanting to pull her closer but also taking her time as the pads of her fingers found themselves inside her old white thin shirt, tracing the outlines of the woman’s ribs, playing around the swell of her breasts. She heard the brunette moan against her lips and she devours her mouth again, eager to taste Jennie more.

For all of Lisa’s desire for the brunette, though, she found herself suddenly hit by anxiety: perhaps brought about by the heavy longing for her girlfriend, of missing their intimacy, of the gap that will soon be between them again what with Jen’s looming travel plans and sifting through her emotions again while Jennie’s in another country for about 5 days, leaving in two days.

Suddenly there was a surge of heavy emotions, of an overwhelming need to simmer. Lisa tried to keep herself from being consumed by these intense emotions and redirected herself, but she can’t seem to take it further. Her hands remain on the small of Jennie’s back, rubbing small soft circles around it.

The blonde shifted. She transitioned the kisses from rough playful ones to longer, softer ones, the same ones where Lisa would find her lower lips quietly nibbling Jennie’s now swollen ones, tongue languid and appreciating. The same ones she gives where she can focus on the flush of Jennie’s skin, tasting the blood rush under the presses of her kisses. The same ones she gives when she’s affirming both to herself and to Jennie over and over again how she would never get tired of always wanting these lips, these sustained affections between them that were never changed by time nor distance.

When Jennie paused to take a breather and rested her forehead against hers, Lisa felt the girl acknowledge her anxiety. There was something in the way the brunette leaned on her, the way her body hovered closer as if trying to get as much of Lisa as possible without letting the words get in the way. Jennie allowed her nose to slowly trace the obvious parts of Lisa’s cheekbones, and when her upper cheek – the part just where the skin under her eyes and cheeks meet that’s just so soft to touch and Lisa adored so much – ran through Lisa’s skin the latter lets out a contented hum, relishing and basking in this softness between them.

This, more than sex, was what Lisa missed: this constant want to be just around Nini; to be around her softness, her warmth, her…her.

Lisa resumed rubbing small circles on Jen’s back. Jen’s thighs eased on their straddle, but they didn't leave the blonde’s lap. Her arm was now draped over the blonde’s body, head nuzzled on Lisa’s neck, the soft breathing from the brunette’s nose tickling her.

They stayed like that for a few minutes before a soft “I’m sorry” was heard.

Lisa’s head twisted slowly, trying to look into the brunette’s face but couldn’t. She didn’t stop the way her thumb traced random shapes on Jen’s back.

“For what?”

Lisa felt Nini’s pout on her neck.

“For being so busy. And exhausted.”

A calming ‘shhhh’ hissed between Lisa’s lips. She tightened her hug on the Korean but didn't stop caressing her back.

“I miss you,” Nini whispered on her neck, the wisps of her breath running through the blonde’s sensitive soft hairs on her nape.

Lisa buried her nose further on Jen’s skin, trying to take in more of the girl’s scent. She unconsciously loosened her hold on Jen, the girl’s words acting as a balm to Lisa’s anxiety.

There’s something demanding, almost always, with how her body clamours for more of these small declarations from Jennie. And while she has never quite learned to wean from this habit, she didn’t anticipate her body attaching to Jennie’s differently: her nearness always made her feel calm; the inches of naked skin touching hers always acted like a soothing affirmation. Her scent, Nini’s natural smell laced with the day’s sweat that still comes out sweet, kept leaving a craving in Lisa’s tongue that she can vividly taste; and she found that she couldn’t get enough of that smell - of Jennie’s nape where her nose was nestled when she sleeps over, of Jennie’s smell that lingers around the house that assures her she’ll be back.

Lisa couldn’t help but pout a little when she realized that she’ll be without those small affirmations again by next week.

“I miss us, too,” Lisa whispered back. “Always.”

Jen nodded, her fingers now finding purchase on the blonde’s nape.

“Can I sleep here tonight?” Jen mumbled, her fingers tightening carefully around the hair near Lisa’s neck as if trying to relive memories in her head. “I need to pack for Monday’s flight but I’m not ready to leave you yet.”

She really meant to say ‘of course, anytime’ but for some reason, the pull in her stomach didn’t make her feel concrete about those words.

It felt shallow compared to how hard her heart clenched. She shouldn’t have had to say those words.

Lisa doesn’t want to hear being asked that question anymore, either.

So instead, her lips said, “Move in with me.”

Jennie pulled her head a little, both of them feeling almost surprised at the words uttered between them. Lisa, for offering something that sounded natural but just realising it could be brash or thoughtless for not considering that Jennie might want her own space. And Jennie...for, well...she’s not sure why Jennie looked unbelieving, to be honest.

“You’re just saying that because you’re tired of picking me up to drop me off at the airport,” Jennie’s eyes rolled playfully. There was a half-hearted chuckle, and then Jen’s eyes widened as she looked back at Lisa’s face. “Oh god, you’re serious.”

Lisa’s nose automatically followed Jennie’s breath, wanting to take in more of the brunette. She placed a soft kiss on her lower lip.

“Move in with me, Jennie,” Lisa softly repeated, still engrossed and a little too in love with how Nini felt on her fingers and how at home she feels close to her girlfriend’s face. She’s not sure why she hasn’t asked sooner. She should really have asked from their first day together. “I want to wake up to your face every day. I want you to come home to me every day. Move in with me.”

Jennie looked at her cautiously, her thumbs running softly across Lisa’s face. When she didn’t answer, Lisa rushed through her next words in panic.

“There’s a deli just around the corner. I know you love them because you never buy your meats anywhere else. There’s also a grocery nearby. And I know you like the farmer’s market near your place but I promise to buy all our food every time from the farmer’s market about 10 minutes from here. And I can make space in my cabinets more, and we can convert the other room to our closet or your weekend office space if you want, and–”

Jennie hushed her softly with her fingers crossing her lips. “Are you sure?”

Lisa nodded, her eyebrows mirroring the worried look on the brunette’s face. She wasn’t thinking a ‘no’ would break her, but she’s more worried about the possible ‘whys’ of the ‘no.’ Maybe Jennie enjoys her time alone. Maybe she’s not ready to be with her in that capacity, maybe she’s–

“Wouldn’t you want your space?” Nini’s voice was without judgement, if not careful.

Lisa’s eyes fell, avoiding. A small shudder of relief ran through her body, but at the same time, she felt a little uneasy: Jennie’s worried for her again. Here she thought selfishly about her possible rejection reasons, and yet the brunette’s more worried about her wellbeing.

Times like these she still feels overwhelmed about someone caring for her like this, even when she never feels quite deserving. And she knows it’s a feeling that won’t go away for a while, because maybe it comes with the mending.

She carefully placed her forehead against the collarbones that pronounced themselves from Nini’s white shirt, allowing herself a few moments to compose herself.

“I thought I did,” Lili delicately chose her words, opting to be truthful. “I was worried that healing might take a bit more time, but I already miss you so much. I can’t take our distance anymore. I want to be around you as often as possible.”

She felt the brunette’s fingers comb through her scalp lovingly, the next moments leaving her tense to see if Jennie would respond. She finally pulled herself away from Jennie’s shoulder and looked at her girlfriend tentatively.

“Is that bad?”

Jennie gave her a small smile, while she continued to run her fingers through her hair. Her eyes softened empathically towards Lisa’s vulnerable puppy eyes.

“Of course not,” She whispered. “I want to be with you every day, too. But I know we were kind of still taking things slow emotionally. You’re not supposed to rush healing.”

“Are you sure you’re not just saying that to be polite and you’re already done with my needy ass?”

Jennie laughed. She laughed with a lightness that Lisa could have bottled and it would be enough to power her every day.

“You have been needy since we were kids. You’ll need a lot more to get rid of me now.”

“Oh, is that right?” Lisa felt Jennie’s giggle through her chest and it made her more embarrassingly infatuated with her lover. She couldn’t help but want to prolong this lightness as her fingers teased Jennie’s waist hard. “Say it. I won’t stop tickling you until I hear you say it.”

“Yes – STOP! – YES, I’LL MOVE IN WITH YOU!”

Lisa chuckled, her hands easing on the tickles and wrapping her arms around Jennie instead.

“Yeah?” Lili bit on her lip as she gazed at those cat-like eyes affectionately. “You’re moving here? Yeah?”

Jennie placed short loving kisses on her lips. They barely leave to move and form words.

“Yes. Yes. I will move in with you.”

They spend more time kissing each other, short moans stifled on each other’s lips.

“We–” Kisses. “Need to–” More kisses. “Figure out–” Longer kisses. “The tenancy, because–”

“I don’t care–” Lisa’s lips greedily sucking on Nini’s mouth in between. “We can make Jisoo stay there or something–” More kisses. “Or use it as a sex dungeon–”

It was only after Jennie heatedly yanks Lisa’s hair and Lisa whimpers that the latter pulls a little, seemingly snapping her out of their stupor. Her eyes flit towards Jennie’s swollen lips hungrily, though, but she blinks her hunger out for a good minute. 

“Wait,” Lisa exhaled. “I forgot another thing.”

“There’s more?” Jennie asked breathlessly, teasing.

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to show you this,” Lisa grabbed her phone from the table just around Jennie’s straddled form on her leg. She showed a photo of a flyer to Jennie. “I got it from Markie two weeks ago. He helps out with animal shelters and asked me if I wanted to drop by. They take donations but…”

“Lisa…”

The blonde stilled, trying to figure out if the tone Jennie made was something positive. The sound that came out of her next was rather meek.

“...I was wondering if you wanted to get a cat. Or a dog. Or both?”

She watched as Jennie inspected the photo on her phone. She knew her girlfriend had a soft spot for animals, but they never really got around to checking things out as Jennie’s unit prohibited pets.

“We don’t have to decide now!” Lisa was quick to get defensive. “At first I thought we could spend an hour or two with them and then donate. I’ve been meaning to sort of volunteer at the animal shelters for a while now since there are times you’re not here on weekends. And I could sort of maybe foster a cat temporarily. Only if you’re okay with it, of course.”

Jennie’s eyes seemed to be going through the brochure, each minute going softer as Lisa assumed she read through more animal profiles.

“But...now that you’re moving with me, maybe we can have a cat or a dog here now,” Lisa tried again tentatively. “You know, make our own little family.”

The cat-like eyes she adored so much melted more in front of her before she planted an adoring kiss on Lisa’s lips.

“Luca.” She whispered after a while, a soft mist of tears pooling on her waterline.

Lisa’s lip wavered as she tried to pull them into a shaky smile. She couldn’t believe her girlfriend remembered it, too.

“Or a Leo,” Lisa’s hushed words sounded so loud between them, as they unwittingly reminded themselves of their plans from New York, years ago. “It could be a perfect first name for a cat.”

Jennie nodded, empty of words and only full of emotions. They may be loving each other differently, now, but maybe some aspirations can stay the same.

And it made Lisa feel warm that the same aspirations are still going to bind them together for a long, long time.  
  



	38. // TATGILB: Chapter 34

**Late 2024**

The somewhat packed crab curry bistro they went to at Hongdae wasn’t the first thing that came to mind when Lisa thought about spending her Saturday night with new friends and tugging along a reluctant Jisoo. The new folks they were with were technically Jennie’s friends she has worked with in the past who wanted to have a catch up. 

So when they said they wanted a night-life in Hongdae, a Thai crab curry place wasn’t something that immediately came to mind - especially since it’s just in front of a famous soy chicken restaurant just in front of the bistro that’s more of a choice Hongdae experience than anything else. It would have been something both Lisa and Jisoo would have zeroed in, being chicken and beer enthusiasts themselves.

Lisa’s glad it happened, though. The restaurant may be packed but it bustled with obvious energy, from the owner named Sunmi (Jennie’s colleague from Australia, Tom, apparently had a huge crush on the owner, hence the choice of the location) who kept moving around to help some customers, down to the perfect savoury taste of the mud crabs in the dishes. The place looked like a hodge-podge of mixed asian fusion seeming to have slight Thai roots--from the elephant napkin holders and the mango sticky rice in the menu--but everything else screamed asian food street: on their table were some spicy meat on sticks, a chicken lo-mein, some spicy barbecued prawns and lots of fried dumplings. 

Even the young waitress who was helping around and placing bottles of soju and mugs of beer around their plates looked Thai instead of Korean, and Lisa could swear the other guy who was loitering around near the kitchen was Thai, too.

They were just setting the beers aside when Marcie, Jennie’s french client turned friend, started whispering something to Jennie across the table. The latter’s head suddenly whipped around, then exclaimed an “Oh my god,” before the two erupted into a shared giggle.

“What abouts are you two on?” Tom asked as his head tried to follow what the two were looking at.

“She looks just like you!” Jennie gushed and Lisa's eyes narrowed towards the young gangly asian blonde who was helping them with the beers earlier. She was wearing an oversized gray Hongik University sweatshirt, her eyes disappearing as she smiled at her customers. Lisa was suspicious, but maybe a little wistful of how young and bursting with energy this girl was. 

“I don't look like her,” She swatted Jennie’s face playfully. “Stop looking at her.”

But Jennie wouldn’t let up. She nudged Tom, discreetly pointing to the young blonde like a blushing kid in primary school.

“Doesn’t she look like a young Lisa?” 

He followed their eyes then he nodded. “Yeah, nice.”

Lisa scowled. “I look prettier than her.”

“Yeah, nah, Lizzie,” Tom drawls in his thick Australian accent. “You’re definitely prettier than she is. Don’t you worry your little head.”

Except Lisa’s simmering with slight jealousy over her girlfriend fawning over this young girl who’s helping around the restaurant. She also didn’t like how her girlfriend was dreamy-eyed about someone else other than her.

So just like any reasonable, level-headed adult, she pouted.

“Oh god, you are fucking adorable, aren’t you,” Marcie cooed. “She’s a big baby, isn’t she?”

“She is my big baby, yes,” Jennie laughed as Lisa slumped a little, sulking a bit more. She wrapped her arms around Lisa and nuzzled under her jaw. “You’re still my most favorite even if I find a younger you, don’t worry.”

Lisa’s lip curled. “I’m not that old.”

“Yes, you’re just delectably mature like that, don’t worry.” Jen softly kissed her on the lips. She tasted like beer and prawns and Jennie, a taste Lisa would always adore. Lisa reached to take more of the kiss, trying to find affirmation in her warmth.

“God, Lis, she just found your doppelganger, she’s not divorcing you. There’s food here, stop eating each other.” 

They all laughed at Tom and Lisa couldn’t help but grin. They then settled comfortably on their long table as they explored the dishes and exchanged discourses. Marcie was animatedly stirring topics and getting earnest reactions from Tom; Jisoo responded politely to some questions but mostly kept herself close to Lisa. Jennie had her opinions but busied herself making sure everyone had enough alcohol in their mugs.

Lisa pitched in every once in a while but found herself quietly picking through her food, pacing herself until their crab curry arrived. She was content to sit beside Jennie, leaning her body towards her as the brunette softly ran her fingers through Lisa’s lower back, her hand sneaking inside her shirt; a distracted habit Jennie does whenever they’re out with friends, almost like she constantly misses Lisa’s skin. It was an open secret: Lisa just wanted to be wherever Jen was, never minding however boring the company was.

Jisoo’s motivations, however, were different: Lisa knew Jisoo joined them to distract herself. This year was particularly tough on their oldest friend who never fully shared her thoughts with anyone. _Stress with the family business,_ she would insist. But the obvious betrayed her as Jisoo’s long pale hands were picking through her fried mantou, a polite smile on her lips but there was a constant, almost indistinguishable wincing whenever Tom was speaking. 

Lisa took the moment to study the Korean sitting across her: she has definitely lost some weight since last year, her face looking a bit more gaunt and weary. Her eyes never lost their sharpness but have lost the spark and the playfulness they used to have.

The blonde has learned over the past few months to not speak of Chaeyoung because Jisoo’s eyes go wearier and her face shifts into a sadness that she can’t seem to avoid.

Lisa was about to speak when her thoughts were broken by Sunmi arriving with a pot of steaming curry, prompting a blush from Tom while the group excitedly crowded in. Jennie being Jennie, though, didn’t let the opportunity escape.

“This looks so good, Sunmi,” She called in English to the restaurant owner who paused to join closer. 

Sunmi beamed. Even while looking tired from running her restaurant the long-haired beautiful Korean had a satisfied glow about her that could make anyone envious. 

“Thank you. This one’s a house specialty, so I hope you all like it.” Sunmi replied in accented English.

“I’m sure we will. It’s such a good thing our friend Tom here suggested this place. Couldn’t stop talking about how much he loved to go here,” Jennie patted Tom’s shoulders as he started awkwardly chuckling. “He’s such a fan of your curry, you know.” 

It was hilarious to watch Tom’s face turn as red as the spices on the curry. 

“Have you met our Tom, Sunmi?” Marcie pitched in, not missing a beat. 

“Oh fuck off, mate,” Tom good-naturedly muttered loud enough for the table to hear. 

“Well, then,” Sunmi, seemingly understanding what’s happening, leaned in a little and lightly placed her hand on Tom’s shoulders in appreciation as she chuckled. “I suppose I have this gentleman to thank for having you guys here. Enjoy the crab and let me know if you need anything.”

They shared collective laughter as Tom flusteredly shook his head and ensured that Sunmi had made her way inside the kitchen and no longer within earshot.

“Piss off, mates,” Tom grumbled as he dug into the curry to hide his blush.

Tom’s fiasco was soon forgotten as the aromatic smell wafted once the ladle scooped into the curry. The chopped coriander topped around the curdled eggs mixed around the orange crab claws made it look less intimidating, but a spoonful removed all doubts otherwise. 

Even Lisa couldn’t help but hum into her flavourful bite, a nostalgic aroma from home flooding her taste buds. The spices lingered on her tongue but the beer removed them well, a complementing bubbly to the hot spice that simmered in her mouth.

“Oh, this curry is choice,” Tom’s appreciative moans were seconded by Marcie, who was devouring a curry-dipped mantou. Jennie was dipping barbecued meat on her curry instead, but her adorable nods did not escape Lisa. The blonde smiled as she licked on her fingers, dwelling on the warmth of having international friends enjoying her hometown’s food.

Tom’s greasy fingers were wrapped around a mug of beer, a few gulps and a smack of lips after. “I love this. LOVE this. I can eat this every day.”

“Are you sure it’s just the curry, though,” Marcie quipped in between bites. “You seemed hungry for Sunmi too, Tom.”

“Yeah, nah, she comes with it,” Tom acceded as he tossed another dipped mantou into his mouth. Jennie just chuckled.

Lisa noticed how Jisoo shuffled awkwardly in her seat. She guessed it’s Tom’s accent that made her uncomfortable, reminding her a little of Chaeyoung’s own playful twirl on her Rs and Os. She waited until the three huddled together again before she focused on Jisoo.

“Hey,” Lisa called Jisoo softly. When Jisoo didn’t look up, Lisa picked up her mug to clink hers with the brunette’s. Jisoo’s soft eyes looked up. “Want me to get him a duct tape so he doesn’t speak for the night?”

Jisoo chuckled emptily. Her fingers played again with the bits of mantou on her plate. 

“It’s not his fault. I’m fine, don’t worry.” Jisoo gave a polite grin. “I can’t constantly shield myself from anything that reminds me of Chae, can I?”

“We can start our revenge with this Australian, although I gotta admit I’ll miss him. He’s kinda nice.”

Jisoo quietly took a gulp of her beer, her eyes avoiding most of the faces at the table. Lisa bit on her lip contemplatively before she tried again. 

“Have you…” Careful concern colored Lisa’s tone heavily. “...spoken to her lately?”

Jisoo’s teeth pulled on her lower lip thoughtfully, as if gauging how much she’ll let Lisa know. After a few moments of just taking deep breaths, she nodded.

Lisa didn’t know what to make of that, but she somehow wanted to push around more. She’s feeling a little disconcerted about the fact that Jisoo was one of the strongest women she knew, and now she’s reduced to...a barricade of sorts.

“She’s really depressed, Chu.”

“I know,” Jisoo whispered. She looked like she was about to say more, but she stopped herself. “I know.”

Lisa carefully listened to the conversation picking up on the other side of the table, trying to gauge if she should push more. The three sounded like they’re still deep in their discussions.

“We might fly to Australia for the weekend next month,” Lisa carefully announced. Jisoo didn’t flinch anymore and nodded instead. She seemed to understand. 

Lisa’s gaze just lightly stayed on Jisoo’s beer. She wasn’t sure she’s ready to see more pain in her friend’s troubled eyes. She wanted to say more--anything, really, but she knew Jisoo was always one step ahead of everything. 

Except for this time, she just looked as helpless as Lisa felt years ago when she felt nothing was going her way and it wasn’t a good look on Jisoo.

“Chu, talk to me.” Lisa softly prompted. When Jisoo just licked her dry lips and played around with her mantou, she tried again. “How can I help you? Please.”

Jisoo’s fingers fiddled with the toasted bread Lisa’s sure she’s unlikely to eat now. 

“Not here, I’m--” Jisoo stopped herself, trying to moderate her voice, her breathing, her emotions. While the other group might not be paying attention, it’s very much like Jisoo to ensure she’s composed in public. 

Jisoo took another deep breath. Lisa fixated on running her fingers through the moisture of her mug, playing with water droplets accumulating on her middle fingers. Mindlessly running them through the cold of the glass as she waited for Jisoo to give her anything.

Lisa knows she can’t push Jisoo to do more, but it pains her to see two people she loved to be in this much pain. The blonde’s throat ran dry. This must be how Jisoo felt for her and Jennie then.

How agonisingly conflicting to want to tell them what to do but ultimately the decision was theirs.

But Jisoo was always that person who barely faltered. She’s the person who looked after everyone because she put it upon herself to take care of their group. It was disquieting to find your strongest friend be anything less than...defined.

“I can’t…” Jisoo hesitated, then sighed again. “I can’t keep re-reading the past pages of my past, no matter how much they contained the best times of my life, can I?”

“Jisoo, it’s not…” Lisa tried, words escaping her lips. “She needs us. She needs you.”

A forlorn smile crept on Jisoo’s face.

“I know,” She whispered. A visible gulp on her throat. “But I need myself too, Lis.”

Lisa chewed on her lip. Jisoo was right. She’d want to protect Chaeyoung as much as she could, but she can’t possibly gamble Jisoo’s pain over Chaeyoung’s, no matter how much she knows the eldest could easily assuage her blonde friend in Australia and coax her out of her purgatory.

“Hey,” Jisoo tapped her mug to pull her out of her reverie. “I’ll sort it out. I always do. Don’t you worry your head with this one. You just got your lesbian happy ending, Lis.”

Lisa frowned. She can see through it when Jisoo tries to redirect her.

“Hey, don’t scowl.” Jisoo tried to ease things. “We’re out on a Saturday. Everything will be fine. Worry about tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, doofus. Have you pet-proofed your apartment yet?”

Lisa’s brows furrowed, then her eyes widened at the implication. “Oh my god, is that a thing? I thought I should just buy pet food and litter boxes and that’s it?”

“Didn’t they give you some sort of adoption checklist when you signed? You’re supposed to make sure all your stuff is out of reach for the first few weeks and to ensure all the cabinets are closed so they don’t accidentally open it and get poisoned or something. You’re going to be practically living with toddlers who are possibly smarter than you, I might add.”

“Rude,” Lisa weakly smiled after she popped a mantou in her mouth filled with crab curry sauce. She could see Jisoo’s efforts to try not to talk at length about Chaeyoung anymore, but Lisa doesn’t really have it in her to push either.

“I’m not. I’m nice. I’m so nice, I got you this,” Jisoo grabbed a paper bag beside her stool. “I was going to give you this later but I might just change my mind, so here.”

Lisa looked into the small paper bag and found a plush toy for dogs and a similar looking plush for a cat that was attached to yarn. They looked like a twin-themed set.

A card was attached to the toys, with Jisoo’s handwriting scribbled “Welcome to the family!”

Lisa felt a sob build up as she clutched the toys. She felt the mix of emotions drown her: like another phase of life for her and Jennie was imminent, committing to fostering two new lives to add to their little family. That Jisoo, who’s also very much a part of their life, was still managing to look after them even if she herself was broken. The thoughtfulness of her friend awash her as she turned the toys in her hand.

Tears were threatening to fall as she looked up at Jisoo. She mouthed a quiet “thank you” to her friend.

Jisoo nodded, allowing a small tug upwards on her lips. “Don’t worry about me, okay? You’ve had your time. This is mine. I’ll figure it out.” She then motioned towards Jennie. 

Lisa nodded, understanding her decision. She cleared her throat, then softly nudged Jennie to get her attention. “Look at what Jisoo got us.”

Tom and Marcie looked in as well when Jennie cooed over the toys. 

“We’re adopting a dog and a cat tomorrow,” She announced excitedly to the two as her other hand found its way to Lisa’s cheek, cupping her jaw lovingly. Lisa automatically leaned into it as a favourite habit. “We’re finally getting our first pets now that we’ve settled all our stuff from the move to her apartment.”

“Oh, congratulations!” Tom burst out, a little too much alcohol in his stomach now. “What are you naming the little buggers?”

“We thought we’d name the dog Kuma,” Jennie smiled at Lisa eagerly. “Because he looks like a small bear, you know? And then we thought the cat could be named Leo.”

“A small bear?” Marcie asked in between bites of the dumplings. “Are you getting a poodle?”

“No, we’re getting a pomeranian.” Jennie’s gummy smile could be seen from outside Seoul at this point.

“Oh, yappy little things but very lovely indeed,” Said Tom. He’s distracted as he shifted his interest to the new set of fried dumplings that were placed in front of him by another waitress, along with the new beer refills. 

Marcie thanked the waitress and started distributing the full mugs. “Congratulations, you two.”

“Congratulations indeed!” Jisoo finally pitched in, raising her mug for everyone to follow. It didn’t escape Lisa how her enthusiasm felt a little forced, but the rest didn’t notice.

Everyone took a drink from their mugs. Their attention was shifted when Marcie suddenly squeaked into her mug, nearly choking.

“Oh, look, we got ourselves a Jennie doppelganger, too!”

All of them unashamedly looked at where Marcie pointed to, finding the young Lisa doppelganger standing near the entrance of the bistro with what seemed to be a young Jennie doppelganger. The brunette, younger and skinnier perhaps than their Jennie, seemed too preoccupied with the young blonde, all gummy-smiles as her hands found purchase on the Lisa doppelganger's sweatshirt, pulling her close.

“Ah, young love,” Marcie cackled. “Look at that young Jennie looking so smitten of that young Lisa.”

“Yeah, they look exactly like how these two have these...sickeningly sweet gaze.”

“Yes, what you call in English,” Marcie latched on to Tom’s sentence as she snapped her fingers, trying to find the right words.“Googly eyes?”

“Heart eyes,” Jisoo supplied, grinning knowingly at Lisa and Jennie as the blonde rolled her eyes. “They have heart eyes. And yes, they’ve had that for a really long time now. It’s making me sick, honestly.”

“Heart eyes, yes!” Marcie squealed. “Ah, those two young ones will not know what hit them.”

Lisa grinned, looking at Jennie before looking back at the two kids near the entrance. Her gaze softened as she watched them gravitate towards each other, close but not too close. They looked a lot how Lisa imagined themselves as kids when they were still trying to figure out their feelings. The way Young Jennie kept glancing at Young Lisa’s lips constantly, eyes conflicted but wanting. How Young Lisa gazed at the other like she’s her whole world.

If they were anything like Jennie and her, they wouldn’t know what would hit them indeed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over-all scene and Young Lisa and Young Jennie + Sunmi characters lifted with permission from @ermitarojo ’s I'll win you, over my crab curry dinner story – head over to https://archiveofourown.org/works/23731264/chapters/56988568 to read more!
> 
> Sorry for the late update by the way – I have this chapter for a while now but I couldn’t seem to focus enough to fix the overall feel. I still feel a bit scattered, but hopefully it still pulls through. Worst case scenario I’ll slip an edit under your noses. Let me know your thoughts; as always, your love feeds me and my dog.


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